Dear Zombie Ann Landers,

When Bill Schmalfeldt’s wife died, I made a promise to myself to leave him alone to grieve for two weeks.  Three days in, he doesn’t seem to be grieving much, nor does he seem to want to be left alone.  If that’s what he wants, far be it from me to deny him.



He really is such an adorable little impotent rage monkey, I know it isn’t fair to give him web-wedgies every day.  But I made a promise to myself, Zombie Ann Landers. And I was sort of looking forward to the break.

If he really, really wants to continue being made a fool of while mourning his late wife, don’t I have a duty to oblige him? Isn’t it the right thing to do? I feel certain that it’s what he would do if our positions were reversed, but he’s not any sort of exemplar of proper behavior.

Help me, Zombie Ann Landers! You’re my only hope!


Zombie PaulLee Stranahan-Krendler



Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man's Zombie

42 thoughts on “Dear Zombie Ann Landers,”

  1. I wonder what he thinks he would do with a bunch of IP addresses.

    Tip for Bill: the only IP address you truly need to worry about is

    1. "Fees for Subpoena Compliance. Verizon Online charges the following rates for compliance with civil subpoenas and other legal process. For subpoenas and other legal process that require substantial effort by Verizon Online, Verizon Online reserves the right to charge a rate of $75 per hour (plus overtime costs if necessary) and to collect an estimated fee in advance. Except as set forth in the preceding sentence, Verizon Online's subpoena compliance fees and charges are as follows:

      $40.00 per IP record requested (unless overtime charges apply)
      $22.00 per Federal Express or actual shipping charges if higher
      $0.25 cents per copy"

      Even that's gonna be expensive for ol' Bill.

  2. I change my IP address like Bill changes his Depends...

    Once every couple of days.

    The real trick, of course, is having a device that allows you to mutate its MAC address...

    1. Umm, that device would be the little green smelly thing he flushed, right? So he totally mutated it, right?

      And Hoge doesn't have any NASA contact with the anal probe aliens, right?

  3. Bill's such a honyock he can't even get FUN right.

    * * *

    It's now been a little over 24 hours since Bill Schmalfeldt made this particular threat promise over at Billy Sez. Come visit the wreckage that hell hath wrought- 44 new comments already today!

    1. I must say, Hell is awfully placid and kinda cozy. Maybe Hell is where Blob stumbles in every now and then to make an ass of himself. If that's the case, haven't we been there for years?

  4. If you're reading this Zombie Ann Landers, I have a question too!

      1. "There are more than two hundred host names that point to the IP address . "

        good luck with that.

    1. When I think of Bill, which is as little as I can manage, I try to pity him, and try to think of his stickiness and fixations (what he no doubt considers bulldoggedness) and the delusional aspects of his behaviour as the function of disease/misfolded protein. The mentally ill are often really big jerks, why should he be an exception. However, he is a completely unreliable narrator, he lies s a parietal syndrome. I have a lot of doubts and misgivings about anything related to recent events. I think he's misrepresented recent events and I just can't rely on anything he's related. The family seems to believe she is really gone; they have standing to obtain documents, I suggest, if they read any of this, that they do.

      I do not underestimate Bill's simple inability to comprehend or understand what he was told or what actually was happening, and that in essentials the sad case is his wife was in decline for unspecified reasons and chose to accept no treatment and she died. ALl inconsitencies can thus be mostly explained away. But his story has been full of mistakes and plot holes and occurrences that appeared out of the blue to resolve the questioning of his squirrely or concerning tales. Nothing he has said about her medical condition made much medical sense. As ghoulish and discomfiting as his oversharing reports were, the really uncomfortable idea is that proper care and attention was denied a person who deserved it, or that there is something else going on he decided to hide with a self-puffing drama.

      His behaviour since is peculiar to say the least. Maybe he's so self centered all he feels is relief and joy that he can return to his campaigns without distraction. Maybe he really is that shallow a being. But I'm concerned this simple explanation is not the explanation, that he was complicit in his wife's departure, or that she is ill and not dead at all, and her family has no way to get reliable information.

      It's none of my business. I won't be looking for any answer. I'm just saying I don't think a word Bill Schmalfeldt has related is reliable. I think her family should obtain the documents they have a clear right to receive.

  5. The Elkridge Horror has proven conclusively that his deceased wife's family pretty much agrees with the Zombie's opinion of him....what professional attorneys call a "Dead Bang Loser". Of course, in Bill Schmalfeldt's fantasy world of make believe he envisions himself as the world's greatest and smartest litigator. Who else would neglect to place a proposed order with their pleading for an extension or confuse federal and state law?


    Hey Bill, your wife's worst mistake was letting you back in the house after she threw you out! You can lie about it all you want, but your files say otherwise! And you treated her with such love and affection, you loathsome bastard!

    Hey Billy-Boy....where's all that "hell" you predicted? Just like when you predicted that your sister (let's see - was it Magilla Gorilla?) was gonna tear all our asses a new one? You lied about that one too!


    It is said in legal circles that "Payback" is a 12 letter word.....MOTHERF_CKER.

    Be Well,

    1. My IP is 2601:199:14100:ae59:daf:3dde:1d46:060c0. IP6 is still IP. What's blob gonna do if the end devices only use IP6 and the web site only logs the IP4 of the router? He's an idiot.

  6. After his wife passed, I felt truly bad for him. It's a terrible thing to go through. But all the while, BS has managed to act pretty much as if there was no change. Perhaps he is grieving in his own way away from the need to advertise (unlikely given his need to blog his Big BMs in the past), or he has resolved the issues given the apparent long-term nature of the illness (also unlikely as that generally requires a stable, rational mind).

    Instead, he is the same pompous, demented goon we have come to witness over the years. In fact, I offer that BS is accelerating down a crazy path - what is a frightening prospect (for BS, not really anyone else given his impotence, literally and figuratively) is that his wife DID serve as a mild check to his behavior and forced him into the real world once in a while. Without her, the TRUE BS can flow.

    So BS, if you are reading this, I am sorry for your loss... but bless your heart, you're proving to be the least sympathetic widower since Roman Polanski, and he at least had a few years of good will.

  7. Honestly, I don't remember Mr. Hoge saying anything about Bill's wife's passing. He is probably having those attribution issues again. He attributes all butthurt to one man.

  8. Zombie PaulLee Stranahan-Krendler,

    I appreciate your situation. On the one hand, a promise is a promise. Let me Google this Bill Schmalfeldt character and see....
    Holy Crap! Is he real? Holy Crap. No, I think you're under no obligation to...
    F-ckin A? He said that about his wife? No Sh-t.

    I say write what you want to. He's not changing his behavior, why should...
    No kidding? Cub Scouts? No way.


    Zombie Ann

    1. Dear Zombie Ann Landers...

      Did you see what he wrote about his daughter?

    2. So I googled this Schmalfeldt fellow like you suggested. One of the links was to "Lobotomy Sandwich" on facebook. This Sandwich character is friends with, of all people, a facebook page called "William M. Schmalfeldt, Sr., Artist"

      Artist, huh? Never know.

  9. See, I'm having a hard time reconciling Bill's tweet above, with:

    If WJJ Hoge III feels he just cannot live without holding a peace order against me, that’s fine. I am not going to challenge his appeals, other than to files briefs. And unlike Hoge, I am not lying when I say I will not attend either hearing. - Bill Schmalfeldt, June 18, 2015 on BillySez.

    (for those that lost their place in this mess, Hoge has a peace order petition hearing scheduled for the 25th. Hoge is a bad man for not postponing it indefinately because Bill haz sadz, while Bill is moving forward on the two suits he has filed against his enemies, real and imagined.)

    Surely Bill wouldn't be inconsistent, would he?

  10. " I have decided on a final resting place for my beloved."

  11. Dear Zombie

    This was a very difficult one to answer. I can see why you wrote. In fact, I consulted with Dear Abby Zombie to ensure that my answer took into account all issues.

    The evidence shows that no amount of time will suffice to reduce the DUMBFUCKERY of the DUMBFUCK. So you could wait three weeks, three years, or three centuries without any difference in effect. But that means you could just as well wait for only three microseconds.

    One reason to wait is that the brain available from the DUMBFUCK is clearly too small to satisfy the horde of zombies you have hanging around. After a while, there will be fewer to divvy up what is a small portion to begin with. However, there are indications that DUMBFUCK's brain is liquefying at a rapid rate so there might be nothing left if you wait.

    What seems to be the deciding factor is that zombies require a lot of FUN so further delay may prove harmful to the zombies' health, which is none too good in the best of circumstances. And DUMBFUCK clearly is eager to provide ample fun. Abby and I especially liked how he apologized to a couple by explicitly calling the man a thieving pimp and implicitly calling the woman a whore. That was the most insincere apology EVER.

    Dear Ann Zombie

    1. This comment by JeffM deserves an award. The blog owner must be at lunch right now.


      This comment has been rightly recognized as deserving of the Thinking Man's Zombie Seal of Approval.

      1. I am sincerely honored by the nomination from the most estimable of vendors of corn that has been popped, by the votes of all the seals, and the ratification by the head zombie Grady. Oops, that was supposed to be head zombie Hoge. .