Staffing Announcement

Thanks to expanding revenues in 4th quarter 2014, we here at The Thinking Man’s Zombie have decided to bring in two new members of staff.  After thorough definition of job requirements and expectations, consultation with top search firms, and an exhaustive interview process, we are pleased to welcome our new staff general counsel, Helen Waite.  Helen joins us from LeStat Enterprises, where she served 10 years with distinction in the contracts area, eventually going on to lead that department since 2013.  Here at TMZ she will handle the full range of legal needs. She graduated from Mississippi State University, and after a summer vacation to Transylvania, earned her law degree from the University of Maine – Jerusalem’s Lot, taking classes only at night.

Joining us in May will be a brand new hire from Middle Tennessee State University, Miss Helen Hunt (no relation to the actress).  She is slated to graduate with a degree in business, and in addition to finishing her classes, she is also  the manager of the makeup counter at the local Belk department store.  This experience made her an excellent candidate for TMZ, as many of us could benefit from lessons in makeup.  Green and gray really suits nobody.  Miss Hunt will be our customer service manager.

So if you need someone to speak with about a problem or a complaint here at TMZ, go to Helen Hunt.

And if you have some legal problem you need addressed, go to Helen Waite.



…and if you want better jokes, hit the tip jar.


Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man's Zombie

61 thoughts on “Staffing Announcement”

    1. She's a very talented multi-tasker, Never seen anyone handle so many different cases, in so many different places, at once.

  1. Speaking of legal issues ...

    Don't hurry withdrawing that suit, William. No rush at all. If what I think is going to happen does, the lulz will be never-ending!

    Your comical attempt at serving Mr. Johnson showed us just how on top of things you are.

        1. That her name is now on documentation, William can no longer claim that she's done nothing to deserve our mockery or derision.

          In fact, the remaining third of Gail is actively participating in illegal and, frankly, borderline retarded service of a lulzsuit that her obese dolt of a beloved is simply too lazy to carry out for himself. He seemed healthy and willing enough to go to court every day, just not to go to the post office.

          Unless of course the entire purpose of Schmalfeldt v. Johnson, et al was to harass. And one can assume that the increasingly little missus knew that, too. .

    1. Who does the green card say mailed this package? Because the return address says it wasn't Bill, and wouldn't that be a violation of postal regulations if Bill's name was on the green card? I think we need to call the Postal Inspectors right away!

      1. According to the USPS a "return receipt" is requested by the person whose name appears on the return address of the package.

        "A mailer purchasing a return receipt after mailing will receive the delivery record [...] by mail."

        "Mail bearing a return receipt (Form 3811) must be endorsed "Return Receipt Requested" above the delivery address and to the right of the return address."

        So according to the picture posted by BS on his own twitter showing the refused package and green sticker next to the return address Gail Schmalfeldt attempted to serve Eric P. Johnson. That.... is going to open some big time legal problems.


        6.0 Return Receipt
        6.1 Basic Standards
        6.1.1 Description

        Return Receipt service is subject to the basic standards in 1.0; see 1.4.1 for eligible matter. A return receipt provides a mailer with evidence of delivery (to whom the mail was delivered and date of delivery), and information about the recipient’s actual delivery address. A mailer purchasing a return receipt at the time of mailing may choose to receive the return receipt by mail (Form 3811) or electronically (by email, or by signature extract file format under 7.0). A mailer purchasing a return receipt after mailing will receive the delivery record by email (electronic signature data) or by mail (Form 3811-A). A complete return address is required on the mailpiece when a return receipt is requested. For Priority Mail Express (Form 3811 option only), the return address on the Priority Mail Express label meets this requirement.

        6.1.3 Endorsement

        Mail bearing a return receipt (Form 3811) must be endorsed “Return Receipt Requested” above the delivery address and to the right of the return address. No endorsement is required on mail for which electronic return receipt service is requested.

        1. I believe that the Elkridge Esquire was just too lazy to wheel himself into a post office to mail it himself, so he got the woman who loses eight pounds every thirty five minutes to do it.

          There's some down-home romance and devotion for you.

      2. Great question, agiledog. It would be very interesting to know if the green card has the name Bill Schmalfeldt or Gail Schmalfeldt on it. Wonder why BS opted to leave that portion of the green card out of frame. *hmm*

        It sure appears as if some Zombies' long-held suspicions are being confirmed -- that BS's "beloved caretaker" not only fully supports, but is also a willing and active participant in BS's lawfare.

        Wonder if Mr. "I Never Run From Fights" Schmalfeldt will repost a full pic of that package with full view of that green card -- because if the name Gail Schmalfeldt is on it...

        Oopsie Poopsie.

    2. Hey BPO,

      Didn't I read somewhere that in TN, the law requires personal service?

      Askin' for a friend...

      1. I thought everybody knew that! When I was in Cookeville, it was definitely common knowledge that you have to spend the money for a process server in a civil suit, because in the Volunteer State, the Sheriffs don't do that sort of thing.

    3. Making you work for our lulz doesn't make Eric a coward, Blob. Endlessly running your big fat yap about your LOLsuit and then slinking away from it makes you one, though. If you want to run with the big dogs, you better...

      1. In fairness to William, we could be overlooking another motive. An autoerotic response to failure, perhaps. His entire life does seem to indicate that.

      2. So you are postulating that William obtains some kind of sexual gratification from failure? Hmmmm...looking back at what he himself has written about his life that seem plausible.

        1. It also suggests he's been having a 50 year long orgasm. (There ain't enough brain bleach in the world to get that thought out)


    I see William's stick on stupid.

    Even if Gail - who sent the package - was suing Mr. Johnson, it still wasn't served in accordance with Tennessee rules. I checked, which Schmalfeldt obviously didn't because he's lazy and crazy.

    I just wonder how much weight she lost on the trip to and from the post office.

      1. Kyle in Florida really ought to be brought up to speed on what William has been saying about him this last year or so. It would be the only right and fair thing to do, wouldn't it.

      1. I want to have your babies. Errrr...I want you to have my babies. Errrr...please ask you husband not to beat me. 🙂

  3. RICO madness go bye bye

    TDBK haz a sad AND no sleepovers.

    1. And, the sawed-off, Domestic Terrorist Brett "The Speedway Bomber" Kimberlin's deranged and cyberstalking "reporter" Bill Schmalfeldt -- who desperately tried to inject his fat, mouthy ass into the RICO Madness, and libelously called the defendants RICO Racketeers numerous times -- has predictably been rendered mute.

      Typical Bill.

      1. He's likely furiously throttling his withered and useless crank to the thought of how ridiculous he looks.

        Oh, and he's also relentlessly pounding that F5 button whilst ignoring the remaining third of his wife.

        30 more days until William's criminal trial in Carroll County.

  4. And if you need a ride somewhere, go to Helen Wheels.

  5. And then - the waves parted, ad the skies rolled back, another vexy suit - just lost its wings

  6. I would think that this vindication may very well lead to real lawsuits against the Wednesday Graduate - hope he can find a good atttorney

    1. But I thought he was indigent? I know you can get a court appointed defense attorney if you are facing criminal charges, but do they do anything for civil issues?

      1. In fairness, zombies are soul-less corpses. I on the other hand am a dis-embodied spirit of intellect and mirth; completely incapable of attending anything.

  7. Awww. Biwwy haz a sad over his fwend Bwett's court order.


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