Good Morning, Zombie Horde!

I reach out today with a brief announcement regarding the standing rules of our ongoing DUMBFUCK Drinking Game:

For today and today only, the word “soulmate” will not require a drink.

Repeating: For today and today only, DO NOT DRINK when you hear or see DUMBFUCK use the word “soulmate.”

A little day drinking is fine; but dear God, we don’t need any alcohol poisoning.

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Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man’s Zombie

54 thoughts on “Good Morning, Zombie Horde!”

  1. How about an exemption for committed alcoholics, letting them drink once every twenty "soulmate"s?

    I'd hate to see anyone go through withdrawl / DTs on Blob's account.

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      1. Oh! I was afraid the "no drink for soulmate" rule took precedence over the "JWR when i damn well feel like it" rule.

        Never mind.

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      2. The "take a shot every time he misidentifies Krendler" rule should keep everyone well lubricated.

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  2. I'll say this for Gail -- she was a more believable beard than that crap he glues to his chins.

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    1. I hate to break this to you but that is actually left over pubes from the men who pay him in bottles of JWR. I'll leave up to you as to what the "glue" is that holds it on. At least he is following in his Daddy's footsteps.

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  3. I was traveling last week, and Bill Parvocampus and I met up and had a drink while we were waiting for our respective connecting flights. Coincidentally, he also suffers from PD, and recently lost his wife. He loves traveling with his rolly walker even though he barely needs it, because he gets to board first, gets upgrades, and is generally treated like a king.

    I asked him how he was doing, and he said that life was tough after the loss of his "soulmate."

    "Soulmate!" I exclaimed. "This is me you're talking to, dude. We go waaaay back - ol' Stolen Valor! Don't worry, you're secret is safe with me. Seriously, what's with this soulmate stuff? You spent all your time on the Internet when the poor woman was alive."

    "It sounds good," he replied. "Makes me look like a winner, plus the ladies love it, and I'm looking to capture, er, I mean court a new Mrs. Parvocampus. As I often tweet, those dishes aren't going to wash themselves!"

    "So, Bill, how did your soulmate feel when you quit your $100,000 a year job, and had to learn to cover expenses on $30,000-$35,000 a year? I mean, we both know it wasn't the PD made ya do it - you worked from home, no longer had to commute - what gives?"

    "Well, she wasn't happy at all about it. Really clamped down on my spending, but I just told people it was PD executive function crap. All I have to say is that something is related to PD, and I'm golden."

    "Look, Parvo the Pervie, I know you were given a choice between leaving the way you did, or getting axed for harassment and inappropriate workplace behavior. If that happened, no disability. She knew it, too. How did she feel about going into her golden years with you out of a job because you wouldn't behave yourself at the best gig you ever scored? Bill? Bill, what's wrong?"

    "See that dwarf over there, by the Sbarro Pizza? It's Krendler, I'm sure of it. And that pregnant lady? That's Hoge in disguise!"

    "Have you lost your mind?"

    "HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE! KRENDLERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! HIBBLE BIBBLE BIBBLE!"

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    1. I thought it was a reference to Bears. You know, like this http://i.imgur.com/ellwb21.jpg Of course that would have been before she lost all the weight "the hard way" while he ignored her symptoms that would eventually lead to this day.

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      1. Ignored her symptoms? Oh that is just not fair. We can't even be sure that she shared them with him. Anyway, he is a journalist, not a doctor, and he documented her signs for all to see. I am sure it gave her great comfort to know that Willie was posting about her decline in almost real time and capturing it on film. (Such postings and filmings might not give you great comfort on your deathbed, but then you are not stupid enough to have married Willie.)

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  4. https://twitter.com/TheMerryWidower/status/666628411943723008

    Bergdahl hasn't been tried yet, Dumbfuck. He, unlike Saint Gail of the Clockwork Urn, is not off the hook.

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      1. Because he is a GS13 editor trained at only the finest schools of journalism and knows exactly how to construct a sentence.

        Oh wait, that's not right.

        It's because he is a giant drunken DUMBFUCK.

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    1. And does the Stolen Valor Lying of Lebanon know that you shouldn't string 5 nouns in a row without some punctuation or modification, in addition to stating as fact something that hasn't actually happened? Oh, right: GS-13, baby! 30 years of journalism! Too bad they were preceded by about 9 years of public schooling.

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  5. O/T:
    Georgia underground bunker hits the market

    The only privately-owned underground bunker in the United States just hit the market in Georgia for $17.5 million.

    The hardened bunker, known as The Facility, is listed by Sister Hood at Harry Norman Realtors’ Buckhead office.The Facility is located 45 feet underground in Tifton, Georgia. It's on a parcel of more than 20 acres and has eight bedrooms and 10 bathrooms, according to Harry Norman.

    The two-story bunker is certified to withstand a 20,000-ton nuclear blast.

    The first level has a large home theater with seating for 15, a kitchen, recreation area, conference rooms, a Decon shower and more.

    The second level has four luxury apartments. Each apartment has two bedrooms, one bathroom, a kitchen, dining area, living room, Internet with its own security, modern HVAC system and environmental monitoring sensors.

    The bunker was built in 1969 and renovated up to government standards in 2012.

    So there are government standards for underground bunkers? Who knew?

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      1. I know, I know. First, they are ignoring that entire prepper movement, and the three (four?) companies that manufacture pre-assembled bunker units.

        Plus all those really smart people that DON'T advertise that they have one.

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    1. Problem is he, like LBJ will not seek it, and if offered will not accept, if forced will not comply.

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  6. ICYMI -

    https://twitter.com/brainsrpatton/status/666707896424644609

    http://i675.photobucket.com/albums/vv117/cocoheart_2009/Smiles/Misc/funa_zps0a29081b.gif

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    1. Too bad the inspiration never makes it to the surface. Decency? Sending deathbed photos of a wife to complete strangers in not decency.

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    2. *cringe*

      Think about that some more, and his ghoulish relish with which he regaled unwilling strangers with details of her misery. Then, *double face-palm*.

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  7. hahahaha Freakshow wants to believe because evidence wasn't shared with the repeatedly cuckolded, dementia addled, slapped with multiple restraining orders from multiple states, so thereby an adjudicated cyberstalking harasser, Bill Schmalfeldt, that means the evidence wasn't shared with anyone. Malignant narcissism much? hahahaha

    https://twitter.com/TheMerryWidower/status/666698378445762560

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      1. Is that the same as "I'm gonna own your wives and all your property and you'll be living in the streets?"

        I didn't mind the first time it happened when Mr. Hoge and his family were sleeping in my living room but the HZIC is a decaying corpse and I'm NEVER getting my security deposit back.

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  8. https://twitter.com/TheMerryWidower/status/666765543270162432

    Let you live in peace, Blob? You think the guy you just lol-sued (and ran from) should just leave you alone? The guy you were just telling that he was going to jail should leave your fat, vile, harassing ass alone? While you flail wildly at anyone you think you might be able to lay one of your shit stained dickbeaters on? You're out of your fucking mind, you psycho.

    You seem to have forgotten 3 little words, Dumbfuck: Murum aries attigit.

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