59 thoughts on “Boy, I Never Saw THAT Coming!!”

  1. Coward. Embarrassment to his dead mother. Come on Bill, take it like a man. Oops, forgot, you have zero concept of what it means to be a man. So go hide behind your wife as usual. Cower you sniveling waste of oxygen.

  2. From my comment at 10:22 last night; "Most probably, it will be like every other week where William has issued Dire Proclamations of Doom, which is to say that by no later than Thursday, he shall attempt to hide his continued self-debasement by pretending that none it ever happened."


    It might well be that I'm getting good at this. With luck, it'll become an Olympic event!

    1. Yup, you definitely called it. hahahaha

      The freakshow has repeatedly claimed none of us know him, yet somehow one or more of us is able to accurately predict his behavior days and even weeks in advance, again and again.

      1. To be fair, I didn't expect that it would happen in eleven hours. I imagined him constantly bothering the beleaguered civil servants of Howard County until they told him to run along and play with his poop, which I thought might not have happened until Wednesday or Thursday.

        But I am a prophet. I'll wear that proudly.

  3. I do so wish I saved Schmalfeldt's tweets. Let's recap, shall we?



    On a more serious note, if William did indeed send his impotent little missive to NASA as threatened, it seems to me that John has a compelling case for violating the old boy on the most recent peace order. If regaling clients with mythical tales of criminal conduct doesn't constitute harassment, it's difficult to imagine what does.

    Failing that, civil remedies might be in order. Perhaps interference with contract applies, but I'm no Oliver Wendell Jones, so a second opinion should be sought.

    And poor Paul must be inconsolable. Since I know him to be a good and gracious host, I can't imagine that he didn't lay out milk and cookies for William's imaginary FBI agents and postal inspectors, spending hours making his living room welcoming for him, all for naught.

    What of EPWJ and Howard Earl, whose good names have been sullied without apology?

    William, it appears, really stepped in it this time.

      1. Howard,

        You have made reference to bil stepping on his crank several times. I'm afraid I must take umbrage at your allusions. Short of the lotus position I cannot fathom any means for bil's feet to be anywhere near his genitalia.

      2. Ordinarily, I fancy my voice to be one of mercy and compassion in a cruel and unfeeling world, and would advise Mr. Hoge to let William's humiliation be punishment enough. To be sure, he's a maniac and five-eighths retarded, but none of those things are his fault.

        However, William has proven himself to be anything but an ordinary case. Whenever the Christian spirit of charity has compelled someone to lift their boot from his neck, William tries to propagandize it as some manner of victory, proving also that he's a witless blowhard with something less than a normal allotment of humility. He sees mercy as nothing more than weakness and a further invitation for him to prey (albeit comically) upon others.

        For that reason, I would suggest that those targeted in William's silly and sociopathic #WAR offer him no more quarter than he would offer them. It's time for the Don Quixote of Elkridge to finally be hit with everything that can be brought to bear: criminal charges, further restraining orders, civil actions, dropping a piano on head, whatever.

        He needs to be put down, carved up and burned at the crossroads at midnight, if only to serve as a warning to his darker and brighter confederates.

        Of course, I mean the last part metaphorically. Carving the Schmalfedtian carcass into allotments suitable for incineration would be a lot of work, and frankly, we seem to all be men of advancing middle age. We tire easily.

  4. Of all of William's mystical misadventures, this one is best in show. He just can't whinny.

    At long last, William's war with Mr. Ed is over. And Mr. Ed won.

  5. Dear William,

    I know you're reading this, if your not locked in a rubber room somewhere or dangling from your shower curtain rod. I thought I'd offer you some advice regarding your comedy career going forward.

    Any lifelong practitioner of the art will tell you that you never let the subject of your jokes write the punchlines. You always do, and look where it's gotten you. Your audience is laughing at instead of with you. Your crowd work appears to be backfiring in a rather dramatic way.

    On the other hand, you might secretly be aspiring to a higher art form than conventional comedy.Perhaps, deep down, you fancy yourself a performance artist.

    In that case, I offer you this advice;


    Oh, and no one likes performance art.

    1. shower curtain rod? seriously?

      I remember being in the middle east and the newspapers were reporting the suicides of some people who were inconvenient to the government. Seems they were hanging themselves from ceiling fans. Next day I stopped by the hardware store and asked to see the ceiling fan mounting screws, "no, not those puny little things buddy! bring me the big honkin' 10" screws you can hang a man from !"

      1. It was the first thing that came to mind and I rather liked the ... poetry of the image. Okay, and the comedic potential.

      2. nice choice of words, scans well and gets the idea across, its just the engineer in me that trips up over the logistical improbabability of it and says in the back of my mind "hey that'll never carry that kind of load!"

      3. Hell Kyle, the pressed cardboard that passes as ceiling beams in tin can city are so flimsy that you can't even mount a ceiling fan without it tearing a hole in the ceiling/roof.

  6. The NSA just sent me The Admiral's latest nanny-cam still shots.


  7. No visits from Postal Inspectors? Whatever can they be waiting for? I know they have to make Hoge crack first but that can't take more than an hour or so, can it?

    1. I thought at least he would be smart enough to delete his humiliation, but nope, he isn't.

        1. True, and the contact with NASA ("the emails are already sent") almost certainly violates the peace order. As I said above, if it doesn't, I can't imagine what would. If I'm wrong about that, harassment is so narrowly defined as to be meaningless.

          That's the criminal part.

          I'm neither a lawyer, a resident of Maryland, or even an American, but if William can be shown to have sent the NASA email in the hopes that it would cost John his job, the tort of interference in contractual relations (or the American/Maryland equivalent) might apply (I mentioned that I'm not a lawyer, right? Splendid.). Remember, Mr. Hoge isn't a NASA employee, he's a contracted consultant. I'm assuming that, for tax purposes, John Hoge is also an independent corporate entity. Long story short, Schmalfeldt can potentially face tortuous interference suits from Hoge the man AND Hoge the company. .

          William's statement of fact that John knows Who Sent The Poo and is therefore guilty of a crime is libelous, particularly since he offers nothing that even resembles proof of that

          Above and beyond that, Elkridge Slim's new twitter page directly lifts and modifies John's copyrighted blog header, presumably without permission, since William's not in a position where he can legally ask for it. At a minimum, that would clearly violate the Hoge/Schmalfeldt settlement agreement, and it could be a completely new cause of action.

          Those would all be separate causes of action, with the first part applying to both the peace order and a civil claim.

          Now, Wild Bill knows that John Hoge can and will litigate these matters, since he has done so before. William just doesn't seem to care.

          He's committed legal suicide in the last 24 hours. And that's just with John! There are probably three or four other people who in the last week have more than enough grounds to file suit in their local district courts. Those would include Patrick Grady, Chris Heather and Eric Johnson.

          Ordinarily, I wouldn't say any of this out loud, but Elkridge Slim is so arrogant that the only legal opinion that carries any weight with him is his own, despite how delightfully that's worked out for him in the past.

    2. Did Twitter finally come up with a block that really does block you and you can't even see the tweets from someone who blocks you? or does he have his acount locked while he asks Mother-May-I of Kimba the White Lyin?

      If he blocks us he really will be all alone on the net.

    1. LOL

      You should set up a "gofundme" (or whatever the correct site/term is), to give others the opportunity to kick in. 😀

      1. And in addition to allowing others to be part of the generous gift, think of the potential for a HUGE bonus: You'd likely raise a lot more than did the freakshow when he tried to crowdsource funding to 'clear his name' or something, thus proving that his name isn't as valuable as horse manure.

  8. hahahaha The freakshow seems to think (and I use that word very loosely), that John's copyright suit was about him! hahahaha Yeah, the copyright</strong had nothing to do with, um, you know, um, copyright, or protecting John's work.

    Narcissists everywhere are complaining about being compared to someone so incredibly full of himself.


  9. Speaking of a "poop of the month club". Willy has already stated that poopsenders.com is a "reputable dealer" (snerk). Therefore he can have no problem being sent poop from them:

    Bill Schmalfeldt @HogeWatch · 22h 22 hours ago
    Final thought on the subject, then bedtime. You folks keep conflating the concept of ordering manure from a reputable dealer....

    Bill Schmalfeldt @HogeWatch · 22h 22 hours ago
    Having it properly package, and mailed. That is not what happened here. What happened here is that some scumbag paid an...

    That was in repose to this article:


    Man Willy, these past few weeks have NOT been kind to you.

  10. I wonder what the good doctors of Vanderbilt think of their image and including him in a study - using that to market child audio rape fantasies world wide so the worst of the worst are titillated by the prospect of joining troop 69?

  11. May I have your attention please?
    May I have your attention please?
    Will The Real Slim Lickspittle please stand up?
    I repeat... The Real Slim Lickspittle please stand up?
    We're gonna have a problem here.

    I'm The Real Lickspittle, yes I'm The Lickspittle.
    All you other Real Lickspittles are just imitating
    So won't The Real Lickspittle please stand up?
    Please stand up. Please stand up.

    Ha! Ha!
    Guess there's a Real Lickspittle in all of us.
    F*ck it. Let's all stand up!

  12. Grace. Jane. Grane. Jace.

    It all boils down to... BITE US, BILL!

    I spoke for Jane here... assuming we won't mind.


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