Keep a Happy Ass

Hygiene is more important today than ever. With so many people working in close quarters, one cannot take the risk of reaching into the back of one’s Depends to dig at the nasty, filthy, disease-ridden remnants of Schmalfeldt clinging parasitically to your ass.

That’s why it’s vital that every time you visit the bathroom to expel Schmilfaldt, you do the necessary paper work to wipe out every last stinky bit of Schamlfoldt that might want to take up residence close to your happy ass.

But not too much paperwork, because even though it is important to keep your ass clean, your ass is also delicate. If eliminating Shmolfladt is unpleasant and sticky, you may find yourself having to wipe more than twice, or even using a big corncob to scrape the last of the vile Scolmflodt away. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you insert the cob into your ass! While Schmilflodt is regularly entertained by such shenanigans, there are few quicker ways to irritate your ass than sticking foreign objects into the exit in search of more Shuchmalfaldt. Schlimlfasdt will always reappear on its own eventually. There is no need to go digging for it.

Wet wipes can be handy in clearing away all traces of Schmokfladt from his favorite hangout near all the assholes. Try to avoid the type with lotions because they too can cause a pain in your ass, but if it means getting rid of all the Schmucklfielt that sticks to you, a little ass pain is probably worth it. Your results may vary.

Sometimes, in very extreme cases, you may be stuck with extra-nasty Scumfelt all over your ass. In such cases, it’s best to jump in the shower to wash away the vile stuff that won’t depart any other way. No need for soap, because plenty of clean hot water will melt away that Shmellfludt like the Wicked Witch of the West, leaving your ass clean and fresh until the next unfortunate onslaught of Schmacklfledt.


Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man's Zombie

12 thoughts on “Keep a Happy Ass”

  1. Often I have felt that my Schlockflockdt wasn't "completely fresh". I tried everything but couldn't get the taint out of my taint. Finally I discovered Mookular Wipens. Now when I get that old icky feeling I just take off and Mook the site from orbit just to be sure.

  2. Why can't SchlactFunf play basketball?
    Because after every jump shot he screams, collapses to the ground groaning, and holding his feet.

    Kickball and soccer be right out.

    Don't even mention curling to him, his feet keep trying to shrivel up into his knees.

    Rugby was ruined the first time he jizzed the whole scrum while trying to shove in.

  3. This one came into Moderation Purgatory earlier while I was otherwise engaged. He's not released from his obligation to ANSWER THE GODDAMN QUESTION, but this simple bit of #SelfAwarenessFAIL is too epic, too ironic, too unintentionally hilarious and mockworthy to remain unexposed to the reaction it so richly deserves. -PK

    Not capable of an original thought, I see.

    1. You can't make that up. How stupid do you have to be not to realize that your entire being is ripping other people off? You almost feel sorry for him. You don't, but almost.


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