Oh, What a Tangled Web We Weave – Part the First

When first we practice to deceive.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, a young married couple started out into the deep space of teh Interwebz. The husband was a paranoid sort, very private. And while the wife was private and tended not to share much – a definite INTP – she was a bit less lax about this sort of thing and didn’t understand what all the fuss was about.
But she understood all too well the evil that lurked in the hearts of men, and decided to follow her husband’s lead. From there, lo those many years ago, two fake internet personas were born – one for he and one for she. And, as necessity sometimes dictates, other personas branched off the originals, meeting the needs of a private person as the situation progressed.
Earlier today, one of these personas received a message from a VERY special someone. He was SUPPOSED to be apologizing to me for a comment my co-blogger thought was beyond the pale. But as you will see, it really wasn’t an apology.
Won’t you join me now, boys and girls, as we romp through the tortured and twisted mind of Bill Schmalfeldt.
Now, keep in mind, this was supposed to be an apology. An apology isn’t some ephemera that you just throw out there. It has form, and that form has function. There are four basic parts to an apology:
  1. Acknowledge what you did was wrong.
  2. Accept responsibility for your action.
  3. Make attempts to atone for the wrong you committed.
  4. Give assurances that the transgression will not happen again.

Let’s see how much Billy can accomplish in a lengthy letter.

My Apologies
From: Weltschmerz
Sent: ‎Sunday‎, ‎June‎ ‎14‎, ‎2015 ‎12‎:‎05‎ ‎PM
To: zombiemorgana@outlook.com, Sarah A

Hi there, Morgana. Or Morticia. Or Ashterah, or Ash, or “Sarah A” — it all gets so confusing, so please advise me as to how you wish to be addressed.

That’s what makes using one’s own name so simple — you don’t have to remember which character you’re playing at any particular moment. I’m always just “Bill.”
I guess I have a greater grasp on who I am. I can keep who I am straight on any given day. Today, I am Ash. Tomorrow? I think I’ll go with Rhiannon. I’ve always liked that name. Plus, you know, the song. I like having a name that’s also a song. There isn’t one for Ash unfortunately.
And although he starts the email out with “My Apology,” These first two paragraphs aren’t one.
I’m assuming Patrick Grady is defending your honor. Good on him. And if you were not the stinky skank in the courtroom (which I know you were not since your Match.com profile describes you as “blonde” and “curvy), then I apologize for that as well. When one’s adversaries are not brave enough to use their real names when attacking, then it’s easy to get all the players jumbled up… especially since a lot of the various players tend to turn out to be the same person.
Patrick Grady isn’t my co-blogger, and I don’t think he has yet to defend my honor. In fact, he’s none of my co-bloggers, on any site that I have. And oh look! He found a Match.com profile, as I thought he might if he became interested in me and investigated my breadcrumbs. So I made one for him. Glad he likes it so much!
And oh look! He says apology/apologize here. But it’s not an apology. He still insulted a woman by calling her a stinky skank. Whether or not she was me isn’t the point. HE IS STILL INSULTING SOMEONE. This is typical of Bill. It’s what he does. And he waves it away because his “adversaries are not brave enough to use their real names when attacking.” Oh please. He is prevaricating now.
I know who you are, Sarah, but I don’t wish you any harm. You have been a mild annoyance, a follower led by a leader who will be going down in flames very shortly.  (And if you want to advise George or Pat or John to call their local constabularies and ask whether or not arrest warrants in their names are outstanding, you should feel free to do that.)
He doesn’t know the first thing about me. Mainly because I don’t tell him anything about me. And yes he actually does wish me harm. We will get to that. Eventually.
What I wrote was not slanderous. What I wrote was mild and G-rated compared to some of the filth you and yours have thrown at me. Pictures of Gail as a decomposing corpse? Really? Can’t we even let the poor woman die before we mock her death.  She’s in home hospice now, drifting in and out of this world. But if you were, in fact, abused by a “naughty daddy”, it would explain a lot of the hate you have. Someone very close to me in the generation before mine was touched by a “naughty daddy”, a fact that wasn’t revealed for decades and then required years of therapy to get past.
Oh wait. I thought Bill was supposed to be apologizing to me for saying I had a “naughty daddy” in this email. That sounds like he still thinks I had a “naughty daddy” and that is the reason I hate so much. Or something like that. This is an apology? And why is he bringing into an apology *to me* the actions of others. Am I responsible for them? That would be a no. And he mistakes contempt for hate. It’s a common misperception, but I’ll let it stand for now.
Now, if you were offended by my question about your “daddy,” then please excuse me. I may have asked that on the same day as your evil leader made a remark about my wife’s impending death. Things like that make me angry. And when I get angry, sometimes I visit a court commissioner and get arrest warrants sworn out.
It seems to me that Bill has a habit of striking out at people blindly when he’s mad at someone completely different. That’s a huge indicator of a rage problem. He really should see someone about it. And again, that’s not an apology. Saying that “if I was offended” about something is not an apology. I know it’s the left’s favorite way of apologizing these days, but it doesn’t fly for those of us who have, you know, actual standards.
Now, is this the e-mail address you prefer I use to contact you, Sarah? Or do you prefer scorchedashes@outlook.com. Do you have another e-mail I can use? And Is your name really Sarah Ashleigh? Don’t worry about being doxxed. You have my word as long as you behave yourself and answer my questions with respect.
I don’t care what email he wants to send stuff to me on. I have one for Ash and one for Morgana. It separates things and keeps things organized. Mostly. But he should be warned. I haven’t yet told Bill not to contact me, but when I do, he should remember to use neither of them. Oh, and that email he posted above? It has a message within it. He probably should pay close attention to it.
Mr. Hoge, Mr. Grady and Mr. Howell are facing serious charges for the “forged letter” incident. Three felonies, one of which has a two year minimum sentence. Four misdemeanors. No, the charges are not on Maryland Judiciary Case Search. They don’t publish outstanding warrants until they are served.
Bill is so obsessed with something that he did. Or that somebody did. The problem is that if someone actually DID do it, he doesn’t have the proof of who they were. He just has his own beliefs about it. Like he always does. And the Feldtchart for it must be MAGNIFICENT!
Now, as to whether or not you can publish this e-mail. You may write, “Mr. Schmalfeldt responded to the post, was polite, and apologized for suggesting that one of my personalities may have been sexually abused as a child.” Anything more than that would be taken as a direct insult and will be dealt with in ways I will leave to your vivid imagination.
But Bill still hasn’t apologized in the slightest. He offered the “if you were offended by” non-apology. That isn’t an apology. And since he posted the email he sent to me first (safe link), my posting it isn’t an insult. And instead, *I* will deal with it in ways that can be left up to HIS imagination.
So, then, Sarah. I hope this answers any issues you may have. I might suggest you open a direct dialogue with me. You will find me to be polite when dealt with politely. If you are civil, civility will be your reward. Filth will be met with filth.
Consider your options, and thank you.
I don’t know if I should be disappointed that he didn’t end this with “Be Well.” I guess I don’t rate. *sob* How can I live?
And as for a “dialogue” with him, direct or indirect? Well, we will get to that tomorrow. I know he has already posted his version with excerpts. But mine is, um, more nuanced than his poor little brain can handle.
But back to the original point of this email. His Apology. It isn’t one. Let me count the ways:
  • No real acknowledgement, only situations couched in “ifs,” “but,” or by blaming things on his reactions to others
  • No acceptance of responsibility. It’s always the world that beats down upon Bill and therefore he must strike out, even at someone who is only guilty of QUOTING HIM ACCURATELY and then commenting upon that.
  • No attempt to atone.
  • No assurance that it won’t happen again.
This Apology? It is a fail on every single point.
Much like Bill himself.


Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man's Zombie

27 thoughts on “Oh, What a Tangled Web We Weave – Part the First”

  1. No fucking way... "You may write"? That could be infuriatingly outrageous if it weren't from such a laughably, impotent, despicable "person?".

    To reiterate what has so accurately been said before and by many, we don't feel hate, just disgusted contempt(paraphrased from the myriad examples I have read).

    There will never in it's life be anyone laughing with it, only at it.

    The entertainment value has most certainly increased, I had to stop by and take in the train wreck that is it's existence.

    I offer my sincere thanks and admiration to all those who continue to fight.

    1. Yeah, that was the line that kind of pushed my button just a little bit. I may write? Bitch, please! You're a pitiful little dude on the internet. I can do what I damn well please.

      1. As I've said on other blogs, It writes:

        “You may write…” my apology for me.

        Because that’s how you do an apology? Leaving it up to the victim to write it or say it. But only after you tell them what is acceptable language.

        You just can’t make this stuff up.

      1. no, the Feldtchart isn't your responsibility, only Dumbass can produce one with the full joi de vivre and vigor of a genuine Dumbass Feldtchart. When one of us tries to mimic his style we end up with working logic chains, correct assumptions that don't engage in suicidal leaps of illogic, even No paths out of decision trees, just not the same.

        on another note, I would like to note that the pony does not temporally dislocate, that's the job of the phone booth. The pony is merely an innocent victim and pawn in the spatio-temporal gymnastics I enjoy playing.

        My end goal is to get my complete slur label from Dumbass to read "felon trekkie zombie time lord", it's a humble quest but I like it.

  2. Tomorrow? I think I’ll go with Rhiannon. I’ve always liked that name. Plus, you know, the song. I like having a name that’s also a song.

    Stay away from Sara. That one's about Don Henley's baby that Stevie Nicks aborted. Ewww.

    1. As if I needed another reason to dislike Stevie Nicks.


      On Mon, Jun 15, 2015 at 10:13 AM, The Thinking Man's Zombie wrote:

      > Pablo commented: "Tomorrow? I think I’ll go with Rhiannon. I’ve always > liked that name. Plus, you know, the song. I like having a name that’s also > a song. Stay away from Sara. That one's about Don Henley's baby that Stevie > Nicks aborted. Ewww."

  3. I love how he thinks (used loosely) that he can dictate whether or not someone can post an email sent them.

    Drop dead, Shakes. And take Twat with you.

    1. I am lead to understand that this may be one of the few opportunities where Bill displays proper treatment to a woman. Inasmuch as, as I am lead to believe, the lady will go first.

  4. So much fail in one email.. and he's too stupid to realize it... sad sad little man.

  5. As usual, legal eagle and anus aficionado Bill Schmalfeldt hasn't a clue what he's talking about. But you should be happy that he didn't try guessing your age by smelling the last toliet seat you used. The way he drools and moans when his guess is in the single digits is truly disturbing.


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