by Parkinson Williams, Publisher
Three weeks from this coming Sunday will mark the 60th anniversary of the day I flopped headfirst through the waiting hands of the staff obstetrician and onto the delivery room floor at Lord Have Mercy Hospital in Hillary, Iowa. I’ve been deported from countries all over the world. But I am an Iowan, born and bred, even if they no longer acknowledge me as such. Meredith Wilson in his wonderful musical “The Music Man” had it correct while describing the contrary nature of natives of the Hawkeye State.
“We can be cold as our falling thermometers in December if you ask about our weather in July. And we’re so by gosh stubborn we can stand touchin’ noses for a week-and-a-half and never see eye to eye.”
Such is my nature. I am opinionated and contentious. These would be admirable traits if I were also informed or educated, but I was only blessed to think I’m smart rather than actually to be smart. I do not suffer people who remind me I’m a fool — or who stand up to my bullying — gladly.
This seems to be the part of my character that most annoys John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt of Westchester, Maryland. I don’t know the man all that well, but he seems like every other person I have ever had a disagreement with. He’s the guy who always winds up being “right” in any dispute – at least with me. Makes no sense. I’ve never met his wife, even though I once characterized her as an alcoholic, I’ve only seen his son in photos (but it was enough for the latent, impotent homosexual in me to project my most filthy inner fantasies onto him). I gather JJJ Schmidt is a well-educated, well-traveled, thoughtful and considerate man who makes friends of good people wherever he goes.
But he’s no friend of mine. I’m not sure what conclusion can be drawn from that, because I am only opinionated and contentious, not educated or informed.
It’s not in Schmidt’s nature to be wrong. And woe be unto the forced-to-retire federal employee, writing as an independent, freelance, investigative reporter with no editor, fact-checker, legal backup or readers, who needs more than JJJ Schmidt’s “say so” to determine whether or not something is a fact.
As the contemptible, irredeemably evil folks in the right wing blogosphere that orbit the planet Schidt will tell you — well, strike that. They would never admit to my having a positive quality. I am their personification of evil for my months of harassment of a Texas man over which version of the death of his unborn child during an ill-advised attempt at a home delivery was the correct version. Like it was any of my business. I am so evil that on a Blog Talk Radio show in February 1983, which happens to be the same time someone sent me a tub full of horseshit that smelled so bad when my wife opened it that it exacerbated my neurological disorder such that I keeled over and got a rug burn from being licked by my dog, I ran down a list of names. With my big rig. I had to chase some of them up the curb and onto the sidewalk before beating them with baseball bats and tire irons and throwing them back into traffic to finish them off. I don’t have the exact list handy. But Shidt has it tattooed on his forehead, and he copies it on his blog from time to time.
Yesterday, for instance.
It’s all horseshit – which is BIO-TERRORISTIC MATERIAL THAT SOMEONE SENT ME IN THE MAIL!!1!1ELEVENTY11!1!!1. It’s all absolute horseshit, IMPROPERLY PACKAGED AND ILLEGALLY MAILED WHERE IT MIGHT HAVE CONTAMINATED ENTIRE REGIONAL POST OFFICES, WHICH IS A CLASS A MISDEMEANOR FEDERAL CRIME!!1!11! And I and my family have been put through pain and suffering AND EXACERBATION AND YEAR-SHAVING because Lee Strammyham has been harassed by some fat, sick, ugly bastard in a Maryland trailer park who’s been sent here to destroy you, and there’s a million of us just like me who cuss like me, who just don’t give a fuck like me, who dress like me, walk, talk, and act like me, it just might be the next best thing, but not quite me. Because somebody, in my opinion, is paying Lee Strammyham to file these charges against me, in the hopes that I will either break or die. I got some fucking news for you, Stranny [pause] Stroller, Shitt, Frye[pause] and Frye [pause] beware the Ides of March.
Now, this was meant to be a wink and a nod to the band Ides of March, who were a one-hit wonder in 1970 with “Vehicle,” a peppy tune about a “friendly stranger in a black sedan, oh won’t you hop inside my car” that reminds me of a certain excellent friend of mine every time I hear it.
Schidt and his brotha-from-anotha-motha Henry Stroller recognized it instead as the soothsayer’s warning to Julius Caesar from Shakespeare. I didn’t know that because I’m the only independent, freelance, investigative reporter in America ever to fail high school English all six years. They took knowledge that I didn’t have and interpreted these words as a death threat. To them. I’m serious.
First Stroller, then Shidt, went crying to the Howard and Carroll County Courthouses and swore out peace orders against me. Stroller’s was denied in the Howard County District Court. Shit’s was denied in the Carroll County District Court. He appealed, but before his appeal could be heard he filed yet another peace order application in the Carroll County District Court, and this judge practically laughed him out of the courtroom.
Schit’s assertion was — and is — that he was being harassed. By me. On Twitter.
And he TOLD me to STOP! Not once, but TWICE!
The first was in a post on his aptly named Schmidtfaced blog, dated Sept. 16, 2012 entitled, “Perhaps I Am A Fool.” (Perhaps?) in which he wrote, and I quote:
I don’t feed trolls. I have received troll tweets and blog comments. If you’re trolling, save your breath. I’ll block your comments here and ignore you on Twitter.
Being clairvoyant, I was supposed to take that as a personal demand from Schmidthead to me to stop contacting him on Twitter.
Naturally, I ignored it. Being ignorant is one of my best talents. It takes lots of practice to get to this level of ignorance.
The second one came shortly before he filed for the first peace order. It was dated Feb. 15, 2013 and it was an order for the people who Tweet as @oldunclebastard (aka Little ol’ MEEE!!!), @occupyrebellion and @BreitbartUnmask to cease contacting him. In the first District Court hearing, I was asked if I remembered being told to stop stirring up Schidt. Not being a daily reader of his blog at that time, I didn’t recall a specific request.
Now, that could be the dementia, or I could have been stretching the truth. It was true that I was not a daily reader at the time…by then I was pounding the F5 key every 20 seconds or so.
See, I was HARASSING Hoge.
HOW was I harassing him?
By including the characters @jjjschmidt in tweets.
I know. It’s TERRIFYING. The only thing I can think of that’s MORE TERRIFYING is a picture of a toy doll with a Sawzall. Or a Chuck Norris joke. Do you know how much a HAZMAT clean-up crew costs?
What do YOU do if you’re on Twitter and you are bothered by someone you don’t wish to hear from? You block that person, right? It’s easy. It takes 10 seconds.
And what do you do if you know that someone has a blog that does nothing but make fun of all the ignorant, uninformed garbage you have ever written on the Internet? You don’t go to that blog, right? It’s easy. It takes 10 seconds to delete links to that blog from your history and you never have to go there again!
Wait, what? Whatever. Makes no nevermind to me.
But this is JJJ Schmidt we are talking about. Why should HE have to block ME? In his appeal to the Carroll County Circuit Court, we drew a judge who had no idea what “the Twitter” was, how it was used, or any clue about how to operate such a confusing bit of confounded infernal new-fangled gadgetry.
Schmidt, the fiend, used that to his advantage to PRESENT A PERSUASIVE ARGUMENT to the judge, saying blocking me on Twitter would be the same as having to change his phone number to avoid telemarketers.
The judge agreed and granted the peace order. Extending it for another six months in December 2013.
So, instead of taking the 10 seconds to block me on Twitter, he spent God knows how much of the Carroll County taxpayer’s money to get a judge to force me to stop including @jjjschmidt in my tweets.
Which is, in my opinion, much, MUCH WORSE than wasting Howard County taxpayers’ money by filing TWO bogus chickenshit Peace Order petitions and then failing to show up for both of them. Good thing I would never do that.
Where was I? Oh, yes…
In effect, here’s what happened. Twitter is not a one-on-one communications platform. By design, it is a Look-at-me-I’m-batshit-crazy-and-I-can-scream-in-your-face-all-day-long platform. Anyone “tuned in” to my handle will see the insanity I send. Even if you do not follow me, any time I put an @ in front of your handle, the tweet shows up in your “contacts” folder, not on your main timeline. So what Schmidt did was, in effect (by the way, that’s twice in one paragraph I have used this rhetorical crutch, did you notice what a crappy writer I am?), get a judge to order my broadcast station to broadcast across the spectrum — as long as I adjusted my transmitter to ensure that my broadcast did not reach Schmidt’s receiver, unless he tuned in by choice.
And within a month of getting his peace order, Schmidt tried to follow my Twitter account.
“Getting” me has been Schmidt’s reason for living, when he’s not trying to put an excellent, sawed-off, bomb-making kiddie diddler back in jail. Nearly 370 criminal charges filed, all thrown out because Schmidt’s good heart got the better of him. A shabby attempt at a copyright infringement suit, shut down by a judge in a settlement hearing, alongside my monumentally incompetent counterclaim.
Then, at the settlement hearing, Hoge informed me that, as long as I gave him no reason to do so, he had no intention to follow through on his appeal of yet another peace order he attempted to place upon me which was laughed out of the Carroll County District Court.
So I went on my merry way, attempting yet again to dox another blogger who had taken vicious and evil things I had written about Schmidt and him and jiu-jitsued them into even more vicious and evil things about me. I even wrote a book about them. Well, when I say “wrote,” what I mean is that I wrote about 5% of the material, and stole the rest from their blogs and from public domain sources. My goal was to get an anonymous blogger to identify himself and sue me, but he’s clearly not stupid enough to do that. I guess I’m just stupid enough to believe that was a good plan.
And also stupid enough to think that wouldn’t be reason enough for Schmidt to change his mind about the Peace Order appeal.
So, on August 27, 2014, I failed to check the court calendar to see if the hearing was still on the docket. I foolishly assumed that Schmidt would not notice what I had done, or if he had noticed would ignore my bad behavior from some misplaced sense of honor. Or that he would correct my unforced error for me by driving down to my trailer, dressing me up nicely, taking me out to lunch and then driving me to court where I could exercise my legal genius before an admiring judge who would ask me why I never finished my law degree.
What a boneheaded mistake that turned out to be!
Instead, I went to a previously scheduled appointment to see my neurologist. As good as his word, with me providing more than enough reason for him to proceed, Schmidt went to the Carroll County Circuit Court where his appeal was granted uncontested and his peace order was awarded.
And you wonder why I believe Schmidt, or any of a half dozen…well, perhaps a full dozen…okay, maybe two dozen…well, if we count my relatives now we’re starting to push fifty…hold on, then there’s the Knot crew…and all their friends… Okay, carry the eight… Let’s just call it an even 200…you wonder why I could believe any of 200 people could mail someone (aka Little ol’ MEEEE!!) a tub of wet, smelly horseshit?
So, returning to the title of this essay. I am from Iowa. I have the characteristics of an Iowan. I am dirty. I talk dirty. I have dirty thoughts. I am as dumb as dirt. I ate dirt when I was a kid. And I will be damned straight to the 6th Bolgia of the 8th circle of hell (with the hypocrites, where I belong) before – or after…makes no nevermind to me – I allow a penny-ante tin dictator like Schmidt to interfere with my First Amendment rights, which by this very statement I am proving beyond doubt that I do not understand.
Maybe not dumb as dirt. Maybe dumber.
I suppose it all depends on how long it takes me to die.
I have a feeling he’s gearing up for another go, so stay tuned to see him abuse me like Alec Baldwin on a paparazzi.