Our Lady of Perpetual Butthurt…pray for us!

I have a 25-page blueprint for a perpetual motion machine and eight museum exhibits,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Fiiiiiive gooooolden rings!
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree!

currently in the mail to be delivered to my special Christmas Cookie, WJJ Hoge III, tomorrow, and my other special Christmas Cookie, the Mysterious Midnight Janitor/Christmas Eve Clerk of the Circuit Court of Carroll County, Maryland, on Monday. As soon as I see on the USPS Inspector General’s website that Hoge or the court have their copies, I will make it public for another three week odyssey of pointage, laughery and epic mockeration.

Here’s where we stand. Well, sit. If we’re going to be accurate about it. On January 30, I have to be transported the 45 miles to Carroll County Circuit Court, with a forklift and a flatbed truck, to receive an ass-whupping from a judge.

This is a “show my ass” hearing so I can humiliate myself once more before a judge while trying to explain why I should not be held in contempt of court for violating the “no contact” portion of Hoge’s ill-gotten peace order against me. I say “ill-gotten” because it’s just so embarrassing to admit that I failed to follow through and check the court calendar to see that the appeal hearing was still on the docket. That would require me to admit that something was my fault, and as a 60 year old man who has never before taken responsibility for anything I’ve done in my life, I can tell you I’m not about to start now.

Did I call him at his home and swear at him? No. My wife took the phone and hung it up before the call went through.

Did I write him a nasty letter? Yes. Did my wife mail it? No. I think she fed it to the dogs.

Did I send him an e-mail? No. Well…not recently.

Did I hire a sound truck and drive around the streets if Winchester playing the “Hoge is a Senile Cocksucker” song? No. I could only afford the wind-up fire truck for fifteen minutes, and it wasn’t loud enough anyway. Which really sucks because it’s a catchy little tune.

I linked to his blog. Because Mrs. BM was out of the house and I’m a pathetic idiot with no self control or internal editor.

Yep. That’s the crime. I contacted the man by mistake when I did something that instructed a website to send him an email. That’s the reason why I have to be hauled out of my house by a forklift on January 30 in the coldest part of the Winter, strapped to a flatbed and trucked to Westminster because I wrote a blog entry that contained a link to Hoge’s blog, which I wouldn’t bother reading in the first place if it wasn’t for the squirrels whispering at me from the trees outside. They make me do it. They say they will sneak in the house and pee in the mayonnaise if I don’t do as they tell me. They scare me.

You’re blinking your eyes in disbelief, right?

Why in God’s name is this queer (BUTT STUFF ALARM ACTIVATED!!) old man requiring this blogger who can’t even sit up straight in his chair, this man with Stage IV Parkinson’s disease who requires assistance to walk. (…to do what?) This man who hasn’t driven a car since 2009. (…to do WHAT?) This man who had to retire from a very well-paying job in 2001 and now lives basically on Social Security. (TO DO WHAT, GODDAMMIT?!?!) This man who chokes on his food and drink, who cannot stand up long enough to brush his teeth without horrible pain in his back, who sits slouched over in his wheelchair with ungodly pain shooting down his right arm and a numb right hand from 59 years and 3 months of touching the hot stove and sticking forks into electric outlets every single day, and this is at his most comfortable? (ALL RIGHT, ALREADY!! ENOUGH ABOUT THIS FUCKING MAN!! TELL US WHAT THE QUEER -teeheehee! – OLD MAN IS REQUIRING HIM TO DO!!) This man who reacts to cold weather by locking up and falling. (OH, JESUS H. CHRIST, YOU’RE LEAVING THE READER HANGING? YOU COCKTEASER, YOU!! NO WONDER YOU WERE SO POPULAR IN THE NAVY. BASTARD. FINISH THE FUCKING SENTENCE, YOU BRILLIANT WRITER.)

The reason this old man is doing this? Because I have a WordPress blog (that I used to violate the peace order). And when I posted something about how Hoge had copied something from MY blog and posted it on HIS, I included a link to his blog, which is something I do about as often as I forget to turn on the stove and burn myself. This extraordinarily rare link I posted caused the WordPress program to automatically — with no input from me except for a blog link that I put in a post because the whispering squirrels made me do it— send Hoge an e-mail notifying him that my blog had magically and without any reason whatsoever mentioned his blog. “Honest, officer, the gun jumped off the table, loaded itself, flipped off its own safety fell into my lap and used my finger to pull its trigger and shoot through the walls of the trailer into window across the street where it killed that six-year old watching SpongeBob. And why wasn’t she in school anyway? Saturday? What does that have to do with anything?” To most people, this is a reason to smile, or so I’ve been told. “Oh, I got a ping back!” (Weird. I never thought I’d have a reason to use that sentence.) According to what I have read, the recipient is given the opportunity to accept the ping back, at which time a small notice will appear in the comments section of the URL that was linked to. Or, if a person doesn’t want to post the ping back, he has the opportunity to delete it and never see it again. But I don’t know if it really works like that because I’ve never gotten a ping back myself.

Hoge chose to accept the ping back and have it posted on his blog. His doing, not mine. All I did was post the link that started the whole chain of events in motion.

Then, #vindictive he #mendacious charged #vexatious me #loquatious with #precocious violating #Locutus his #bodacious peace #delicious order. #supercalifagilisticexpialidocious

I am a simple unfrozen caveman blogger. Your WordPress ways are strange and confusing. With my Parkinson’s disease, I forget things…like…pants. Sometimes I will take my evening pills, then put my pants in the refrigerator. I NOW know that a person can disable his blog’s ping back function, after using WordPress for several years. But that means nobody would ever receive a ping back from this blog ever again, leaving me with a lifetime total of one. This would be a permanent thing, because as long as that blog post linking to Hoge’s blog exists on my blog, even if it’s off the front page, if I ever restart the ping back function, WordPress will automatically search for links, find the link to Hoge, and send him an e-mail. So we’re talking forever, like three or four weeks until I delete this blog and reset for the 873rd time in three years.

So why would he do this? Why would he press for a contempt citation over a contact that I made that was clearly NOT contact, and could only be considered contact by idiotic TROLLS that until recently no longer existed after I wished them into the cornfield? Was he alarmed, annoyed or frightened by the ping back? Does it matter? It doesn’t seem so. All he seems concerned about is whether I have AGAIN violated an ill-gotten peace order that he wouldn’t have gotten if I hadn’t been ill. And also an idiot who failed to check and see that the appeal hearing was still on the docket. He seems to be enjoying the result. I guess if our roles were reversed, I would be enjoying it too.

He says, and I quote him from his “Blogsmoke” blog entry tonight – which “is a work of fiction. Anyone who feels it might be about him should read Proverbs 28:1,” whatever that is – (though I dare not link to it):

I’m not the vexatious litigant in this scenario. And the game’s not over yet. As I said, that cyberthug has violated the current peace order. As a result of my petition, he’s been ordered to show cause why he shouldn’t be found to be in contempt of court. While I haven’t asked for jail as a sanction, it’s on the judge’s list of options.

I guess if HE’s not the vexatious litigant in this scenario, then I must be. I am vexatious, and vindictive, and mendacious, and lying, and smelly, and ugly, and stupid, and un-self aware, and vile, and atrocious, and a fool, one supposes, for daring to believe that I can sufficiently warp reality enough to come up with an even marginally cogent legal theory to defend myself against this charge, of which I am obviously, ludicrously guilty…if you live in the real world, anyway. Tomorrow, you will see the basic idiocy of my defense.

I do not expect to prevail (cuz I’m GUILTY – ssshhhh). In fact, I would be shocked if I did (cuz I’m GUILTY). I fully expect that this particular judge will throw the book at me and put my crippled ass in jail (because I’m – everybody sing it – GUIIIIIILTEEEEEE!!!!!).

I couldn’t make him understand that to the civilized world OUTSIDE the Carroll County Courthouse, Twitter is not considered direct communication. I told him he was a fool. In the Federal case of US v. Cassidy, the wise judge who agrees with me declared Twitter to be a “bulletin board” that the reader can peruse or ignore as he likes. The idiot judge who doesn’t understand the plain, simple, profanity-and-insult-laced dialect of English that I use rejected that argument. He foolishly rejected the learned state attorney general’s opinion (which I agree with, so it MUST be correct) that Twitter is not a vehicle for harassment under state law. The dimwitted dingleberry on the bench called that, “just another lawyer’s opinion.” As if a lawyer’s opinion doesn’t carry the same FORCE OF LAW that his ruling does. So I don’t really think I am going to score a victory on the road with a referee who has admitted from the bench that he does not understand the rules of the game he has been asked to referee.

I wrote that, and even I don’t understand it!

I expect I will be heavily fined and/or jailed.

If I get to Westminster without a side-trip to an emergency room, which is sure to happen because I have so thoroughly telegraphed that I now MUST fall and break something, if only to have some other new and pointless disaster of my own making to blame HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGE!! for.

Which is really what I want to talk about – that rat-bastard Hoge manipulating me into sending him a ping back so that he could file a petition that would result in Carroll County scheduling a hearing that forces me out of my warm, comfy hovel into the freezing heart of winter while I have late stage ELEVENTY Parkinson’s Stress Exacerbation Disorder that makes my shivering pee hole squirt all the gritty sand out of my giant mangina and get stains all over the front of my very best big girl panties.

The website Viartis (which, I assume, will not mind being linked to, because I haven’t stalked or harassed them…but it’s still early in the day and you never know) has a simple explanation for the effect of cold weather and stress on PD.

Cold temperature can cause symptoms identical to those of Parkinson’s Disease including rigidity, loss or lessening of physical movement and tremor, either by being in a cold place, in cold water or by consuming cold drinks. Shivering is simply a cold temperature tremor. That is very probably why people with Parkinson’s Disease can tend towards increased symptoms during colder weather. The effect of the cold temperature is adding to the symptoms that they already have.

Stress can cause the symptoms of Parkinson’s Disease in somebody that doesn’t have it, and exacerbate the symptoms in somebody that does. This is because stress causes the formation of adrenaline, which increases acteylcholine, which increases muscle contraction – the primary symptom in Parkinson’s Disease. This is why even people that don’t have Parkinson’s Disease can get stiffened muscles when they are stressed, and even shake with fear, as if they had tremor. What the body does in response to this is produce dopamine, because dopamine reduces excessive muscle contraction. Somebody with Parkinson’s Disease can not produce sufficient dopamine, which is why the muscles contract excessively in Parkinson’s Disease regardless of whether or not somebody is stressed. So stress is not a “cause” of Parkinson’s Disease in that on its own it can not perpetuate the symptoms long term.

I like Viartis. It doesn’t really help in the bedroom anymore but I like the way it turns everything that bluish color. They’ve said kind things about my books in the past, direct from the press releases that I emailed them.

Does Hoge know this? Is he aware of this fact? Of course he is. The whispering squirrels report that he reads Viagratis every single day. Why else are the readers to his blog cheering for extremely cold weather to shrink my testicles to the size of BBs on January 30?

I’ve written about this. Last year, my stepson bought a new car. I went outside with my wife’s help to take a look at it. It was cold and the wind was cutting right through my skirts and making my mangina whistle. I got to the car, but then could not move, except for a flexing of my knees that I call “bouncing”. It looks like this:

My wife tried to help me, but all I could do was fall. It took her holding one side and her son holding the other to get me back in the house where I sat immobile in my recliner for nearly a half hour.

And that was a year ago.

This would seem to be the desired end of Hoge’s actions here, if he had not already clearly communicated that he wished I would STOP CONTACTING HIM. I honestly believe Hoge meant what he said at our Copyright Agreement settlement conference. After many years in the Navy and many more in journalism (or whatever you want to call being a deejay/program director at a rural radio station with a peak drive time audience of 12 listeners), I’ve gotten pretty good at being able to tell when someone is blowing something sticky up my ass. This is from page 266 of my book “Animus Nocendi,” the story I copy/pasted about the whole copyright infringement case from last summer. The narrative picks up right after Hoge and I signed the agreement and he told me he was not going to pursue the appeal of the District Court’s denial of his latest Peace Order attempt as long as I behaved myself and didn’t give him a reason to change his mind, such as creating another cut/paste masturbpiece like “Animus Nocendi.”

He seemed warm and genuine. He was a person that I honestly believed I might form a friendship with, if I lived long enough to successfully navigate the decade or so of aggressive psychotherapy required to make me a reasonably decent person to be around and not the blazing hemorrhoid I am today. For the first few days after the settlement Hoge was as true as his word. He told his readers to leave me alone. I believed him. I had no reason to believe that he would double cross me. I left him alone, to the best of my knowledge. That is to say, I don’t recall saying anything to him or about him that he would find overly offensive. I just went on my merry way, crafting another bullshit narrative about Hoge and Kreeeeeeeendleeeeeer that gave Hoge reason enough four times over to continue with his appeal of the peace order.

On August 27, the day set for the DeNovo Appeal hearing, still believing that Hoge was foolish enough to take me at my word and not pay any attention to what I was actually doing, I went to a neurology appointment. Hoge went to the Carroll County Circuit Court where I was declared a “no show” because I didn’t show up, and he was given an uncontested, well-deserved peace order.

I think I understand why he did this, and why he didn’t alert me that he had changed his mind – it was not his responsibility or obligation to do so. I don’t think this was the original plan. But Hoge is led around on a string by Aaron Walker, the Mooslim hater who blames Brett Kimberlin for getting him fired from his job as a compliance lawyer for a Virginia Home Health Care provider, but only because Brett Kimberlin actively worked to get him fired and took credit for it after the fact. Walker was providing under the table, unlicensed legal assistance (he is licensed in Virginia, but not Maryland) to an opponent of Brett Kimberlin in a court case, which is neither criminal nor unethical in any sense. When Brett found out a secret Aaron Worthing was assisting his adversary and there was no lawyer on the bar by that name, he spitefully looked into the man’s background and found him to be the same Aaron Worthing who participated in the Everybody Draw Mohammed Day in 2010. Under a pseudonym, Aaron demanded people use THEIR actual names while sending him “particularly fatwa worthy” profane drawings of the Islamic Prophet (piss be upon him). At one point, he wrote, “I am Aaron Worthing of Manassas, Virginia! Come and get me, bitches!” Except, Brett Kimberlin found out his real name was Aaron Walker. Ever the good citizen, with a heaping scoop of Let’s Fuck Aaron Walker’s Life Up Won’t That Be Fun Ha Ha Ha on the side, Brett responsibly notified Walker’s employer that their employee was causing them risk of retaliation by Walker’s actions. In fact, there is strong evidence that Americans died because of this whole racist (Islam is a race, not a religion. Shut up!!) endeavor perpetrated by Walker, but good luck getting me to tell you what that evidence that Brett and I cooked up is or where it can be found, because it’s nothing more than fantasy! The company Walker worked for hired another lawyer to investigate Walker, and they learned not only was he putting his co-workers at risk, he was doing so on company time. He was blogging and working on Kimberlin’s adversary’s case on company time instead of doing the work he was being paid to do. He was summarily discharged, and he went on his blog to claim that it was terroristic threats from Kimberlin that caused his dismissal. It was a lie to say Brett didn’t get Aaron fired then, it is a lie to say Brett didn’t get Aaron fired now.

Brett didn’t get Aaron fired. I don’t know how much more clear I can be.

I am of the opinion that I shouldn’t fart unless I am locked in a very small, airtight closet, with a tube stuck in my ass that runs straight up to a plastic bag over my head and tied around my neck so I can fully appreciate the mayonnaise bouquet. And when Walker saw what I was doing to Kreeeeeeeendleeeeeeeeer!! he immediately told Hoge to follow through on the peace order appeal. This ridiculous contempt charge has Walker’s patented “follow the law” approach all over it. And Hoge’s readers were not ready to end their gay – teeheehee! – little romp with my reputation either. These are people who want me dead. For instance:

And my wife is also a target for the Hoge gang’s hatred. “Howard Earl’s avatar, for instance.

The top picture is my wife the day of her throat cancer surgery. The black eye is added by “Howard” who refers to her as “sea hag” and “the captive nurse” and he threatens to visit her after I’m dead. Howard is the ONLY PERSON I CAN FIND WHO SUGGESTS THAT I SHOULD BE DEAD, but he is so prolific and he skeers my weepy vagina so badly that he seems like a gang all by himself. Shut up! He’s a gang, okay?!? Leave me the fuck alone! Why do you expect logic from me? Did you forget I’m BATSHIT CRAZY?


My wife looks a bit different now. This picture was taken on Wednesday.

She is down to 121 lbs. She was around 200 on the day of her surgery. She remains cancer free. But the stress of dealing with my gargantuan lack of self control and inability to refrain from engaging with the Hogeists, Zombies, Lee Stranahan and other assorted idiots I JUST. CAN’T. LEAVE. ALONE, combined with her nearly 20 years with the immune disorder Scleroderma, has caused the extreme weight loss. Mostly it’s the Scleroderma. Well, all of it really – it’s not my fault. Shut up!


She is the real reason I choose not to go after Hoge and Walker and the whole Hee Haw gang with hammer and tong. She doesn’t want me to. And I don’t know how much long I’m going to have her, so I won’t do anything she doesn’t want me to. Because I am a good little henpecked husband. (As you can see, she had a good portion of her left neck carved out as they took all the lymph nodes and surrounding tissue. But she beat the fucking thing, and I have never been so proud of anyone in my entire life – and that includes my failed self and all my successful children who never call because they hate me.)

When you insult my wife, you are degrading yourself. When I insult Lauren Stranahan, that’s JOURNALISM, because SCHMALFELDT. When you insult my mother, you are degrading yourself. When I insult Patrick Grady’s mother, wife and son, when I call Aaron Walker’s wife a mail order bride and suggest that she holds his wee wee when he urinates, that’s SATIRE, because SCHMALFELDT. And these are the people Hoge surrounds himself with because they feed his ego and make him feel like a big man. I don’t have any fans, so I have to strike my own ego, and anything else that needs stroking. Or lubrication. Whatever.

I’ve had it. AGAIN. I’m done. AGAIN. Like I said, I do not expect to win on January 30. AGAIN. But I am going to go down AGAIN, fighting.

Tomorrow, when I publish my perpetual motion machine, you will see that I am not going to fight nicely this time. AGAIN.

Try to at least act surprised by the depth and breadth of my ACME Legal nollidge.


Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man's Zombie

133 thoughts on “Our Lady of Perpetual Butthurt…pray for us!”

  1. I'm not even halfway through but had to stop to say - SO VERY WORTH THE WAIT.

    You are the Zombie God, all hail Krendler, the Zombie God of FUN!!


  2. Bill,

    They love them some child porn producers there in MD Prison, tell em about how a rape isn't a rape but just describing and playacting a rape - I'm sure they will understand....

    1. oh save a spot for your "excellent friend" as he joins you later and who will probably be driving you there again on the 30th...

      #ohwhenwillheeverlearn #whenthecelldoorcloses #wedniteisnewbiemassagenite2-for-1

  3. William the Elder
    I guess this is supposed to be a "parody" of a blog entry of mine. Seems like a psychotic episode to me.
    0 replies 0 retweets 0 favorites
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    7:07 PM - 10 Jan 2015

    You better listen to him, Paui. There isn't a more widely recognized expert on psychotic episodes than William.

    He minored in self-defeating stupidity, so if you ever need help there ...

  4. So let's see... Didn't the Elkridge imbecile swear in a court pleading that Grady = Krendler?

    And didn't the Illinois court order SchmalFAIL to not write even about Grady?

    And doesn't SchmalFOOL owe a judgment ordered by that court that is past due?

    I wonder when the next show cause hearing will be?

    1 of 2


    1. 2 of 2


      Just like the restraining orders fell like dominoes, looks like he's trying to collect a whole set of contempt orders too.

      1. Yep. 'Cause I don't see any way that the IL courts could not see that as a clear violation.

        Maybe he thinks that the IL jails and mental hospitals are nicer than the MD ones.

      1. I'm just sad that Leonard Bernstein isn't alive to write Howard his own gang theme song.

  5. William the Elder
    It's stuff like you just wrote, @brainsrfood, that makes what you don't know but will soon enough all the sweeter. 'Nuff said.
    0 replies 0 retweets 0 favorites
    Reply Retweet Favorite
    7:23 PM - 10 Jan 2015

    "You'll be sorry when you see what I've done. I think it's devious, legally brilliant and in no way involves you, but it'll turn out to be a monumentally stupid courtroom bellyflop and you'll laugh at me. Again.


    1. He really should take a moment to look up the definitions before he apes the words of his betters. LOL

      Another quick poll - When the Elkridge imbecile writes, " 'nuff said" does he have:

      1. no idea what it means
      2. no ability to abide by it
      3. 1 and 2
      4. no intention of having the same twitter account next weeks so everything he wrote didn't happen anyway
      5. ??
      6. PROFIT!!eleventy!!

    2. BM Schmalfeldt's life has been an open book courtesy of the over-sharer himself. *GACK*

      And, knowing all I know about him, I -- for the life of me -- cannot figure out why he has such a braggadocious attitude, and believes he has any influence and control over others' lives and their attitudes.

      He has barely an accomplishment to his name to boast about -- and, the only thing he has ever been able to garner from those of us who can't look away from Blobby-the-Trainwreck has been much pointage and laughter.

      @weltschmerz2015: @WhoIsNumberNone There are some sad days ahead for the whole Hoge Hee Haw Gang!
      1/10/15, 5:28 PM


      Yeah. BS is wrong... again.

  6. William the Elder @weltschmerz2015 · 25m 25 minutes ago
    Is it just me, or does Krendler REEK of fear pee?

    Bill, have you ever, EVER had an original thought in your life?

    "fear pee"?


    My God man, you claim to be the "Lard of Satire". Yet you have to keep reusing our stuff?

    1. To be fair, it's a scent he's more than familiar with. That and the smell of other men on his first two wives.

  7. I give up. Bill has gotten so cray cray and Krendler so good at copying him that it wasn't until I got to the 'bouncing' that I was sure this was parody (ha!) and not a copy and paste.

  8. Christmas clerk and the Midnight Maid! My two favorite superheroes. Constantly on the watch against th eevil machinations of the wicked DA Schmalfeldt and his undersized minions.

  9. Everyone already knows what he's talking about, since he has the subtlety of a sledgehammer. He is wrong, of course, but we won't tell him why. Let Judge Stansfield tell him.


  10. Yawn. Yeah, we figured it out since he tweeted his flawed analysis earlier today. What I would be wondering is why Hoge was not hanging around, waiting for Oliver Wendell Jone's brief, like a dog waiting for a bone. Maybe because he's not afraid or worried at all.

    "Even the great and powerful HOGE cannot do what the law will not allow. #obscure #hints"

    Obscure hints? Ha! Once again, those who see the flaws should not help him!

  11. Here's the way this is going to play out, Admiral.
    You are going to go to court on 30 January to show cause. Hopefully it will be bone-chillingly cold that day.
    You will not be able to show cause and you are going to be held in contempt.

    Mr. Hoge is going to not ask for any punishment and just have the court reiterate to you that no contact, direct or indirect is allowed.

    Because Hoge is ten times the man you could only wish to be, you pathetic fucking loser.

    1. William will talk himself right into jail, I believe, irrespective of John's wishes.

      Just 19 more days! Is everybody as excited as I am?

    2. Being Mr. Nice Hoge has worked so well, hasn't it?

      Our Esteemed Hogemeister will be doing himself and the other victims of Bill Schmalfeldt's malignant psychopathy a severe disservice if he fails to respectfully point out that stern admonitions and reiterations of same have not succeeded in altering Bill Schmalfeldt's criminal behavior... and that perhaps it's time for stronger measures to be employed to FOCUS Bill Schmalfeldt's attention on complying with his legal obligations.

      I'd hope to see at least a $500 fine this time around, and the promise of a fortnight in jail if he pushes his luck again.

      My vote is for no more Mr. Nice Hoge, but that decision is of course his to make.

  12. Wasn't it William that told us just last month that postal inspectors and g-men would be pounding on doors and taking people to jail? I believe the full list was Paul, Hoge, Howard and EPWJ. Since they've all been online without interruption, it's safe to say that they haven't been incarcerated.

    But William's never wrong about the law, so I'm sure that it'll happen any day now.

      1. I was on that list too; he even sent me two emails which could easily be construed as attempts at blackmail. I have reported those to the authorities.

    1. Question for those who have been following along for longer than I:

      Has Bill Schmalfeldt ever gotten a legal concept right, except when spoon-fed to him?

      Has Bill Schmalfeldt even gotten a dox right, except when the targets have been revealed by other sources?

      Has Bill Schmalfeldt always been as obnoxious, foul, lying, pompous, arrogant, stupid, and hypocritical as he is now?

      1. No, but his penchant for self-humiliation keeps us coming back for more.

        If they came in his size, the old boy would be wearing a gimp suit all the time.

      2. 1) even when spoon fed, I don't think he's gotten one right. Or at least he can't keep it right.

        2) only of folks who haven't been really trying. And even then he usually makes a few mistakes along the way

        3) Yes.

        1. Look at it this way, he accused four different people of sending him horseshit in less than two days.

          He's a lunatic and a certifiable idiot, and that's why we love him.

      3. 1. No.

        2. No. Hell, I use my real name, we played together as very young children (before his family was ostracized by the "good" Schmalfeldts), and I am a blood relative, and he still can't find me. Incompetent boob!

        3. Yes, though his mood swings have gotten worse over the years, and his accumulated baggage of foulness has grown, too.

        (Hi, Cousin Bill! You can't stop me from telling the truth about you!)

  13. William the Elder @weltschmerz2015
    · 1h 1 hour ago
    Oh Noes! The Krendler Klown Khorus is gonna hold me in CONTEMPT for typing the word "Pat!" Ay yi yi! No me gusto! #idiots

    More #fail. No one here is going to hold BM in contempt. (Well, contempt of court, we certainly hold him in contempt on a personal level.)

    But the Illinois court system might not be so lenient, since they specifically ordered the Big BM to not even write about, never mind to, Grady. And a tweet addressed to "Pat", when the bowel movement has also made it very clear over the past year that he thinks Pat and Paul are the same person is a pretty obviously intentional flouting of the court order.

    And I believe it should be "No me gusta". So Spanish #Fail too.

    He still hasn't told me when he's planning on coming to call me a whore to my and my husband's faces. #Coward.

  14. "It's stuff like you just wrote, @brainsrfood, that makes what you don't know but will soon enough all the sweeter. 'Nuff said."

    Says the dumb fuck who refuses to get competent legal advice or to quit dancing on the precipice of a bottomless pit of legal annihilation.

    It's stuff like you just wrote, Bill Schmalfeldt, that makes what you don't know but will soon enough all the sweeter. 'Nuff said.

  15. I don't live in MD, and have no prior knowlege of protective orders in any jurisdiction, but it wasn't exactly a difficult task to google up how they work. The Big BM's idea of the situation seems to make less and less sense with every tweet. Quelle surprise.

    1. Bill Schmalfeldt seems to have somewhere gotten the idea that he gets to do what he "has" to do, and the universe will re-order itself around him.

      Bill Schmalfeldt needs to be taught that the universe does not, in fact, revolve around him and that if he insists on acting as if it did... Reality is going to curb-stomp his dick-dented cranium, and no joke about it.

  16. "...and the Lady Schmalfeldt, Our Lady of Perpetual Butthurt, did take unto herself all the butthurt of the world so that the peaceful people of the this world shall be forever spared the sting of butthurt all the days of their lives. And she did store away the butthurt in her copious and capable mangina and there kept it safe away from the world and occasionaly fed the butthurt some sandy grit or roadbed aggregate or even smoothed riverbed pebbles when they were in season and available at reasonable prices. So say we all. Hooo-cheee!"

    Liturgical readings from the the chapel of Our Lady of the Immense Labiated Butthurt Repository

  17. Shaky, if I've said it once I've said it a thousand times, YOU SUCK AT LIFE. Also, Howard worked tirelessly in the lab to find a single cure for your many ailments, and immediately upon his discovery shared it with you free of charge. Howard did all of this for you (on top of dealing with all the problems his junky skank wife causes him) and you still attack him and try to slander his good name, how sad. I guess you just can't help some people.

    1. If there were an inheritance, Gail should give a cut to Hoge.
      I bet she appreciates the distractions he's caused.
      Beats another shiner.

  18. Feldtdown proceeding as we have foreseen.

    I wonder if Bill Schmalfeldt has run his latest legal theories past a lawyer?

    I wonder if Bill Schmalfeldt has done as I've suggested a few times already: Obtained legal advice, and fully briefed the attorney in his actions over the last few months... Of course that won't actually HELP, but at least Bill Schmalfeldt wouldn't be blindsided by the legal shitstorm which is about to engulf him.

    1. "Some shitheels apparently unable to read/comprehend simple English."

      Yes, the shitheel named Bill Schmalfeldt.

      I am not going to provide Bill Schmalfeldt with legal insight, so the asshole can quit begging.

      Bill Schmalfeldt can read the post above a few more times. It's all the help he's getting from me, and he wouldn't be getting that much if I didn't know from prior experience that he'll avoid taking good advice even if it means cutting off his nose to spite his face.

      1. Exactly.
        Surely there is some business that can take me to the DC area on January 30.

    2. Concepts that b.s. does not get:


      And Shakespeare says it a whole lot better than I.

      There’s letters seal’d, and my two schoolfellows,
      Whom I will trust as I will adders fang’d—
      They bear the mandate, they must sweep my way
      And marshal me to knavery. Let it work;
      For ’tis the sport to have the enginer
      Hoist with his own petard, an’t shall go hard
      But I will delve one yard below their mines
      And blow them at the moon.
      Hamlet Act 3, scene 4, 202–209


    3. He is now basing all of these on the legal answers from the free online legal site, where the lawyers can only give answers based on what he tells them.

      I assume that GIGO applies here as well as in computing.

  19. I agree, FULL, COMPLETE, and ACCURATE research is very important. Oliver Wendell Jones has failed to do this. You should not stop reading as soon as you think you find something that helps you.


  20. This all sounds so freaking familiar!

    1. I can't wait for his "Freebird", whereupon he threatens everyone that has even commented on the matter.

      1. I know, right? I have already been threatened with a hit job should BS go all bouncy and throw himself down a flight of stairs, but nothing quite compares to being threatened with a lolsuit courtesy of Blobby.

        And, I look so forward to the next round of paperwork pounded out from a sticky keyboard in Elkridge. I have yet to have a tweet or a comment of mine included in one of BM Schmalfeldt's geenyus, court filings. *insert sad face here* Maybe this time!

        I wait with bated breath in hopes my "AMEN!" comment from Hogewash! in regards to a -15 degree temperature on January 30th makes the cut.


      2. Grace: I got included in one of his filing, think it was the copyright case. It was a moment of transcendent joy. Here's hoping you make it this time.

        Technically all of us have probably been included considering that the text of his copyright violating book was largely that big ol comment stream and most of were in on it.

        1. I was included in both, which was completely irrelevant as a matter of law, unless William's trying to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that I'm funnier than he is.

  21. William the Elder @weltschmerz2015 · 2h 2 hours ago
    Hoge has been like that of late. He sits, coiled in the shadows, waits for you to get close, STRIKES, and.....

    ...gets a restraining order on your pasty white ass.

  22. Oh the fatmanity [fatmanatee? no, that's too redundant]. The knockout punch is that the court already accepted a form that differs in no way relevant to the issue before the court?

    As for the impossibility of purging the contempt, it's true no time machines will be involved. The thing is, since the Big BM has shown he is unable to conduct himself on the internet in a way that doesn't show contempt for the order, the court may see it necessary to remove this irresistable temptation. There's a number of ways to accomplish that.

    1. Credit where credit's due; he did spell his own name properly this time. There is that.

    2. Either the court accepted the wrong form for something they must see countless times every month... Or Bill has missed something in his legal ANALysis.

      Gee, which would a smart zombie bet on?

      1. Vegas has 3:5 on the first and 1:20 on the second. Yes, those are both losing bets; there's no way they're gonna take a hit on something as obvious as the second choice, and hell, the first might just have happened.

  23. So, if I understand the bowel movement's tweets correctly, he is claiming that John filed the wrong paperwork.

    However, the court had to accept that paperwork in order to set a hearing date.

    So, the big bm is claiming that the court itself is wrong, since the court accepted the paperwork.

    This could get interesting.

    1. I had originally wrote that up as a comment, but thought better of it.

      The first judge accepted it before recusing himself. Then a SECOND judge agreed to hear it. But, of course, William is better legal mind and intends to demonstrate that with over eighty pages of hysterical, obfuscating nonsense.

      On a completely unrelated note, I wonder how the old boy convinced himself that he was right before Twitter was invented? .

      1. "I wonder how the old boy convinced himself that he was right before Twitter was invented? ."


        And did he keep changing his name after each failure? Roy can you help us?

      2. Sure.

        Cousin Bill has always been an obnoxious blowhard.

        More? OK, since you asked nicely:

        Before the Internet, his obnoxious-isity was confined to the distance his voice would carry, through the air, via the phone, or on the radio.

        Then, he'd be fired or divorced, have to find a new job or wife, rinse, lather, repeat.

        Due to the fact that his vocal emanations would fade in seconds, or be confined to inaccessible media like recording tape, the repercussions would also damp in a short period, allowing him to escape the need to change his name.

        Now, the Internet is a different thing - the Internet is FOREVER, making it almost impossible to memory-hole some stupid crap you uttered.

        Instead of ceasing to utter stupid crap, Bill throws it out there, then, when the repercussions start getting heavy, he changes his "handle", hoping that will be enough to hide his association with his stupid crap utterings...

        When you piss off enough people on the Internet, that doesn't work so well...

        His family fleeing to the Dakotas was the start of Bill's nomadic lifestyle. The Internet, and the tin crapshack he lives in, will be the end of it.

    2. Of course, Blob is claiming all of this based on [redacted - no educating the monkey, please.] Then there's the fact that in order to purge contempt, one must first be found in contempt, and he's been ordered to show why he should not be so found.

      The derp is strong in this one.

      "ACME Law. When you have to get it absolutely, positively wrong,"

  24. William the Elder @weltschmerz2015 · 3m 3 minutes ago
    Arizona and Illinois have nothing to do with this, morons. Did Hoge submit the correct form? No. He did not. The end.

    Tell it to the judge, Bill.

    1. As fun as Braggadocio Bill is, I can't wait for the return of You're Killing Me William, which I expect by the end of the week. We all have our favorites.

      I do want to thank him, though. in these submissions, William has finally produced actual comedy. In fact, they're the funniest things I've read since the second amended counterclaim in Ye Olde Copyright Suit.

      1. Nah, Braggadocio Bill is much, much better, if only because his comedown is always so epic.

        Bill, you're doing great! Hoge doesn't stand a chance!

        1. I suggest that William create a radio station devoted to reading his discarded, yet hilarious legal pleadings. After reading them for his adoring public, he can explain why they were dismissed because everyone except him, including several courts of competent jurisdiction, is lying, evil or ignorant.

          As great as it is on Twitter, it would be so much better in that deep, dumb voice that he was supposed to have lost forever last spring.

    2. William doesn't seem to understand the principle of "pattern of conduct." It seems easily demonstrable that he knows what the law is, but doesn't care. That is the very definition of contempt.

      But do keep dancing.

    3. I think Bill is absolutely right that usage of the wrong form ishuts down the entire process and if that judge doesn't understand this simple bureaucratic principle of law then the point point should be pressed upon repeatedly with increasing force until he submits.

      Gotta go to the store and buy some dried corn kernels for later.

        1. I'm saddened that I'll almost certainly miss this evening's scheduled Feldtdown. Other engagements beckon and it would be rude to be engrossed in some slovenly foreigner's nervous breakdown.

  25. Proof that the incorrect form was not deemed a case-killer when the Petition for Contempt was reviewed by the Court? A Show Cause Order was issued.

  26. Must. Not. Educate. Dancing. Monkey.


    It's just sad when the closest thing to inflicting pain on his "enemies" Bill Schmalfeldt can achieve is for us to have to squelch our jeering and refrain from telegraphing his impending doom.

    Come on, Bill. Hire that lawyer like you said you would. Print out all those tweets and e-mail and watch the attorney's face as he reads them. It'll be PRICELESS.

    I wonder if Bill Schmalfeldt still realizes that order to appear is still valid. Is that freezing rain I see in the forecast? It'd be tragic if Mr. Hoge just isn't available to sign for documents and so he'll not have the opportunity to weigh the (BWHAHAHAHAHA!) merits of Bill Schmalfeldt's legal opinion until Bill has had to venture out into the frozen wastelands of MD.


    1. I guess Bill Schmalfeldt doesn't comprehend that:

      A) Free advice is worth what you paid for it.
      B) If you don't give a lawyer the whole unvarnished truth, you can't get a valid answer.
      C) Some of those words don't mean what Bill thinks they mean.

      1. Better still, his own web Matlock told William to hire a lawyer, which William is studiously ignoring.

        This week is going to be FUN!

    2. Pretty sure a lawyer would turn all this down because after hearing the conspiracy laced diatribe, a good lawyer would ask, "So why didn't you just walk away and never talk about him again? That would have been the cheapest and smartest thing to do."

    3. Unfortunately, the GFS model only extends to the 19th (180 hours out). So on or about the 22nd, we can begin with tentative forecasts for the 30th. By the 27th, the NAM will be online and we can really tighten up the probable weather.


  27. I was wondering about the legal advice that William's supposedly gotten. On Friday evening, he published a blog post that had him resigned to prison chow and a shanking. Yet yesterday morning he was declaring victory, all supposedly without leaving the house.

    So of course it's internet lawyers, who have neither reviewed the case, evidence or orders in question. Of course it is.

    I suppose there's a bright side. If William breaks a hip on the 30th, he can log onto WebMD and perform the corrective surgery himself.

    The next 19 days are going to be nothing short of sensational!

    1. I'm tempted to ask a question there, but phrase it ACCURATELY... But it would be too painful to have to leave out THAT WHICH SHALL NOT BE DIVULGED, so I'll just let Bill Schmalfeldt keep playing the role of the fat, happy cow shuffling up the ramp towards the captive bolt gun.

  28. Ah, I see Bill has consulted with his cadre of free online attorneys. Well, ya get what ya pay for.

    Anyway weren't these the same guys who told him sending him poop wasn't against the law and he should just get over it? Odd that he didn't listen to them then.

  29. Legal machinations and substance aside, The Commodore will still have to schlep his worthless fat ass out in hopefully bone-chilling, late January temperatures.

    And after all. Isn't that all that matters?

    1. That's the very best part. William is so convinced that there won't be a hearing, that he's not preparing for the possibility of one. Why? Because some guy on the Internet told him so.

      That being the case, Howard is a guy on the Internet with ideas about a cure for Parkinson's. And his advice is also based entirely on what William has chosen to put out in public.

  30. William the Elder @weltschmerz2015 · 7m 7 minutes ago
    As I have not yet filed a copy of the Motion to Cancel the Show Cause hearing, the copy you see on Hoge's site may or may not be final draft

    "So please hurry and give me any errors you find and suggested improvements."

  31. I wonder if the BM has noticed that typos in court pleadings are virtually always ignored? For example, in the Bizarro World alternate universe wherein Kimberlin wins his RICO suit, the court [staffed by kangaroos, of course, but that's irrelevant] will assume he meant to ask for 2 million in damages, rather than 2 grand.

    For essentially the same reason, a form that differs mainly in the form number itself will be treated as if it was correct. All the same relevant information is on the form. The form exists only to convey that information to the court in a hard copy. The piece of paper is not the case, the information conveyed is the case.

    The BM's motion will fail. He will almost certainly be found in contempt. The only real issue is what the penalty will be. He's already deleted the blog post that caused the prohibited contact, so in that sense, civil contempt has already been purged. The biggest question I see here is if the BM can manage to avoid irritating the judge in court. Seems...unlikely.

    1. I want the difference in forms to cause a problem.

      That means a trip to court on the 30th, whoops this is the wrong form. Please file the right form and we'll schedule another court date.

      Gives that mean ol sidewalk a whole nuther shot at that hip and femur.

  32. To answer someone's earlier question, BS does occasionally get legal concepts right. Where he goofs up, consistently, is that (1) he stops as soon as he finds something he likes, he fails to provide a FULL and ACCURATE set of facts to his on line cadre of attorneys (I can't believe I just typed that).

    Question: does anyone think it has occurred to him that some of the people he calls stupid and ignorant about the law are or were practicing attorneys? No? It must be a heavy burden to be an expert on absolutely everything, and all with just a high school degree.

  33. Why would he be embarrassed? He's not the one with multiple restraining orders in three states.

  34. Two days ago:




    Things are proceeding exactly as I have foreseen.

    1. This is why, as a general rule, the clearly mentally ill are precluded from practising law.

  35. You learn something every day.

    Never realized that peace orders were holy icons capable of profanation.

    Think maybe I'll go out and profane a parking citation later.

  36. wow! could you possible have used a bigger font, keep working at it Dumbass and you'll get it down to one letter per page.

    You know they don't weigh these on a scale to determine credibility don't you?

    I hereby claim "never get read" in the pool for eventual court outcome on these docs.

  37. If you want to read something really funny, take a look at what the lawyer on the top right says - "if [Hoge] violates a court order, then he could be subject to contempt."
    A HA HA HA HA HA! **Gasp**
    Oh, no! I sprained my LULZ muscle! Howard! I forgot!

    1. Maybe someone should post links to hogewash for Mr. Oakley, though somehow I doubt he'd want to read through two years of posts for uncompensated work. If he did read the whole story, I suspect he'd be charging Mr. Bill a rather large amount in fees for wasting his time.

      1. I think it's hilarious that a lawyer is telling him that violating a court order can lead to contempt of court, which is why he's in this mess right now - he violated a court order.

      2. I have a professional relationship with one of the people who responded to Bill (our paths have crossed a few times although we're in different parts of the country. We're not "friends," but we do know each other.) had a nice email exchange with them and filled them in on ALL the facts. Surprise, surprise, they've come to a very different conclusion. To quote them: "He needs to get a lawyer ASAP."


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