A Few Good Cyberstalkers

Krendler: Colonel DUMBFUCK, did you order the Red Keurig?

Judge Karoli: You *don’t* have to answer that question!

Col. DUMBFUCK: I’ll answer the question!

[to Krendler]

Col. DUMBFUCK: You want answers?

Krendler: I think I’m entitled to.

Col. DUMBFUCK: You want answers?

Krendler: I want the truth!

Col. DUMBFUCK: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

[pauses]

Col. DUMBFUCK: Son, we live in a world that has people, and those people have to be doxed by men with computers. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Edgren? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Andrew Breitbart, and you curse Team Kimberlin. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That my stalking of Patrick Grady, while tragic, probably saved a lot of other people from the same fate. And my face, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, is just as grotesque and incomprehensible to everyone else on the Internet. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that net, you need me on that net. We use words like HEEEEENGH!, poop flakes, swollen anal tissue. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent building a sterling online reputation. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the intelligence nor the vocabulary to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the dozen restraining orders that I ignore, and then questions the manner in which I demand to be LEFT ALONE. I would rather you just bow down before my decades of experience as both investigative journalist and shithouse lawyer, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you click up a mouse, and post a parody. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

Krendler: Did you order the red Keurig?

Col. DUMBFUCK: I drank the coffee I…

Krendler: Did you order the red Keurig?

Col. DUMBFUCK: You’re Goddamn right I did!

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Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man’s Zombie

23 thoughts on “A Few Good Cyberstalkers”

    1. The next few shots are of Col Dumbfuck wondering why Sheriff John Hoge of Twittertown is about to slap the handcuffs on him, while Krendler says, "I am an officer of the United States Zombies and you're under arrest you son of a bitch."

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  1. https://twitter.com/Grouch365/status/621671956526579712

    AYFKM?!?!

    The poor woman lay dying in the next room and this asshole was blogging about needing to go out and buy a smaller coffeepot because "[her] coffee days are behind her."

    Obsessed? No, DUMBFUCK, we're flabbergasted. At you. Just when we think you can't go any lower, you get out the fucking jackhammer and dig deeper.

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    1. There is also the abject stupidity of not being able to figure out how to put less coffee and water in a coffee maker so to make less than a full pot. Seriously, how fucking stupid do you need to be to have to buy a new coffee maker instead of not making a full pot? Well I guess when you have money to burn you go out and buy things. New coffee maker, smart phone, pay your filing fees. OOPS, sorry, forgot he lied to have the taxpayer support his lawfare.

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  2. Remember, Shakey. The success rate when placing the pistol in your mouth is not as high as one would think.

    Place the pistol to your temple. Try not to be an absolute failure at everything, GO IT?!?

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  3. "The time has come," the Walrus said,
    "To talk of many things:
    Of Keurigs—and urns—and stepchildren—
    Of lolsuits —and HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!!!—
    And why my seat is boiling hot—

    And whether pigs have mayo."

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  4. As social creatures, our brains have important mechanisms for interacting with others. One is the ability to recognize when our fellow beings disapprove of our behavior, and alter it accordingly to smooth our interactions with others and increase our acceptance in the "tribe". Bill Schmalfeldt is unable or unwilling to do this - it is a clear sign of a mental defect or disease, and why he is so isolated and friendless in his outrageous behavior.

    And before Shakey claims I don't have a PHD in psychology and can't possibly make such a claim, I'd like to point out that I don't have a PHD in mathematics, but I can still understand the order of precedent of mathematical operators, such that I know 4+4*3=16, while (4+4)*3=24. So I can also understand a tenant of modern psychology and how it applies to a particular individual, like the Elkridge Horror.

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  5. "I would rather you just bow down before my decades of experience as both investigative journalist and shithouse lawyer, and went on your way, "

    That sums up Shakey's basic attitude pretty darn well.

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    1. and yet he doesn't realize that he has completely the point of the current filing against him.

      he may come to regret that soon.

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  6. If I ever have children, I'll be reading this to them at bedtime every night.

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