Good Morning DUMBFUCK!

Note:  The following is a PARODY of a blog post that purported to be a news-like article (but was probably just SATIRE!  CAN’T YOU PEOPLE TELL A JOKE WHEN YOU READ ONE???  FOCUS!  Which reminds me – anybody need a used car?  I’m lawyering up.).  The original, actionable, defamatory blog post will soon be deleted in a steaming yellow cloud of fear pee by the cowardly author, but no matter; it has been archived forever here.

THIS is a constitutionally protected PARODY.  A funny, funny PARODY.  And if you don’t like it, go eat a bag of dicks.

So if you want to laugh at a DUMBFUCK, click that link.  Then come back here and laugh even harder.

CAN BILL SCHMALFELDT PROVE HE IS NOT A RAPIST?

This is a disturbing story about a disturbed man that is disturbing on so many disturbing levels. Sick, political liberal author, satirist, blog icon, multimedia mogul, noted private citizen, adjudicated cyberstalking harasser extraordinaire and Sadistic Boy Scout Butt-Rape aficionado Bill Schmalfeldt has taken what some see as a strange interest in a convicted forger, perjurer, drug dealer, bombsetter and likely murderer and pedophile.  Schmalfeldt, who has a podcast on just about every possible internet outlet all at once now that his wife (God rest her soul) no longer controls the family purse strings or impacts the food budget, seemingly invents death threats, convoluted forgery schemes and extortion plots against himself because he is nothing but an average guy who apparently stopped killing cats after he joined the Navy, according to childhood neighbors who remember being told “not to play with that weirdo.”  Current citizens cursed to live near him – they visibly bristle at being called “neighbors” – indicate he “never said or wrote nothin’ mean about nobody never and just you try and prove it by looking at the scores of blogs and Twitter accounts that he neither deletes nor deletes from.

As it turns out, this everyday boy-next-door anal enthusiast has something in common with another public icon:  like former Subway spokesnerd Jared Fogle, Bill Schmalfeldt is being actively investigated for potential sex-related criminal activities.  Authorities in multiple jurisdictions declined comment about possible rape accusations made against Schmalfeldt, but sources speaking on condition of anonymity have said that recent advances in forensic science and DNA identification have led to many cold cases being re-opened and solved. Some even suspect that Schmalfeldt and Fogle have exchanged passwords for dark net accounts, but no such evidence has yet surfaced.

What else do Creepy Stalker Schmalfeldt and his young pal Fogle have in common, other than race, a love of creamy vanilla Jell-O pudding, watching I-Spy reruns and…

wait for it…

footlongs with mayo?   

What have they been exchanging in the secluded, dank corners of the dark web?  We may never know for sure. But Matt Osborne at BunnyBoy Unread (<— not really a link) has the details.  Remember, we’re not making any accusations.  Talk to that guy.

When your relatives say you’ve been up to something stinky with a minor child–that may have gotten your whole family run out of town to some godforsaken hole in North Dakota or something–and call you out on it, can the heinous and vile Browneye Lover Bill Schmalfeldt be far from a lifetime stay at the Grey Bar Hotel, learning to love midnight snacks from Bubba’s Darkmeat Whistle Stop Cafe?

Remember – the preceding is a PARODY.  If it makes you uncomfortable, please…stop reading.  I can’t help it if you feel guilty.  

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Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man’s Zombie

47 thoughts on “Good Morning DUMBFUCK!”

  1. Can Blob Schmalfeldt prove he's not a DUMBFUCK?

    They seemingly invent death threats against the young man occasioned by his video scolding President Obama for hating America.

    That's interesting, because it seems that Ali has gone so far as to completely invent a Baltimore Demoncrat activist by the name of Mona Brown to issue said threat, and while she has now apologized for it, she's cleverly claiming victimhood from the right wing.

    The kicker? This "invented" sockpuppet did a much better job of maintaining a Twitter account and amassing followers than Blob has ever dreamed of doing. That Ali sure is a clever one, isn't he, Blob?

    http://i.imgur.com/rhS5lnE.jpg

    On the other hand, it also sort of seems that Team Kimbergarten has a roster full of DUMBFUCKS.

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    1. Haven't you learned by now that Bill just takes whatever he is told and runs with it regardless of the truth? He would be kind of useless to his "friends" if he actually questioned what they told him. He would find the accusations baseless. Of course that probably wouldn't stop Bill from running with it anyway. His capacity for lying is very well documented.

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      1. We all know this, of course. But if we failed to beat it over the head with its spewage, what FUN would that be?

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      2. dont you mean "rolly-walkering with it"??

        the human stain couldn't run if his wife's life depended on it..

        oopsie poopsie...

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      3. Like my cats when the dog makes them scat? You know bouncing off of walls, posts, whatever in front of them at the time.

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    2. Seque, but someone should really tell Ms. Obama that the KKK was--and is--a bunch o' Democrats.

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  2. Schmalfeldt may wish to use his limited time to [I know it's pointless, but DON'T EDUCATE THE MONKEY. - PK].
    https://twitter.com/Grouch365/status/619507659012767744

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  3. Someone is having homoerotic fantasies about me. Again.
    https://twitter.com/Grouch365/status/619512127120887808

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      1. He has to wait until he gets the Death Certificate. That way if TJ boots his ass for making a pass at him he will at least have the insurance money for find a flop house to live in.

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    1. "Reading = stalking." - Buggery Boy, Twitter, 7/10/15

      Flagging that one for the Billy Sez crew.

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    2. Oh, dear. Given his tweet above, is this a promise to commit to paper his sexual fantasies about a Tufts student? No doubt, a male? Will there be promises of buggery (again) and ramblings about "spooge" and oral sex (again)?
      https://twitter.com/Grouch365/status/619520924027625472

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  4. learning to love midnight snacks from Bubba’s Darkmeat Whistle Stop Cafe

    "learning"? I rather suspect that would be one of the highlights from Day Night 1.

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  5. 1) Krendler never said he was creating a book
    2) Two days? Sounds exactly like a BS cut-n-paste job
    3) BS is a dumbass (and, a liar)... per always

    https://twitter.com/grouch365/status/619514582424518657

    His manufactured "death threats" and "forgeries" and "extortion attempts" are boooooring.

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    1. You said it was a PARODY in the first sentence. Seems clear to me.

      Besides, Bill keeps saying we're all talking about some fictional character with that name, not him, so even he knows it's not about him.

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  6. Let's see, it appears to me that William, who suing on account of his "sterling reputation" (derived in part from his "journalism"), spent a good chunk of yesterday publicly naming a minor that he apparently believes was sexually molested.

    If that doesn't rise to the level of "amoral scumbag", which I believe it does, it certainly falls within the definition of "unethical journalism."

    Of course, a jury might believe that both apply.

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      1. Man.

        Wait. I just checked the pool and everyone bet on each and every day. THIS WASN'T ABOUT WHEN HE'D BE A FAILURE, GUYS!

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        1. I call THAT guy!

          On Fri, Jul 10, 2015 at 4:36 PM, The Thinking Man's Zombie wrote:

          > Rob Crawford commented: "Some guy named "Vinnie". Maybe he think Joe > Pesci is his lawyer?"

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      1. I do like the fact that I've been elevated with Howard as a suspected "Vinnie", despite my not being a citizen of, or resident in, the United States.

        It is truly an honor.

        But, by all means, sue the wrong person again, William. I'm sure it'll work out for you in the end. You wouldn't be where you are today without your journalism.

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  7. He does the whole grief thing rather oddly.

    https://twitter.com/Grouch365/status/619654761109794816

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    1. You know this just shows me he really isn't grieving he has made Gail's death all about him. What a sick narcissist he is.

      When daughter died the last thing I wanted was her death to be on the web as fodder for folks who hated me. What the creeper is doing doesn't even remotely look like grief

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