Yeah, Charlie..deus ex machina, Man!  What About It?

 

Creative Writing 101, Lesson 4:

If the only device you can think of is a deus ex machina, then you should admit that you have no storytelling talent, and you would be better off driving a truck or flipping burgers.  Under no circumstances should you consider either a career or a pretend career (hobby) involving anything connected to a keyboard.  It will bring only suffering and erectile dysfunction into your life.

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Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man’s Zombie

33 thoughts on “Yeah, Charlie..deus ex machina, Man!  What About It?”

  1. Twitter Attorney Smellfart parody question of the week for today:

    "What did the police officer say when I pissed myself while he was serving me a summons?"

    a) Haven't seen that one before.
    b) You should get your dog away from that stuff.
    c) Your mayo jar already full?
    d) Receiving a court summons always brings out the man in me. Brett says he respects my ability to deal with life head on, which is why he picked me to be his number one. La, la, la, number one, number one, ooo ooo baby, I'm his number one... Excuse me, I have to go find an empty mayo jar.

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    1. I'm not the kind of girl who gives up just like that, oh no-o-o-o-o

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      1. Remember the show "Solid Gold"? Debbie Harry was apparently both sick of "The Tide Is High" and moderately high when she appeared on the show, because, well just check out how she sneers her way through it. Hilarious.
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIi37VgTSbg

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  2. Creative Writing 101,Introduction (Well, actually, Preintroduction:

    Coprophilia or Boy Scout Rape are NOT creative devices. If you find yourself often reaching for these ideas when you write, get mental health immediately.

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    1. "Hey. Why didn't these goddamned eagles fly us here in the first place? Would've saved us a shitload of trouble."

      ...and of course that one only covers one of about nine distinct endings, so what good is it anyway?

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      1. Because in the early stages of the story they would never have been able to get anywhere near Mordor or Orodruin without being spotted by Saruman and opposed by both him and the Nazghul thereby gifting him with the ring.
        When they show up his power has been broken, all they do is rescue the hobbits.

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    2. "Oh great, somebody ask them where the fuck they were 500 bloody pages ago!"

      -Nobby, house hobbit

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    1. Sounds like someone got something official in the mail. And we've not had a good Tuesday Schmeltdown in a while.

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  3. https://twitter.com/EndTimesTribune/status/590669650901471232

    http://imgur.com/nv3vIZ8

    Is there a person alive who hates his own words more than Bill Schmalfeldt?

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  4. https://twitter.com/EndTimesTribune/status/590669421435322368

    OK. You're stupid. REALLY stupid. Monumentally stupid. Legendarily stupid.

    But since you've won a complete victory over John, why not tweet or email him to celebrate?

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    1. Or simply call him on the phone, a hearty "hi-ho the merry-o, old chum!"

      No?

      Pussy. Coward. Weeping Mangina. Cuckold. LIAR.

      The world waits for Cousin Bill to man-up...

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  5. It's occurred to me (yes, I'm slow) that Bill wants nothing more that to be prohibited by Peace Order from having to talk to John. Bill is all piss and bluster until he can actually confront John, then it's either gallons of fear pea, woe is me, or "you honor, I'm too mentally deficient".

    Then, when John yet again lets him off the hook, he all respectful, "Mr. Hoge has kindly agreed to drop all 370 charges. He's a real gentleman."

    Bill is nothing but a weasel. A John Hoge-fearing weasel.

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    1. Which brings up the question: Why is Schmalfeldt so obsessed with Mr. Hoge? Is someone or something forcing Schmalfeldt to focus all of Schmalfeldt's attention on Mr. Hoge? It seems to me that if Schmalfeldt would just forget that Mr. Hoge even existed then Schmalfeldt would have no peace order to worry about, at least with respect to Mr. Hoge.. I believe the judge at the most recent peace order violation hearing suggested as much.

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  6. "I'd show you a pic of Gail's newly distended abdomen, but I know how gently you assholes treat people you hate without even knowing."

    You shouldn't punch somebody so frail in the gut, Bill.

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  7. I must say, old boy seems pretty wound up.

    Grady, I mean Krendler, check your email and open up another thread on the secret (shhhh!) site. Tomorrow could be epic.

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  8. "Well, guess what. I just got some horrible news about my wife yesterday. And I'm ready to take it out on......whoever wants to make me even more sad and miserable than I already am."

    Forecast was for blustery windbags in Maryland - they got it right, for once.

    Hey, Bill. I know some folks at NIH who are doing a study on schleroderma. Shall I call them, you know, "fed-to-fed"?

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  9. Wait, let me get this straight..

    He "WON" his case due to a sympathetic (if not fully legal capable) judge. He celebrates and tells everyone how he is now THE MAN, with all the bluster of a guy who conquered Rome.

    Then he learns that Hoge has applied for a peace order extension, and he goes off unhinged, later telling us he got bad news about his wife and how he's nothing more than a cornered tiger and is ready to tear out our bowels if we dare try him.

    Isn't it ironic that he (or his "friends") like to make fun of Hoge for not being around his dying wife, and yet, here's Schmalfeldt not only spending his limited time with his wife and her ailments, but is totally focused on his butthurt?

    And he asks a court to give John Hoge a psych eval?

    I'm pissed because my microwave is broken at the moment and I can't pop more popcorn! What the hell is wrong with the world???

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    1. Let's face it, Bill is going to be all about the bowels and butthurt until the day he gets rolled into the industrial incinerator.

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