25 thoughts on “Good Morning, DUMBFUCK!”

  1. Some people find their greatest comfort in the concept of a loving God. Others believe that the birth of their children is the most beautiful thing they’ll ever see. Some think sacred matrimony is the meaning of life. Many live for poetry, others for music and dance.

    Those people are wrong.They’re wrong in ways that only expert theologians can begin to comprehend, to say nothing of mere laymen.

    Nothing – and I mean nothing – is more singularly sensational than watching someone who’s fresh off of an attempted insanity plea lecture everyone how things are gonna be in a courtroom.

    That, right there, is what life is all about.

    That doesn't make me a … shallow person, does it?

    1. This is so fantastic that I feel bad - really bad - about trying to improve upon it.

      But the truth is, it isn't simply "watching someone who’s fresh off of an attempted insanity plea lecture everyone how things are gonna be in a courtroom" that is so sensational...

      It's watching someone who’s fresh off of an attemptedAND FAILED insanity plea lecture everyone how things are gonna be in a courtroom.

      1. That's what makes William so special. He thrills and excites different people in different ways.

        One can also be enraptured that he tried (and failed) to plead insanity to a misdemeanor, which might be a first in the annals of American criminal justice. Others might love that he attempted the plea without understanding that "diminished capacity or mental defect" means "goofy to the point of not knowing right from wrong", instead of just "a DUMBFUCK."

        Schmalfeldt makes snowflakes of us all, each unique in our awe of his various performances.

      2. Others still might have their breath taken away that our lad thought that the judge would take his word for it.

        "Oh, you're nuts?" he imagined her saying. "Okay then. Nothing more to see here. Move along, everybody."

      3. I feel a "Life of Brian" parody coming......

        "How shall we fuck off, oh lord?"

    2. I beg to differ, Neal. Every time you think the good Lord has blessed you with a vision of peak idiocy, another bigger, ever more stunning act of asininity presents itself. It's like driving through the mountains and finding increasingly spectacular vistas around every bend.

      Life is all about the journey, and the anticipation therein, knowing that there will always be something inconceivably epic ahead.

      1. The Cabin Boy is the gift that keeps on giving in almost metaphysical ways. Too dumb to die, whenever he's knocked down, you know that in mere moments the crowd will declare with shock "He is risen to take more punishment and humiliation!"

        It's getting to the point that the only way the story can get better is if we keep him in a cave for three days.

      2. I know a Slovenian pony farm that has a really big canvas awning they need to replace now that business has picked up and they can afford to build another barn. Said I could have it for free, just haul it away.

      3. By the way, does anyone have a really big shroud?

        I put a call in to Christo and Jeanne-Claude.

      4. Kyle: does said shroud awning have that "barnyard" smell, old bovine urine and horseshit mixed into a moldy, horsish odor?
        If it does, thet would make an apt shroud on so many levels ...

      5. You mentioned horseshit and barnyard odor together. That means you are the one who sent it because there is no other way you could have known that horseshit has a barnyard odor.

        Hope you are ready for the subpoena!

  2. I'm also surprised that William doesn't make more of the fact that he sees personal responsibility in the same way that many modern parents view peanuts - as so potentially lethal that not only will he refuse to be withing a square block of it, no one else can have any, either.

  3. Let’s see.

    Grady A) has been studiously ignoring Bill 99% of the time and B) has a protective order against him. Why would a person with those two conditions even deign to address Bill, ESPECIALLY to gratify him in his quest for validation. Because that’s really what Bill wants. Validation that he is important. Even MORE reason not to respond in any manner.

    Krendler, on the other hand, actively mocks Bill. On a daily if not hourly basis. Why should he change that up? Just because Bill thinks one is the other? Again, why give the validation that is being sought by the pitiful tincasa resident?

    This certainly is an exercise for Bill. One of futility. But hey, bonus! We get to point and laugh! Because all we have is FUN!

    1. If we're all pointing and laughing, does that make it a Feldtdown?

      Asking for a friend.

  4. Dear AVVO

    It's me again. There is this coward that runs a blog dedicated to defaming me. On the blog, he calls himself Paul, but that's not his real name. There is this other guy whose real name is Patrick. Both names start with the letter P; any idiot can see how significant that "coincidence" is.

    But wait, there's more. They (well really he) have twitters and blogs, and they (well really he) have never denied that Paul is Patrick. I learned in journalism class at Dumbfuck University that if people do not deny what I say within 3 hours and 13 minutes, then they have admitted it. And neither one (well really just one) has denied it. So I can sue them for conspiring to defame me, right?

  5. Bill: "Me know Grady is Krendler because me legally-imposed culture reduction mayo brain damage."
    Bill: "Me know Grady is Krendler because my emotional resources are heavily committed to Team Kimberlin felt downs while being fed kimby mayo from a distended abdomen."

  6. Abroad about above below, around against along. Amid amidst, between betwixt, behind before among. Toward within concerning till, athwart except beyond. Across but by far until amongst beside in down. Beneath, ere during, at into, upon off on throughout. With under up save since of to through over past without.

    1. I know I've read that somewhere before ...

      Sounds like something my daughter through together when she was six. Oh, and it strongly resembles something Mr. Bill tossed together in a legal document.


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