The Head Zombie Is Back In Charge

I guess it just isn’t enough that I stop beating my enemy to death with its own words. I have to kiss the gigantic mangina’s boo-boos THAT IT LEFT ME CHOICE BUT TO GIVE IT, pat it on its spongy little noggin–with the brain swinging all lonely inside like a 40 watt bulb trying to light an 80,000 square foot warehouse–and tell it, “ya put up a good fight, DUMBFUCK, especially with the way you were able to cripple my one hand with multiple crushing blows from various parts of your face.”

That is what it said it would do to somebody in court, right?

Anyway, I had thought it would be a nice gesture to leave him be for a couple of weeks following the as-yet-unconfirmed death of his wife.  Let him do his imaginary grieving in peace.  Rapidly it became clear that mourning his ball-and-chain was the furthest thing from his mind; he had other priorities:

  • Smaller coffeepot
  • Getting rid of her clothes and possessions
  • Contacting the Organ Gift Registry, though the way I hear it, she had been giving gifts to people’s organs for many years (say, have you checked the THINKING MAN’S DOOM CLOCK lately?).
  • New smartphone
  • Rebranding itself from The Internet’s Most Famous Fat, Stupid, Untalented, Demented, Cyberstalking, Turdrolling Oedipal Podcasting Troll to The Internet’s Most Famous Fat, Stupid, Untalented, Demented, Cyberstalking, Turdrolling Oedipal Podcasting GRIEVINGEST GRIEFY GRIEVER THAT EVER DID GRIEVE A GRIEF Troll WIDOWER ELEVENTY.
  • Proving once and for all that it loved its wife more than it hates John Hoge
  • (Just fuckin’ with ya! That last point is the only truly funny joke it’s ever told.)
  • Planning for where to keep the “cremains.” (Is that like a “cronut?” Half croissant, half remains? And how does it taste with mayonnaise filling?)
  • And of course, it’s not A DUMBFUCK LIFE without another DUMBFUCK PODCAST. (Now there’s a concept!  “THIS AMERICAN DUMBFUCK LIFE!” You can have that free of charge – let that be my Deli Tray of Condolence to you)

So when it became clear earlier today that his grieving was either complete or just a very convenient PPPM* contrivance, I decided that my little vacation from public blogging must come to a close.

The monkey is so obviously rested and itching to dance.  And the show must go on, even if Blog Talk Radio keeps kicking you off the “air!” (take a freaking hint, would you?)

* PPPM – Poor, Poor, Pitiful Me

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Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man’s Zombie

61 thoughts on “The Head Zombie Is Back In Charge”

      1. Best friend in HS was CN. Sometimes a nine paneled division leaves odd groupings.

        (One thing I've never understood: are the two axes the character relative to the environment, or compared to some platonic ideal, or what?)

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      2. My main character was CN, and I know she just took a bit of offense :p

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        1. Oh noes, someone needs to play a character patterned off of Bill (or other members of TK) just to find out how quickly their gaming partners get pissed off and threaten to kick you out.

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      3. (One thing I’ve never understood: are the two axes the character relative to the environment, or compared to some platonic ideal, or what?)

        Depends entirely on who's running the game.

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      4. "Oh noes, someone needs to play a character patterned off of Bill (or other members of TK) just to find out how quickly their gaming partners get pissed off and threaten to kick you out."

        In GURPS terms, Bill is a -50 point character.

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      1. I think we could argue neutral vs. evil all day long. My gaming group always viewed CN as the most random of alignments. CE implies that The Clown has a purpose.

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      2. Obviously evil doesn't always have a purpose as we have seen demonstrated schmycle after schmycle after schmycle....

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        1. Kimberlin is evil. No doubt.

          I think Bill is 'merely' unhinged. Think of Matt Frewer's portrayal of Trash Can Man in The Stand. Arguably, the guy didn't think about WTF he was doing. He was just enraptured by flame and in thrall to the Walking Dude (Randall Flagg).

          (Of course, now I'm going to have to read that book again, because I think maybe it's saying more than I noticed about the nature of good and evil. Well, moreso about evil. Or maybe I'm just adding 20+ years of life experiences to my memories)

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      3. Unhinged and evil aren't mutually exclusive. Embrace the power! Just because it is incompetent doesn't make it not evil.

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      4. I agree that BS is CN rather than CE. CE has a purpose, CN is blowing in the wind. We just see BS land more on the side of evil than not it seems.

        My DM would actually change your alignment if you started off as CN but couldn't maintain the cray that it required. It is worth noting that BS shows that same sort of cray necessarily on a daily basis.

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      5. No effin way is he CN. He's NE. He doesn't obey rules, but he doesn't object to rules for their own sake. He's just thoroughly nasty.

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    1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxt_GHYmolI

      As the man said,

      "Some get the awful awful diseases.
      Some get the knife, some get the Tovex.
      Some get to watch their wives recover,
      The better Bill Schmalfeldt to vex."

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      1. And for those that do not know, Warren Zevon wrote this after learning he had terminal lung cancer.

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    1. "Sir, that is our most modestly priced receptacle"

      On Mon, Jun 22, 2015 at 7:33 PM, The Thinking Man's Zombie wrote:

      > howarddearl commented: "Shakey's grieving process. "Is there a Ralph's > around here?""

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      1. Wow. Haven't seen or heard of a Ralphs since I last left CA. Is that chain even still around? Or did they go out with a whimper like Alpha Beta

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  1. https://twitter.com/TheGrouchcast/status/613117272807329792

    I do believe DUMBFUCK has multiple sworn court filings that state that Krendler ISN'T anonymous.

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    1. Did you see that horrifically ugly urn Cousin Bill picked?

      Beige, with accents of puke. And a fricking clock face on it...because Gail like to be useful! I'm guessing it was marked down...

      Clueless Bill, I guess I should not be surprised.

      The kin back home are *so* thrilled to hear he's considering moving back to Clinton, IA. Not.

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      1. She wants to be useful? I can think of several alternatives:

        http://imgur.com/a01AkzC
        http://imgur.com/UiU1POt
        http://imgur.com/SYWrGfi
        http://imgur.com/kRmkFkW

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      2. And I was just applying to be IT director there. I had two cost saving proposals:

        1) Don't let Chinese firms be "root"

        2) Dialup is cheaper.

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      3. Clocks are handy when you charge by the 15 minute block. Just sayin'. NEXT!

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  2. And the show must go on, even though I have neither the talent, nor the skill, nor the ability to have my own Blog Talk Radio show.

    http://i.imgur.com/V0pzhnQ.jpg

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    1. The real question is whether I could do a podcast in which I did nothing more than read aloud from the dictionary, took actual phone calls, and managed NOT TO GET BOOTED OFF THE SYSTEM FOR FALLING BELOW THE MINIMUM BOREDOM THRESHOLD LIKE THE LIBERAL GROUCH.

      Or maybe I should set a higher goal of staying on the same podcasting platform for more than 30 days at a time.

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  3. So are we weapons free on BS again? Is everyone done with their "Give him some time to grieve?" and realized what a waste it was?

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      1. Gail isn't dead, she's hiding in shame along with his brother and mom....

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      2. Been there? .....

        You sure you didn't mean for Bill...Been there. Fucked that. Missed the Penicillin shot

        Oooooo. I'm going to hell for that one 8)

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