The Phone Call I Wish I'd Made Tonight

Me: beep-bip-boop-555-beep-beep-book-bip-SEND.

Ring.  Ring.  Ring.

Them: Good Evening! Thank you for calling Joe’s Multiplex. How may we serve you?

Me:  Hi! Listen, I know I’m not supposed to be using my cell phone in a movie theater, especially after watching 15 minutes of cute cartoons about how unforgivably rudeit is to ruin others’ moviegoing experience like that.  But I’m sitting waaaaay down here in theater 93 WITH SOME FUCKING ASSHOLE WHO BROUGHT A SCREAMING BABY INTO THE OPENING NIGHT OF A PG-13 MOVIE, so if you could maybe send an usher or seven down here to just stare at this INCONSIDERATE PRICK until he takes his child out into the hall, I would be most pleased to put my phone away and enjoy this lovely movie with the rest of this room full of people who dropped ten bucks a pop and for that much money deserve to be able to watch their movie in peace, don’t you think?  Thanks a bunch.



Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man's Zombie

10 thoughts on “The Phone Call I Wish I'd Made Tonight”

  1. There have been times where I was the "inconsiderate prick" but I did get up and take my baby out. And it was a PG or G movie with the REST of my kids ... So, yeah, I wasn't so much an inconsiderate prick as a responsible parent. If I can do it, I know OTHER parents are equally capable.

    1. Same here. I remember spending the last 15/20 minutes of one of the Star Trek films in the lobby holding my kid. She was perfectly happy out there, wailed in the theater - I'd tried going back in when she had calmed down, and made it two rows in before doing a U turn. And of course as soon as we walked out the door she shut up again and started grinning.

      As people left after the movie the only reactions I got were commiserating nods, "been there, done that, hope you didn't miss too much of the movie!", and queries if my kid was feeling better. It probably helped that it was a late afternoon showing, and not even the premier weekend, never mind night, and I'm sure if I'd stayed in the theater no-one (including the other family members we'd gone with) would have been being nice to me afterwards.

  2. I know if I complain about someone noisy, they will turn out to be a retarded kid and I'll feel like Larry David the whole movie.

  3. My two comments would be:

    1) When I saw Team America: World Police. The soundtrack was fairly quiet, with quiet dialogue, until an action scene kicked in. Then it was full blast, and I quote, "America, F*** yeah! Coming again to save the m*****-F****** day yeah!"

    The next theater over was Finding Nemo. They turned down the sound until the loudest sounds from my theater could not be heard over the quietest from theirs. I understand, but... annoying...

    2) Beowolf, the animated 3D version. When Angelina Jolie became (virtually) naked as Grendel's mother, a parent led about 5 children out of the theater. Sorry, I sympathise, but read first. I believe it was PG-17 for a reason, but it may have been R.


Comments are closed.