Dumber Than Dearest Departed Darling

It’s a gorgeous piece of machinery. And it would certainly increase my range. I’ve already proven that I can walk to and from the liquor store a mile and a half from my apartment. I pay for it every day, but I do it.  And the whiskey is soooo worth it.  Mmm…Johnnie Walker Red.  Wowsah!

So this scooter would have seriously increased my ability to get out and about. Maybe even to a tavern a couple more blocks away.

The EWheels EW-36 Mobility Scooter is a high powered and exceptionally well-built 3 wheeled scooter designed to provide a much greater top speed and range than any other scooter device on the market. Feature packed with all the luxuries of a high-end motor vehicle, this high-octane electric scooter can travel up to 18 miles per hour and has a range up to 45 miles (THAT WILL GET ME ALL THE WAY TO THE COURTHOUSE IN MILWAUKEE…AND BACK)! No other mobility scooters on the market compares to the EW-36 in control, capacity or conveniences. The newly designed 2013 model has been vastly improved with a variable speed dial feature which enables the EW-36 scooter to travel at speeds as low as 1/2 mph. This new variable speed feature make this Scooter a perfect fit for both indoor and outdoor use with speeds reaching up to 18 mph as one of the fastest scooters on the market. The EW-36 is available in four designer colors Red, Silver, Orange and Black. Featuring a powerful yet quiet brushless 500 Watt transaxle electric motor, powered by a work duty 48V/20AH maintenance-free lead acid battery, the EW-36 can travel farther and faster than ever thought possible on a mobility scooter. Dual rear shock absorbers and an E-ABS front and rear braking system ensure a smooth ride no matter the terrain, and the 16″ diameter wheels can navigate uneven ground with ease. Head and tail lights (FOR MY HEAD AND MY TAIL!), a deluxe seat with safety belt and armrests, and rear wheel anti-tippers provide added safety when on the go (CUZ YOU KNOW I LOVES POPPIN’ SOME WHEELIES!). Brand: E-Wheels Speed Range: 1/2 mph – 15 mph Model: EW-36-R Battery Range: Up to 45 miles Weight Capacity: 400 lbs. Warranty: 3 Year Warranty Product Weight: 200 lbs. Product Dimensions: 61″ x 29″ x 41″

The price was reasonable, only 22% of the $9000 insurance benefit that I have already spent a huge chunk of on this computer. It arrives completely assembled. I can afford it now.


I was just about to place my order when a ghostly voice drifted down from the clouds…



“Look up, Bill…”

I looked up.  Over my head, the ceiling fan was talking to me.

“Out the window, dumbass…” the voice whispered.

I went to the window.  I raised the shade.

“For God’s sake, Bill!  Put on some pants!”

I pulled the shade back down.  I did what the voice said and went back to the window.  I raised the shade again.  There was Gail, with Inky next to her.  Goddamn that kid!  He did sell her to the Korean BBQ joint!

“Gail, what are you doing here?”

“I’m here to stop you from doing something stupid again…Don’t buy that scooter…You haven’t thought it through…”

When she was living, Gail frequently stopped me from making what would have turned out being a foolish purchase. She had this wonderful ability to see what I couldn’t – like the need for pants. Over the years she saved me a great deal of money that I was able to spend on blog hosting and podcast equipment and, by example, she turned me in to a better shopper. Now I waste my money on a much better class of useless crap, and I’m a better man for it.

The next thing I remember was back sitting in front of my new HP Touch Screen Beats Audio computer (cheap at only 11% of the $9000 insurance payout – but I wonder why Gail didn’t tell me my laptop was just fine for a three room Mangina Cave?), my sweaty peni- I mean, FINGER hovering over the “Enter” button. Had my vision of Gail been real, or a dream?  And why was I wearing pants? Whatever.

For the life of me, I could not think of a reason not to buy this thing, this wonderful thing which would increase my mobility by lightening my pockets of this cash burning a hole in them. I don’t need it for getting around the apartment. But it would be wonderful to just go out and take a ride (instead of all this tedious walking) down the trail along the lake…

The lake. Right across the street. You can’t miss it.

Lake effect snow.

This scooter would do fine in the snow.

Wind chill.

Going outside in that would EXACERBATE my Parkinsons Disease and I wouldn’t even be able to blame HOOOOOOOOOGE!!!

Bitter, subzero cold.

PAH! I am strong like bull!  Wisconsin cold is nothing compared to Maryland cold.


I could slide down an incline right into the lake.  Or a snowbank.  Someone might steal my scooter and they wouldn’t find me until the spring thaw.

No, I’d be okay.  Someone would miss my podcast and call the police. Maybe.

But I don’t have a parking spot. Or a garage. Because I can’t drive. Because of Parkinsons.  Which probably makes it a great idea to have a scooter I could suddenly yank off the sidewalk and into the path of an oncoming Pabst beer truck.  The do still brew that in Milwaukee, don’t they?

I had been thinking of jus trolling Lickspittles in the apartment.

Bad idea. Snow on the wheels and chassis. Road salt. Especially when I take it out on the interstate for that ride to the courthouse.

Rugs. In the hallway. In my apartment. Driving a snow-encrusted, salt-covered scooter into the hallways and then into my apartment.

Management would LOVE that. Because it violates the lease. I think. Probably. I guess I should have read the thing.

And I certainly couldn’t be bothered to climb off it and wipe it down with a towel when I come inside. That would be unthinkable.  I’d have to hire a Cub Scout to do that for me.

So, no go on the scooter.

Thanks, Gail! Even in death, you are smarter than me.  I will love you forever.

Now…where are those pictures of huge black clocks I was looking at earlier?


Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man's Zombie

12 thoughts on “Dumber Than Dearest Departed Darling”

  1. *shudder* I feel such great pity for anyone "loved" by Bill Schmalfeldt. I mean, look how it worked out for SGotCU.

    Months before she needed emergency care, based on photos posted on the internet, the horde remarked she looked ill and needed medical attention. The horde was ignored; she didn't get treatment in time to help her. But Bill Schmalfeldt did, no doubt. Besides, she was too busy taking care of Bill Schmalfeldt, and running errands for Bill Schmalfeldt, and dealing with the ridiculous lawfare of Bill Schmalfeldt, to take time out for her own medical needs.

    In her last days, the malignant monster regaled her with tales of strangers on the internet mocking her. Unless the freak was reading sites other than TFS (and how could it, when it spends at least 12 hours per day F5'ing four TFS sites), most of those stories were completely false, but hey, she's dying; she won't check, right? And how else could the vicious bully torment a dying woman with those nurses checking on her and whatnot?

    To show "love" to this dying woman, Bill Schmalfeldt took literally the worst photo of her ever, and then distributed it in multiple states and the internet. The demented freak seemed to relish describing every mortifying detail - including urine "up to her armpits", soiling herself, and much more - to strangers on the internet. And don't forget the "hot, soapy" showers! Who on earth describes washing an ill or dying person? Oh, yeah, Bill Schmalfeldt, that's who, because even her death had to be all about drawing attention to Bill Schmalfeldt.

    No one could mistake the ghoulish delight, even seeming to look forward to her death and the opportunities it would open. Within hours of her passing, it was focused on "re-branding." The day before, the monster decided to get a new, smaller coffeepot. You know, because she wouldn't be drinking coffee anymore and it's not smart enough to make less. Things like that are what mattered while she was dying, not spending time with her, no. It was too busy humiliating the poor woman on the internet, or demanding attention from strangers on the internet, to even be with her during her last moments.

    Is there any doubt why Bill Schmalfeldt's own offspring want nothing to do with it? Why Bill Schmalfeldt was repeatedly cuckolded by multiple wives? Why a national charity "fired" Bill Schmalfeldt from promoting the charity? Why multiple judges in multiple states slapped Bill Schmalfeldt with multiple restraining orders, adjudicating the demented monster a cyberstalking harasser?

    No one should have to suffer the indignity of "love" like that.

  2. That particular scooter runs somewhere around $2000 - $2500. Sure seems like an extravagant purchase to even entertain considering there are FAR less expensive models out there, BS has only $9000 (minus his new HP Touch Screen Beats Audio computer) to his name, and because BS can... oh... I don't know... WALK.

    And, if he couldn't walk -- as in, you know, ACTUALLY BEING TOTALLY DISABLED -- a scooter would cost him nowhere near that amount of money as I would think insurance, Medicare, whatnot would step in and assist with the expense. But, being as he's just pathetically lazy, a terrible and habitual liar, and he's NOT TOTALLY DISABLED, the entire cost would undoubtedly be his responsibility.

    And, I seem to remember much wailing and gnashing of teeth over a court hearing that was scheduled when it was COLD! BRRRRR! outside. Now, Mr. NOT Totally Disabled wants others to believe he would actually go for a little cruise on a scooter around the lake when it was COLD! BRRRRR! and snowing (lake effect even!) outside.

    Lastly, I find it hard to believe that in the complex in which BS resides no one has a mobility scooter. So, what do they do when it's raining/snowing outside, or when they get road salt on their scooter? Does a complex that houses nothing but senior citizens simply say "Tough shit. Leave your scooter at the door?"

    BS. Never were initials more appropriate for the creature to whom we refer.

    1. Even the inability to walk doesn't equate to being able to complain of being TOTALLY DISABLED!!!! Such verbiage, from BS, is a mere play for sympathy... albeit from whom, I cannot guess.

      Take it from a guy in a wheelchair.

  3. BS has been maintaining the illusion that Krendler is someone new and different, specifically, a person who has been in the legal crosshairs of his very good friend. He has spent the past few days tweeting obscenities at the person he thinks is Krendler. Curiously, he keeps adding Osborne, xcitizen10, WhoIsNumbernone, and Wee Willy to his tweets. Is he trying to prove that he's earning his paycheck? The paltry insurance check won't go far, and a guy has to earn a little on the side, right?

    1. Is he trying to prove that he’s earning his paycheck?

      I think it's more trying to prove to himself that somebody, somewhere, cares about him and is willing to back him up/help him out.

      .... problem is, the people trying to help him the most are quite open that they don't like him.
      And they're actually giving him good advice, and he's capable of realizing that they're actually trying to offer real advice.

      The people he's trying to get attention from are using him as his efforts for their own enjoyment - and egging him on to get hurt worse for their amusement.

      The people who don't like him are amused - and keep telling him to stop, even at the loss of their amusement.

      1. Not me. I truly and sincerely hope that William keeps running face first into sliding glass doors for the rest of his life. It brings me more than mere amusement. It gives me Joy.

  4. "my sweaty peni- I mean, FINGER hovering over the “Enter” button"

    The iPad can read 11 points of contact on its touch screen. Do the math.

  5. "Gail would have been so proud of my HP with Beats audio. She always loved Dr. Dre, and thought that he should have more money. I guess it's reciprocity for so many dusky young gentlemen giving her money. When she got "THUG LIFE" tattooed on her distended belly, I didn't have the heart to tell her that was Tupac."

  6. Considering that Bill is on the ground floor, that may have only been the groundskeepers.

  7. Does Wisconsin have DUI laws for mobility scooters?

    Asking for a friend.


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