It’s a gorgeous piece of machinery. And it would certainly increase my range. I’ve already proven that I can walk to and from the liquor store a mile and a half from my apartment. I pay for it every day, but I do it. And the whiskey is soooo worth it. Mmm…Johnnie Walker Red. Wowsah!
So this scooter would have seriously increased my ability to get out and about. Maybe even to a tavern a couple more blocks away.
The EWheels EW-36 Mobility Scooter is a high powered and exceptionally well-built 3 wheeled scooter designed to provide a much greater top speed and range than any other scooter device on the market. Feature packed with all the luxuries of a high-end motor vehicle, this high-octane electric scooter can travel up to 18 miles per hour and has a range up to 45 miles (THAT WILL GET ME ALL THE WAY TO THE COURTHOUSE IN MILWAUKEE…AND BACK)! No other mobility scooters on the market compares to the EW-36 in control, capacity or conveniences. The newly designed 2013 model has been vastly improved with a variable speed dial feature which enables the EW-36 scooter to travel at speeds as low as 1/2 mph. This new variable speed feature make this Scooter a perfect fit for both indoor and outdoor use with speeds reaching up to 18 mph as one of the fastest scooters on the market. The EW-36 is available in four designer colors Red, Silver, Orange and Black. Featuring a powerful yet quiet brushless 500 Watt transaxle electric motor, powered by a work duty 48V/20AH maintenance-free lead acid battery, the EW-36 can travel farther and faster than ever thought possible on a mobility scooter. Dual rear shock absorbers and an E-ABS front and rear braking system ensure a smooth ride no matter the terrain, and the 16″ diameter wheels can navigate uneven ground with ease. Head and tail lights (FOR MY HEAD AND MY TAIL!), a deluxe seat with safety belt and armrests, and rear wheel anti-tippers provide added safety when on the go (CUZ YOU KNOW I LOVES POPPIN’ SOME WHEELIES!). Brand: E-Wheels Speed Range: 1/2 mph – 15 mph Model: EW-36-R Battery Range: Up to 45 miles Weight Capacity: 400 lbs. Warranty: 3 Year Warranty Product Weight: 200 lbs. Product Dimensions: 61″ x 29″ x 41″
The price was reasonable, only 22% of the $9000 insurance benefit that I have already spent a huge chunk of on this computer. It arrives completely assembled. I can afford it now.
I was just about to place my order when a ghostly voice drifted down from the clouds…
“Look up, Bill…”
I looked up. Over my head, the ceiling fan was talking to me.
“Out the window, dumbass…” the voice whispered.
I went to the window. I raised the shade.
“For God’s sake, Bill! Put on some pants!”
I pulled the shade back down. I did what the voice said and went back to the window. I raised the shade again. There was Gail, with Inky next to her. Goddamn that kid! He did sell her to the Korean BBQ joint!
“Gail, what are you doing here?”
“I’m here to stop you from doing something stupid again…Don’t buy that scooter…You haven’t thought it through…”
When she was living, Gail frequently stopped me from making what would have turned out being a foolish purchase. She had this wonderful ability to see what I couldn’t – like the need for pants. Over the years she saved me a great deal of money that I was able to spend on blog hosting and podcast equipment and, by example, she turned me in to a better shopper. Now I waste my money on a much better class of useless crap, and I’m a better man for it.
The next thing I remember was back sitting in front of my new HP Touch Screen Beats Audio computer (cheap at only 11% of the $9000 insurance payout – but I wonder why Gail didn’t tell me my laptop was just fine for a three room Mangina Cave?), my sweaty peni- I mean, FINGER hovering over the “Enter” button. Had my vision of Gail been real, or a dream? And why was I wearing pants? Whatever.
For the life of me, I could not think of a reason not to buy this thing, this wonderful thing which would increase my mobility by lightening my pockets of this cash burning a hole in them. I don’t need it for getting around the apartment. But it would be wonderful to just go out and take a ride (instead of all this tedious walking) down the trail along the lake…
The lake. Right across the street. You can’t miss it.
Lake effect snow.
This scooter would do fine in the snow.
Going outside in that would EXACERBATE my Parkinsons Disease and I wouldn’t even be able to blame HOOOOOOOOOGE!!!
Bitter, subzero cold.
PAH! I am strong like bull! Wisconsin cold is nothing compared to Maryland cold.
I could slide down an incline right into the lake. Or a snowbank. Someone might steal my scooter and they wouldn’t find me until the spring thaw.
No, I’d be okay. Someone would miss my podcast and call the police. Maybe.
But I don’t have a parking spot. Or a garage. Because I can’t drive. Because of Parkinsons. Which probably makes it a great idea to have a scooter I could suddenly yank off the sidewalk and into the path of an oncoming Pabst beer truck. The do still brew that in Milwaukee, don’t they?
I had been thinking of jus trolling Lickspittles in the apartment.
Bad idea. Snow on the wheels and chassis. Road salt. Especially when I take it out on the interstate for that ride to the courthouse.
Rugs. In the hallway. In my apartment. Driving a snow-encrusted, salt-covered scooter into the hallways and then into my apartment.
Management would LOVE that. Because it violates the lease. I think. Probably. I guess I should have read the thing.
And I certainly couldn’t be bothered to climb off it and wipe it down with a towel when I come inside. That would be unthinkable. I’d have to hire a Cub Scout to do that for me.
So, no go on the scooter.
Thanks, Gail! Even in death, you are smarter than me. I will love you forever.
Now…where are those pictures of huge black clocks I was looking at earlier?