Only A Week Late

Inspired by this:

Lieutenant Kaffee: Colonel Jessep! Did you eat all the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups?!!”

Judge Randolph: You don’t have to answer that question!

Jessep: I’ll answer the question. You want answers?

Lieutenant Kaffee: I think I’m entitled to them.

Jessep: You want answers?!

Lieutenant Kaffee: I want the truth!

Jessep: You can’t handle the truth!

Son, we live in a world that has teeth, and those teeth have to be guarded by dentists with drills. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for children with fillings, and you curse the dental profession. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know — that children with fillings, while tragic, probably saved teeth; and my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves teeth.

You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at Halloween parties, you want me on that drill — you need me on that drill.

We use words like “brush,” “floss,” “rinse.” We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punch line.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and eats his Sugar Frosted Chocolate Bombs with the very clean and healthy teeth that I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide them.

I would rather that you just said “thank you” and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a drill and stand the post. Either way, I don’t give a DAMN what you think you’re entitled to!

Lieutenant Kaffee: Did you eat all the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups?

Jessep: I did the job I was —

Lieutenant Kaffee: — Did you eat all the Peanut Butter Cups?!

Jessep: You’re god damn right I did!!!

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Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man’s Zombie

8 thoughts on “Only A Week Late”

  1. HEY- ALL YOU SUBHUMAN "COMMENTERS" JUST CROSSED A LINE. I AM THE ONLY FICTIONAL MARINE IN THIS RETARDED STORY OF AN IDIOT AND THE PEOPLE WHO MOCK HIM. THAT MEANS I HAVE A C*O*P*Y*R*I*G*H*T (note the asterisks, because, since I'm SCREAMING at y'all in all caps, I need another tool to illustrate just how gosh-darn angry I am) ON COLONEL JESSUP, AND I DEMAND YOU CEASE AND DESIST, IMMEDIATELY!!! I WILL "HAVE RELATIONS" WITH YOUR SKULL AFTER I "RELIEVE YOU" OF YOUR EYES!!!! Carry on.

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  2. from the Hogewash "Yes, it needs to Stop" thread:

    " I want Krendler to stop profaning the memory of my wife"

    I want the Krendler to poke a hole in the memory of the wifely one and thrust his zombie manliness in and out in a most fortissimo manner until he is completely obscured in a cloud of ashy dust.

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  3. I have heard it said that to test whether a deal is fair to both parties, reverse and see how it fits.

    Well I suggest that DF pays first and then gets the information it wants.

    Set up an irrevocable escrow account for whatever amount it wants. It can't get the money back. The money will be forwarded to whoever it directs based on information it receives satisfying the conditions which are laid down ahead of time with the escrow account.

    If he does something like that then he's serious. Otherwise he;s just jerking off into the clock jar as usual.

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    1. It could stipulate that if no one provides the information in 6 months, the money goes to the Parkinson's Foundation.

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  4. I think it's a sign of his own asking price and in that way a subtle threat to the littlest bomber and pals.

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    1. He's already been offered more than that for evidence that puts his "Excellent Friend" back where he belongs.

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