Nothing. We Have Learned Nothing. That's What We Have Learned Here.

Actually, that’s not quite true.  I did learn that brevity is the soul of wit.

Silly me, I thought the soul of wit was to be, you know, FUNNY.

So, for the benefit of the slow, lazy F5 reader out there… FUCK YOU, YOU PATHETIC DROOLING IDIOT.

Brief enough for ya?

For the rest of you, the truly good stuff that flies over his head is after the jump.

We (the audience and I) have learned – well, I learned, the audience has understood from the very beginning – that every lawsuit ever filed or to be filed against WJJ HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!! III is doomed to failure because everything proceeds as he has foreseen. He foresees the law.  He foresees the facts. He foresees the failure of my arguments and the dreadful rhetoric of my pleadings. And he is not alone.

We (the audience and I) have learned that I am a Dreadful Pro-Se (and a dreadful writer, don’t forget about that…trying to affect the royal “WE?”  Seriously?  Could we (ROYAL “WE”) be more pretentious?) who are rightfully disdained by humanity for our many crimes against humanity and for our efforts to deflect attention from our evil deeds and those of Team Kimberlin by attempting so very unsuccessfully to identify the people who would hide behind the veil of anonymity to cause our butthurt. It is not the pain of the butthurt that concerns us, it is the evil of the person upon whom the butthurt lands, like a flaming projectile from an ancient trebuchet, as they attempt to rebuild the “sterling reputation” (HA! HA!HA!HA!)  they spent the last several years destroying while also continuing their mammoth, never-ending faildox enterprise under the guise of protecting themselves and their family from the butthurt that would soon cease if only they would shut the fuck up and leave WJJ HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLOOOOOGE!!! III and his friends alone.

(See how quickly the royal “we” goes straight to shit?  We should cut it right the fuck out forever.  But we won’t.)

It could be too late for that, though.

We (the audience and I) have learned that we are not worthy, nor legally permitted, to offer assistance to the wife of an enemy. Because the letter of the law, the filing of a truly horseshit (AAAAAAUGH!!  HORSESHIT!!  SOMEONE MAILED US A TUB OF VILE, FILTHY HORSESHIT!!  THAT WE FORCED OUR BELOVED WIFE TO OPEN!!!  IT MADE US CRY!!!  WHO SENT IT???  WAS IT MATT OSBORNE??  WEE WILLY FEE FEE (aka TURD) FERGUSON??  THEY KNOW ALL ABOUT THE “GIFTS” WE HAVE RECEIVED…IT MUST BE THEM!!! OR MAYBERRYVILLE, OR WJJ HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!! III, OR HOWARD EARL, OR SILLY JILLY GILLY, OR “KREEEEEEENDLEEEEEEER!!!” OR ANY OF THE DOZENS OF LICKSPITTLES WHO LAUGH AT US EVERY DAY) lawsuit, the filing of an IPF motion begging to be allowed to sue these fools without having to break into our “beloved’s” savings account for a filing fee, of a properly adjudicated peace order, the hearing for which we foolishly determined we did not need to attend because LAW AM NOT LAW, SHMAWFELT AM LAW!, is more important than the life of our wife. (Did we mention we have terminal scleroderma and she has STAGE ELEVENTYSEVEN PARKINSON’S DISEASE?  If we have, we don’t remember) 

“Sure, Mrs. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!!, you have cancer. But I have a PEACE ORDER!”

We turn to the words of the Scottish Poet Robert Burns in his 1786 tome (a tome is defined as a large, thick book…we think we really mean pome, for two reasons: first, because the following excerpt is from a work just eight short stanzas long, and second, we can’t spell “pome” if you spot us the P,O and E), “To A Louse: On Seeing One On A Lady’s Bonnet In Church.”

O wad some Pow’r the giftie gie us
To see oursels as ithers see us!

When we drain the Scotch from that verse we end up with:


But what this verse really says is:

We wish for a power to give us this gift: Being able to see ourselves the way other people see us.

Fine poet, Robert Burns. Good cigars, too, at one time.  But that’s a scary damn thought – “to see ourselves as others see us?”  You mean, outside of our carefully constructed fantasy and in the cold, harsh light of reality?


And a very appropriate title to the poem. “Ode to a Louse.” Who is the louse? Is it WJJ HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!! III, who couldn’t even wait 24 hours before filing a criminal charge (STATE’S ATTORNEY & POLICE AM NOT STATE’S ATTORNEY & POLICE.  HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!! AM STATE’S ATTORNEY AND POLICE!!) for the three hundred sixty-eighth (368th) time against a DYYYYYING man who had just willfully chosen between staying safe and silent and within the law, and recklessly, stupidly, insanely, with malice and forethought and mayonnaise stained hands violating a peace order by offering ultimately useless information, which is the only kind of information we can offer?

No. The louse is us. Ask anyone. They’ll tell you that Mrs. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!!’s cancer is all about US!

WE WE WE WE WE!  (all the way home!)

We saw it me oppratoonity (HULK SMASH!!!!) to fail once again to proofread.  We also saw a genuine opportunity to BOTHER Hoge in the tranquility of his palatial manse (how we wish we had even a humble abode, twelve to fifteen levels of quality higher than the rattletrap tin can that we would never be able to sell to pay the filing fees for LULZsuit 2: Electric Boogaloo!)  to offier information that might even lead to a PHONE CALL, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!, but nothing nearly so dramatic as the possibility of saving his wife’s life through our direct and HEEROIC EFFORTS, depending on the staging of the cancer. We wanted to take HER cancer and make it all about WE WE WE WE, because no way anyone will ever look at a living, healthy Mrs. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!! again and not thank the Demented Cyberstalking Freak known as  Brave Sir William of Skirtsflap, Lord High Duke of Co*ksnogging and the Seventh Earl of Bu**sex – who sat in wait, lurking the shadows, waiting for this opportunity to ruin HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!!’s domestic tranquility by offering deeply unnecessary, absolutely useless and completely unwanted assistance to his wife. His love for the woman is awe-inspiring – who wouldn’t want to protect his wife from unwanted contact by such a deeply disturbed individual such as ourselves? Oh, he keeps up appearances by not mentioning the reason this MENTAL DEFECTIVE broke the peace order by writing an e-mail to him, the e-mail that followed the “forged” letter that the MENTAL DEFECTIVE had sent in the mail.  Clearly, the e-mail caused him distraction from his wife’s cancer, which was exactly our intent. Just look at the way he keeps his private life to himself instead of blogging and tweeting complaints of butthurt all day every day the way we do.  Look at how he fails utterly to share every detail of their lives online, every trip to the store, every runaway dog, every faceplant caused by stress exacerbated by HORSESHIT!!  See how he never refers to his wife except to assure his audience that, despite spending 14 hours of every day madly refreshing his Google Alerts, enemies’ blogs and Twitter timelines looking for a nice Jewish girl to dox, and the other 10 hours sleeping, that she is his “beloved.”

Oh, wait…that’s us.

Hi.  We are Bill, and we are an over-sharer.

Hi, Bill!

We are sure HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!! writes glorious words about her, even love letters, in the privacy of his home.  We’ll never know for certain.  The closest we will ever get to his home is the Carroll County Jail.  He certainly doesn’t write much about her on his blog.  Perhaps she doesn’t want her personal life splashed all over the internet and made a source of ridicule and scorn the way our “beloved” insists that we do at every turn.  No, his blog is for hating demented cyberstalking freaks, and for calling us names, and for publishing pictures of us as a malicious, mendacious, maniacal, malevolent, malcontent, merciless manatee.

What we did by breaking the peace order was a plain, simple, indisputable violation of black letter law.  Only an idiot would do something so stupid, so we did.  We were compelled to do so by some mysterious force…it must have been HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!! who made us do it by giving his wife cancer.  That’s like attempted murder, isn’t it?  Who do we think we are, pretending to offer useless information gained during six years of make-work employment at the finest government-funded medical research facility in the world, asking pre-fabricated softball questions of scientists of world renown, failing to understand word one of the answers, pretending to make friends of folks like Dr. Anthony Fauci at the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases who we just called at work and were ever-so polite!  We were chatting quite amicably with him until we mentioned our name and asked if it rang a bell with him. There was a pause, followed by…

“Uh, no?” 

CLICK!! (stupid bastard!)

We also remember chatting with Dr. Ezekiel Emmanuel (who is such a great pal’o’mine that I can’t spell his last name correctly…but then, I have trouble with my own sometimes, too, especially in legal documents) during his time as the head of the office of medical ethics at the NIH Clinical Center.  He confused me.  Isn’t ethics about threatening people to get them to tell you things you really have no right to know?  He always told me he “didn’t understand my question, and why don’t you just go back to your desk now, Mr. – what did you say your name was?”

Where do we get off trying to intrude into the life of this family to offer our unsolicited, criminal assistance, just because we happened to occupy quite a lot of space in an office that coordinates getting participants for clinical trials and our really very most superficial acquaintance with a guy who might know another guy whose sister’s brother-in-law’s nephew’s girlfriend’s father with the gimpy leg and the huge goat-shaped birthmark over his eye who might — might — score some medical grade morphine at a 5% discount to deal with pain should Mr. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!! decide he loved his wife enough to get her addicted to drugs.  Our “beloved” takes some pill or other when she gets home every morning, but we don’t know what it is.  She controls the coin purse with our little shriveled BBs in it, still under the gum wrappers and pocket lint.  Getting someone medication without a prescription isn’t CRIMINAL, is it?  No!  It’s just being nice.  Well, not yet, technically, because HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!! never responded to my offer of help.  He turned it over to the Carroll County State’s Attorney, who has to decide first if they want to prosecute (heads, they win…tails, we lose) these horrible things (this is the payoff for the royal “we”) for sending an email, with links, that the HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!!s could use to get information from the brightest medical minds that we could come up with as an excuse to violate the peace order, upset his life and court prison while trying to paint ourselves as the VICTIM HERE, BECAUSE YES, IT’S ALL ABOUT WE WE WE  WE WE (all the way home).

We are bitterly ashamed of ourselves.  We are…wait for it…wait for it…not amused (you knew it was coming, right?  Sure you did). What were we thinking (other than that this was a perfect opportunity to violate the peace order with no valid reason for doing so, while painting HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!!’s certain dismissal of our clear bad-faith offer of help as a dick move even greater than our own gigantic dick move – and truly, there is no other context where those two words belong together in reference to us – of sending the email in the first place.  The perception that we hold Mrs. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!!’s life in higher regard than our own freedom is more important than making sure that our own beloved is cared for in her rapidly advancing dotage)?

But we’ve learned our lesson. We will never again offer unsolicited assistance to a person who holds a Peace Order over us, a Peace Order that was legitimately adjudicated thanks to our monumental stupidity, a Peace Order, like all the others, gained through entirely legal means.  We could get Peace Orders against people, too, if we weren’t so afraid of being confronted by our accusers that we run for the hills with skirts a-flapping in the breeze like the sniveling, sandy-pussed cowards we are.

We will continue to pray for Mrs. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!! to be quickly delivered from the debilitating disease that her villainous spouse has infected her with.  We also pray for a similar deliverance from the man himself.  We have that prayer memorized from hearing our “beloved” whisper it each night through the wall between the bedroom and the living room where she actually sleeps…say, did we mention that our name is Bill, and we are an over-sharer?

Hi, Bill!!

But we have learned.

If we should happen to be in downtown Baltimore at the same time as Mr. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!! as he crosses the street against the light with a FedEx truck barreling down on him, we shall remain true to the letter of the peace order and shout no warning, nor make any effort to shove him out of the way of the speeding truck that will, doubtless, spread his internal organs for half a city block.

Sweaty-Palmed Happy Place – ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED!

If we shouted, “Look Out!” that would be a violation of the “no contact” order. And if we pushed him out of the way, no doubt this upright, decent man, who can love his wife AND help her battle a life-threatening illness AND be a quantum mechanic AND be a prolific blogger with a devoted following AND protect her from demented cyberstakling freaks like us because multitasking LIKE A BOSS VIKING is an actual thing, would seek to have us charged with assault in addition to violating the Peace Order.

“Fool us once…” as they say…

Nah… fool you !!1!!!11!ELEVENTYSEVENTHOUSAND1!!1!1ONE11!! times is more like it, Doctor Dickdento Maury 15.

You pathetic, drooling idiot.

Best of luck with the new LULZsuit, chump!


Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man's Zombie

55 thoughts on “Nothing. We Have Learned Nothing. That's What We Have Learned Here.”

  1. Fuck you, Bill Schmafeldt.

    I've heard you're donating your body to science, so you'll have no grave.

    I've no doubt that's because you realize that the only emotion that will be felt by anyone when they hear of your demise is RELIEF AND HILARITY... And that any monument to the monumental crime against the laws of God and Man that was your life would be nothing more than a focus for ridicule and a vessel for desecration.

    But don't worry, Bill. We've got your back.

    Because a life such as yours [ending] deserves to be CELEBRATED.

    When you finally croak, I shall organize a collection for a nice headstone. We'll suggest appropriate epitaphs, and vote for the winner.

    I shall arrange a final resting place, on private land. Remember, since we're not actually burying any remains, the headstone is just a piece of rock. A coffin is just a box.

    And on that private plot of land, the sole tangible remnant of your sad and failed life shall be our monument to WILLIAM M SCHMALFELDT SR.

    My suggestion for the epitaph:

    Here Lies William M Schmalfeldt, Sr.
    Justice is for the Hoges of the World.
    Not for Me.
    This is my final post.

    What shall be interred in the grave? What ceremonies, what UNHOLY RITES shall be performed? Don't worry, we'll figure something out. And record it. And place it on the Internet, for the entire world to see.

    And, unlike Bill Schmalfeldt... The Internet is FOREVER.

    Fuck you, Bill Schmafeldt.

    1. Just the thought makes me wish HOOOOOOOOOOOGE!!! was killing him faster. Sadly, that fucker isn't even competent at dying.

  2. I don't know what the background is other than what I just read, but that's a fucking epic rant. 🙂

  3. Memento Maury @MementoMaury15 · 22m 22 minutes ago

    So please keep your contact with me civil and non-defamatory and there will be no unpleasantness.

    Memento Maury @MementoMaury15 · 22m 22 minutes ago

    I will just advise all who might want to attack that there is officially a lawsuit on the books, I am able to add defendants, and will.

    Fuck off Willy.

    1. Bill Schmalfeldt can fuck himself with a semi trailer.

      Nobody owes him civility, and his demanding such is just another example of his insufferable sense of entitlement.

      Of course, few if any are actually CONTACTING Bill Schmalfeldt. If the fucker wasn't pounding on F5 24/7, he wouldn't be so butthurt.

      Bill Schmalfeldt's life is not our fault. Bill Schmalfeldt couldn't identify the difference between legal free speech and defamation if his foot-longs and fro-yo depended upon it.

      As for unpleasantness... Doesn't Bill Schmalfeldt have a civil ruling and a criminal court date hanging over his dick-dented head?

      Well, it's not like we don't already know good and well that it sucks to be Bill Schmalfeldt.

      1. Disturbingly(and unsurprisingly), the semi trailer would most likely Not be a snug fit.

        Yay! I get to join in on the 'butt stuff' too!

    2. Go fuck yourself Willy. Fuck you in the piehole. Just you TRY to come and find me you fat fuck. And see how you like it. Because you won't.

  4. And he does his usual #ReadingComprehensionFail, but going on about how I'm wrong because the judge ruled that the plaintiff could file in his county. What I said was that if Bill had been so upset by that, because it was only just and fair according to ACME law for the plaintiff to go to the defendant, it was surprising that he had filed in his own home court. I will admit to more than a little surprise to see that he actually took a judge's ruling to heart when it contradicted ACME law. Though I'm guessing that is about all he learned from that particular hearing.

  5. Memento Maury @MementoMaury15 · 2m 2 minutes ago
    @EstablishmentCH @EWErickson I assure you Erickson knows everything he WANTS to know about Akbar.

    Memento Maury retweeted
    Establishment CH @EstablishmentCH · 9m 9 minutes ago
    Sure hope @EWErickson is aware of the background of the #BlogBash organizer who’s giving him an award. … #CPAC2015/

    You mean like how he set off bombs and blew a guys leg off, leading to his suicide???

    That guy?


    1. I guess allegedly wanting to fellate Karl Rove is somehow worse than setting off bombs to distract from the murder of someone you allegedly ordered killed that blew a guy's leg off leading to his suicide. Who knew that being homosexual was worse than that? How Strange.

  6. Memento Maury @MementoMaury15 · 3m 3 minutes ago

    When my wife had her cancer surgery, I stayed in a downtown B'more hotel within walking distance until she could come home. Sweet Jesus!!!

    You know why you did that Willy? Because you are all about USELESS GESTURES.



  7. Memento Maury @MementoMaury15 · 9m 9 minutes ago

    I know I'm talking out of my ass here, but researching primary bone cancer of the spine in older adults, that is, bone cancer that starts...

    Willy, you're a fucking ghoul.

    And you aren't even a bad doctor. But keep studying at Google U., you mook.

      1. For that to work, she'd need to bypass the circuit breakers, go straight to the pole, and use a very heavy gauge wire, plus make sure Bill is holding a proper earth ground in his hand - perhaps one could insert it into a hotdog-with-mayo to ensure he's gripping it tightly.

        The electrical systems in those crappy old trailers are marginal.

    1. Now. Now. Let's not knock Google U too hard, Perry. One can actually learn many, many interesting facts on Google with regards to different types of cancers and their causes.

      For example:

      Did y'all know that there are such things as Human Papillomaviruses (HPV)? Why, yes. Yes, there are. They are a type of infection that can cause warts in various parts of the body (depending on the strain), and can actually lead to DIFFERENT TYPES OF CANCERS.

      Like... say... um... CERVICAL CANCER. Cervical Cancer HPV types are associated with genital infections, and are SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED. The chance of getting HPV rises with certain risk factors like:

      1) The NUMBER of sexual partners (risk increases with MORE AND MORE partners); and/or,
      2) Women who are sexually active with MEN WHO HAVE OTHER PARTNERS AT THE SAME TIME.

      Interesting, huh? I'm here to tell ya -- Google is FULL of facts and findings. Oh. And, looky here! There's more:

      HPV can also be spread through ORAL SEX -- which could lead to such cancers as say... um... OROPHARYNGEAL CANCER (Example: Mildly Differential Squamous Cell Carcinoma of the Oropharynx).

      And, what is Oropharyngeal Cancer? Well... unlike most tobacco-related head and neck tumors, patients with oropharyngeal carcinoma (including cases like... say... Mildly Differential Squamous Cell) usually do not have a history of tobacco or alcohol use. INSTEAD, their tumors are positive for oncogenic forms of the human papillomavirus (HPV), particularly TYPE 16. About 60% of oropharyngeal squamous cell cancers in the USA are positive for HPV 16.

      And, what is HPV 16, you ask? Well, another gander at the ever-so-helpful Google explains it this way:

      High-risk HPV types are detected in 99% of cervical cancers. Type 16 is the cause of approximately 70% of cervical cancers, and approximately 60% of oropharyngeal cancers (you know -- like Mildly Differential Squamous Cell Carcinoma of the Oropharynx and such).

      Bottomline: In addition to CERVICAL CANCER, there is also an association of sexually-transmitted, genital types of HPV with non-genital cancers such as ORAL CAVITY AND PHARYNGEAL CANCERS.

      Fascinating. Just fascinating. Albeit, I'd wager we could all agree that one must be very cautious as to avoid reading too much into just a few simple Google searches and hits.

      Well, I'm off. For some reason, I'm all of a sudden interested to see what Google U has to say about KARMA.

      Be well.

      1. Truck stop, wet day, he's there, I say
        Please share my old lady
        Truck stop, she goes down and things grow
        Inside my old lady

        All that summer we enjoyed them
        Men with ones and fives
        That deep throat, well, we employed it
        Sometimes just for a dime

      2. I don't admit error lightly, but I'd have sworn the simple factual recitation of risk factors for cancer could not make me laugh out loud.


    The tedious asshole Bill Schmalfeldt's speculation is useless, and his "insight" is worthless. He has nothing to offer, and knows as well as we do that this is just another in a long line of pathetic excuses to continue stalking and harassing Mr. Hoge.

    You'd think that, confronted with the likelihood of a serious fine and/or jail time, Bill Schmalfeldt would quit fucking around. The fact he won't, reinforces my opinion that he should be shown no mercy when the grindstones of justice finally roll around to him.

    Murum aries attigit, bitch.

      1. Sorry Nil, just felt that the sentiment was very appropriate. Nothing will remain unpunished.

    1. Michale Malone was always civil and non-defamatory, and Bill got really unpleasant there too, didn't he? I think BS's definitions of "civil" and "no unpleasantness" can only be greeted with Inigo Montoya's "I do not think that word means what you think it means".

      I see he's protected his twitter feed again, so we can't read his cutting edge political commentary about how you can see the stupid in some people's eyes. He should realize that's not the only thing that can be seen in others' eyes, though maybe he did, and that's why he suddenly dropped out of view. (Given that the browser I tend to use to view twitter has suddenly quit working his feed may still be there, or else my browser committed suicide from having to read his prevarications.)

      1. Say, Grady was very polite too with his two sentence comment. You see how that ended up....


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