Note: The following is a PARODY of a blog post that purported to be a news-like article (but was probably just SATIRE! CAN’T YOU PEOPLE TELL A JOKE WHEN YOU READ ONE??? FOCUS! Which reminds me – anybody need a used car? I’m lawyering up.). The original, actionable, defamatory blog post will soon be deleted in a steaming yellow cloud of fear pee by the cowardly author, but no matter; it has been archived forever here.
THIS is a constitutionally protected PARODY. A funny, funny PARODY. And if you don’t like it, go eat a bag of dicks.
So if you want to laugh at a DUMBFUCK, click that link. Then come back here and laugh even harder.
CAN BILL SCHMALFELDT PROVE HE IS NOT A RAPIST?
This is a disturbing story about a disturbed man that is disturbing on so many disturbing levels. Sick, political liberal author, satirist, blog icon, multimedia mogul, noted private citizen, adjudicated cyberstalking harasser extraordinaire and Sadistic Boy Scout Butt-Rape aficionado Bill Schmalfeldt has taken what some see as a strange interest in a convicted forger, perjurer, drug dealer, bombsetter and likely murderer and pedophile. Schmalfeldt, who has a podcast on just about every possible internet outlet all at once now that his wife (God rest her soul) no longer controls the family purse strings or impacts the food budget, seemingly invents death threats, convoluted forgery schemes and extortion plots against himself because he is nothing but an average guy who apparently stopped killing cats after he joined the Navy, according to childhood neighbors who remember being told “not to play with that weirdo.” Current citizens cursed to live near him – they visibly bristle at being called “neighbors” – indicate he “never said or wrote nothin’ mean about nobody never and just you try and prove it by looking at the scores of blogs and Twitter accounts that he neither deletes nor deletes from.”
As it turns out, this everyday boy-next-door anal enthusiast has something in common with another public icon: like former Subway spokesnerd Jared Fogle, Bill Schmalfeldt is being actively investigated for potential sex-related criminal activities. Authorities in multiple jurisdictions declined comment about possible rape accusations made against Schmalfeldt, but sources speaking on condition of anonymity have said that recent advances in forensic science and DNA identification have led to many cold cases being re-opened and solved. Some even suspect that Schmalfeldt and Fogle have exchanged passwords for dark net accounts, but no such evidence has yet surfaced.
What else do Creepy Stalker Schmalfeldt and his young pal Fogle have in common, other than race, a love of creamy vanilla Jell-O pudding, watching I-Spy reruns and…
wait for it…
footlongs with mayo?
What have they been exchanging in the secluded, dank corners of the dark web? We may never know for sure. But Matt Osborne at BunnyBoy Unread (<— not really a link) has the details. Remember, we’re not making any accusations. Talk to that guy.
When your relatives say you’ve been up to something stinky with a minor child–that may have gotten your whole family run out of town to some godforsaken hole in North Dakota or something–and call you out on it, can the heinous and vile Browneye Lover Bill Schmalfeldt be far from a lifetime stay at the Grey Bar Hotel, learning to love midnight snacks from Bubba’s Darkmeat Whistle Stop Cafe?
Remember – the preceding is a PARODY. If it makes you uncomfortable, please…stop reading. I can’t help it if you feel guilty.