“Excuse me, students. I’d like to make a statement.
“Given the current campus environment concerning social/racial/gender/what have you sensitivity towards any and all forms of ‘microaggression,’ whatever the hell you think that is, I think it’s fair to warn you that the following should be considered a ‘macroaggression’ and if you don’t want to be offended you should start running right now as fast as you can away from this place.
“Fuck you all, you whining titty-babies. The world does not care about your feelings. The world is not a safe space. If you want a safe space, go to your little dorm room, close the door, lock it, and pull the shades closed very tightly. Put on your Beats by Dre headphones and crank your socially acceptable music at the highest possible volume to drown out any possibility of offensive noises.
“Stop attending any classes where you fear the possibility of being exposed to facts, theories or opinions that challenge your own. Your parents have already paid the tuition; we don’t care if you show up or not. We will flunk your entitled ass right out of here and put another paying customer in your place. You should see how long the waiting list is.
“We don’t care about you.
“We used to mold adults here. For the last several years we have, in the name of tolerance and political correctness, allowed our mission to be diverted from that path and instead we now perpetuate childhood. That ends today.
“If you are unhappy with this development, I’m sure there are many universities who will happily take your parents’ funds and continue to bottle feed you and change your didies. We’re done with that. Cry all you want. The candy bowl is empty.
“Fuck off, and have a nice day.”