Mommy Mayor Piercy,
I’ve never been to your fine city, but I’ve read awfully nice things about it. In fact, it’s one of the few places that I haven’t worked, which is why I have no pension or 401K. And I have Parkinson’s Disease, which you’ll be hearing a lot about in my letter to you.
I write to you this morning because it appears that you have a trash collection problem. For years, I’ve been viciously stalked and defamed by one of your constituents, a Facebook friend of yours by the name of Dan Foreman! Please refer to the attached charts that lay out my investigative process in detail. You’ll be as convinced as I am. I’m actually probably entirely wrong, but let’s pretend that I’m not for the moment.
I’m a war hero with Stage XLVIII Parkinsons. I can’t work, walk or even drive car. I haven’t made sweet, sweet love to my wife since the mid to late aughts. The dementia is now so bad that I forget that I’m demented and start investigating the evil stalkers who call me demented, which is how you came to my attention.
Foreman, who is your best friend in the whole world, even impersonated my COUSIN for several years. My noted legal scholarship, along with that guy on AVVO, the one who doesn’t think I’m a crazed turd, informs me that this is a felony. A felony that you abet through City Hall!
Do you know why he and a cabal of right-wing thugs are persecuting, hounding and bullying me like they did to esteemed Professor Deb Frisch, Ms. Piercy. They’re doing it because I have a most excellent friend who just happened to repeatedly bomb a small town in Indiana in the 1970s, which was a long time ago. And he’s a good Democrat now, just like you and me! Except I’m a disabled veteran with Parkinson’s who only drops bombs in my pants, and I don’t think you spend all day cursing at a computer monitor.
But I demand that the bullying stop! I’ve had enough! ENOUGH, I say! I want “Cousin Roy” to grab his ankles, and you can make Foreman do it! I found him. Now you must finish him!
You don’t want you city taken away, do you, Your Honor? I don’t want to have to do it, but I will. I will issue a press release and make a video telling everyone the truth about you, “Cousin Leroy” and all of Eugene! I may even write 12 books about it! It WILL be worse than Watergate. Your name will forever be tied with shame in history, Kitty!
You might be asking, “What does this fine, disabled veteran want?”
I want it ALL, Kitty! I want you to send Dan to me. Strip him of his citizenship and send him to my trailer. And most importantly, unfriend him on Facebook this instant! There will be dire consequences for you if I don’t have evidence that you have done these things by close of business, eastern time! Tomorrow I send everything I have to the
William M. Schmalfeldt,