EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS WHEN YOU JUST CAN'T THINK OF A GOOD TITLE?

Podcasting and internet harassment were my life, and I was a self-centered boob. (Can a walking penis also be a boob? Wouldn’t a centered boob look kinda strange? Like a huge, floppy pimple?)

NOW MY WIFE IS GONE AND SHE AIN’T COMING BACK. AND A BUNCH OF SLAVERING PIGS ARE THROWING THEIR DROPPING (I STILL HAVEN’T FIGURED OUT HOW A “BUNCH” OF PIGS CREATES ONLY ONE “DROPPING.”  MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE…) AT HER MEMORY. THEY’RE NOT DOING IT TO HURT HER – SHE IS BEYOND THEIR FILTH. THEY ARE DOING IT TO HURT ME. (BUT I HAVE TOLD THEM MULTIPLE TIMES THAT THEY CAN’T HURT ME…USUALLY RIGHT BEFORE FILING A FEDERAL LAWSUIT FOR BUTTHURT) I WANT YOU TO THINK OF THIS BOOK IN FOUR PARTS.  FIRST (AND BY FAR THE MOST IMPORTANT!!), MY SELF-ABSORBED ATTEMPT TO SHARE MY STORY OF MY EXPERIMENTAL DEEP BRAIN STIMULATION SURGERY (THAT HAD ONLY BEEN EXPERIMENTALLY PERFORMED TENS OF THOUSANDS OF TIMES PREVIOUSLY) WITH THE WORLD. PART II, GAIL FIGHT CANCER AND WIN (BUT MONGO ONLY PAWN IN GAME OF LIFE). PART III, GAIL FIGHTS MASSIVE ORGAN FAILURE AND LOSES (THE MASSIVE ORGAN JOKE IS JUST TOO EASY…I AIN’T EVEN GONNA BOTHER).  PART IV, SCUMBAGS (WHO I WILL NAME BY NAME AND WILL HOME TOWN BY HOME TOWN) HAVE DECIDED THAT MY FEIGNED SORROW OVER MY LATE WIFE IS JUST THE FUNNIEST THING THEY HAVE EVER HEARD OF.

NOT REALLY, BUT IT’S DEFINITELY OF A PATTERN, SUCH AS WHEN I DECIDED THAT THE ANSWER TO THE COSMIC QUESTION: “NOW WHAT?” WAS

11-12-2015 1-27-44 PM

I KNEW I WAS A SELF-CENTERED EGOTIST. AND I MADE GODDAMN SURE EVERYBODY ELSE KNEW IT TOO. YOU NEED TO BE TO SURVIVE BEING FIRED IN LESS THAN A YEAR FROM EVERY JOB YOU’VE EVER HELD IN BROADCASTING. BUT NEVER IN MY MOST PUERILE (I REALLY SHOULD HAVE LOOKED THAT WORD UP) DREAMS DID I IMAGINE THERE WERE PEOPLE WHO WOULD SINK SO LOW AS ME AND DO SOMETHING LIKE THROW SLIME–AND THE RECENTLY-DECEASED WIFE OF THEIR ENEMY. I HAVE PUT OUT A $2000 BOUNTY FOR THE VERIFIED NAME AND ADDRESS OF THEIR RINGLEADER (WE’RE NOT A RING, DUMBFUCK…WE ARE A HORDE!  AND I AM A PROUD HORDEMONGER), BUT SO FAR EVERYBODY LIKES HIM BETTER THAN ME AND MY STERLING REPUTATION. THAT MONEY COULD BE YOURS, UNLESS YOU

  1. APPROVE OF THROWING CRAP AT THE MEMORY OF A GOOD WOMAN
  2. GOOGLE MY NAME AND LEARN WHAT EVERYONE ELSE ALREADY KNOWS
  3. DON’T KNOW WHO THE HORDEMONGER IS
  4. JUST DON’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK AT A ROLLING DOUGHNUT

But now?

Things are different!  I’ve taken the high road, abandoned the argument, and turned my attention to providing a service to folks in my position.  And that service is

DO NOT APPROACH THE MADMAN WHO WROTE THIS BOOK

For you visual learners out there…Hownaturesaysdonottouch

Because now, internet harassment and podcasting are my life.  And I am still a self-centered boob.

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Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man’s Zombie

26 thoughts on “EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS WHEN YOU JUST CAN'T THINK OF A GOOD TITLE?”

  1. bwahaha....

    Things Bill was concerned about after Gail died:

    1. Re-working web presence
    2. Smaller coffee pot
    3. Fucking hospice taking so long getting her crap out of here
    4. Paying TJ hush money before he kicked me to the curb
    5. Damn... out of whiskey again?!
    6. When do I get the life insurance policy payout!! *foot stomping*
    7. Whats the cheapest urn I can buy to hold Gails ashes?
    8. Ooooooh.... they are running sales on podcasting equipment and subscription services? I'll put the urn on hold for now!
    9. Hmm... I still owe Brett gas money. Ok gonna have to go with a cheaper urn... Gail would understand.
    10. KRENNNNNDLER!!!!!!!!! HOGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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    1. Don't forget trying to get her relatives to take up the fights he started.

      And offering strangers pictures of her cooling corpse.

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  2. "Time for a footlong with mayo, with some JWR. And then a few words about my dead slut wife."

    I'm surprised he has time to scrape this site.

    Oh, and Bill? You're doing it the hard way...

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  3. Is this another Parvarocampus project or is William admitting to this one up front? How many times will he slam his face into a wall before it finally comes tumbling down?

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    1. Well, if you're posing as a Dumbfuck, I suppose the title works. And why use the right words?

      Oedipality and Dumfuckedness?

      BTW, where's Howard? He ought to be cheering and whistling at this one!

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  4. Interview? Bwahahahahahahahah. Exactly who interviewed you Bill?

    "Smashwords Interviews are created by the profiled author, publisher or reader. "

    https://twitter.com/TheMerryWidower/status/664929735764516864

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    1. What are the interview questions? "Where did the bad zombie touch you?" "Do you have any idea why they randomly picked a disabled widower to harass?"

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    2. Interviewer: So do you mix your Johnny Waler Red or drink it neat?

      Bill: I HUFF PAINT OUT OF A PLASTIC BAG!

      Interviewer: Uh... ok. And what was the inspiration for your latest book?

      Bill: FUCK I'M OUT OF RUBBER CEMENT!!! YOU GOT ANY RUBBER CEMENT?

      Interviewer: Uh...no. No I do not.

      Bill: OK WELL I'm GONNA EAT A MICROWAVE BURRITO AND THEN TAKE A NAP. DON'T TOUCH MY AWARDS! THOSE ARE MY AWARDS! MINE! I NEED MORE PAINT!

      Interviewer: *looks nervously to the door*

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  5. Can someone 'splain to me please. How on earth does epic mockery of something outrageous Bill Schmalfeldt puts out there (because this post is epic for the lulz) mean that Krendler is the one dancing for Bill? Seems to me that Krendler is doing what Krendler does and has SAID that he does - do Bill Schmalfeldt better and more outrageous than Bill
    Schmalfeldt.

    Someone just doesn't understand how this works I think. Or maybe he is the one who is Autistic.

    https://twitter.com/TheMerryWidower/status/664950266970685440

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      1. I would actually give DUMBFUCK some small amount of credit if Bunny Boy hadn't thought the whole thing up for him.

        Oh, and if I wasn't going to turn the whole thing back and blow it up in his face again.

        Y'know...like always.

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  6. "GAIL FIGHTS CANCER AND WIN[sic]"
    Nice editing job. I'd his name spelled correctly this time?

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