Chapter I

So a while back, I decided to scale back a bit here and try a longer project.  After the jump, the first draft of Chapter 1.

There’s more in the pipeline, but let’s not be greedy, hmm?

And remember.  We loves the feedback!  Tell me you hate it.  Or not.  Just tell me.

Chapter I

The second time Molly saw the man from the memorial service, standing in the bus shelter across the intersection from her, blue coat shining in the sun, she dismissed it as a coincidence and climbed on her bus.

The next time she saw him, as the bus passed by a café where he suddenly looked up from his menu to watch her bus roll past him, Molly became seriously uneasy.

It was the fourth time, as he stood at the corner waiting to board, that Molly began to feel truly scared. She knew there was no other explanation but that this man was somehow tracking her bus, and doing so on foot. She dreaded him climbing aboard. She thought of running, but to where? Once he got aboard there would be no escaping.

“Honey, are you okay?”

An elderly woman leaned across the aisle, a look of worry on her face.

Molly sat straight up, eyes forward, shoulders back, like a perfect little ingénue from a classic romance. Only her eyes gave her away. They were wide open with fear where they should have been dewy and inviting. She held her large purse tightly in her lap. The woman across the aisle could see her chin quivering now as well.

“Dear? Can you hear me?” She reached out and gently touched the girl’s arm.

Molly Kinnane recoiled violently, twisting away, shoving herself deep into the corner of the bus seat. She drew her legs up protectively and slid the purse between her leg and the dimpled steel wall of the vehicle. Her green eyes darted left, right and forward. She waited for the blue coat to appear on the steps of the bus.

The moment never came. Whoever this man was, he had not boarded the bus, which was now rolling away from the curb. After several seconds, Molly calmed down and relaxed slightly. The woman had drawn back to her side of the aisle but continued to regard Molly with a grandmother’s concern. Molly gathered herself and sat up straight. She looked at the woman in her brown jacket and gold scarf, wisps of silver hair peeking out. Her eyes have seen many things, Molly thought, but nothing like this.

Molly said, “I’m…I’m sorry. I just…I thought I saw something. Someone. On the street.”

The woman nodded. “Not a friendly face, I assume?”

Molly expected the question, but she was surprised to realize that she really didn’t know the answer.

“I don’t think so. It was just a shock.” She knew so little, but she knew enough of her mother to keep her lip buttoned. “I’d, uh, rather not talk about it. But thank you. For being so nice.”

“I have four grown children and ten grandchildren. I know what a scared child looks like,” said the woman.

Scared is only part of it, thought Molly. Don’t forget excited, miserable, confused and exhausted.

 

She saw the man in the blue coat three more times before the bus reached her stop, but each time from a safe distance, as if that made a difference. He seemed to be everywhere at once, so what did a safe distance really mean? Nothing.

The kindly grandmother had left the bus a couple of stops back, so Molly had no hesitation in taking a good long look around the area of the corner as the bus braked to a halt. She saw nothing out of place. Even so, the very moment the doors opened, she squeezed through like toothpaste from a tube and hit the ground sprinting. Six blocks’ distance between her and safety…as if she believed that any longer. She felt like Alice in Wonderland, plummeting down an endless rabbit hole, with no idea what waited at the bottom.

Curse you, Mother! What is going on?

She ran. It was something like a half a mile to her house, but right now it felt like she would never cover the ground. The sun was bright and the day clear. Molly took no notice – she kept her eyes straight ahead. If she could focus on the sidewalks ahead for just the few minutes it would take, everything would be all right. She swerved and dodged around pedestrians on the two block stretch of the main street.   At the corner, the neon lights in the windows of the Hug-A-Mug Coffee Shop glowed like purple fire. She slowed briefly then crossed Cedar against traffic. Turning left, she picked up her pace again, but her panic waned with her energy. She glanced back quickly and saw nothing. Halfway home.

She passed out of downtown into her neighborhood. This was familiar territory. She felt the shadowy protection of the tall plank fence that ran along the sidewalk here – Sarah’s house – and slowed to a quick jog. Beyond that fence, just two blocks away, her home stood waiting. The last safe haven left to her. If she could make it.

Molly fought the last pulses of panic as she turned the last corner toward home. She cast a look backward – nothing there. Safe at last…but… she kept up her pace anyway. Her empty house was just a few doors away.

She felt the heavy bag in her purse banging her hip with every step. What was an Invitation Key anyway? It couldn’t possibly be real. And the letter. So typical of her mother to leave her with some mysterious riddle and a useless knick-knack. Some legacy.

As she turned into the front walk, she slowed and took out her keys, threaded the right one into the lock and opened the door. Inside was safety, so she turned and looked around once more. Nothing blue in sight except the sky. It was brilliant and pure, with a sun shining so brightly it hurt. But as blue as it was, the sky was not her problem. The sky was not what her mother had warned her about. The sky was not what was chasing her home. She closed the door, turned the bolt and took what felt like her first breath since leaving the bus.

At the same moment, the man in the blue trench coat stepped from behind a large oak tree in the park across the street.

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Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man’s Zombie

16 thoughts on “Chapter I”

  1. More please.

    Hard to critique a lone chapter but one thing I noticed is Molly sits up straight a lot. 😉

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  2. PS - One more thought - perhaps a good idea to use the introduction to inform readers that this is not your usual fare; no punchlines, so to speak. That way, the readers are in a proper mindset from the start, kwim?

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  3. Intriguing and smoothly written. I agree with Jane about the caveat / disclaimer. Honestly it's not my style, too much tension and not enough graphic nudity, but it definitely reads well.

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  4. Like Jane, I noticed that Molly sits up straight a lot. Point two - I'm not sure you have set your reader to understand Molly's dread (or excitement). You could sharpen it up slightly by shifting to an internal observation - "What an odd color for a man's coat!" the first time she sees him, then, "That's the same coat? How is he getting ahead of the bus?" And so on.

    I like the older lady, though you might want to moderate Molly's reaction, unless what you're trying to have her do is dissociate herself from the grandmotherly woman in order to keep her safe?

    So, tighter focus on Molly's internal state, let us see her thoughts and reactions, rather than telling us what we're to observe, and a little stronger explanation of Molly's behavior to the older woman.

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  5. I'm interested! I second the reader above that you probable should preface it with a note about it being different from your usual oeuvre. I started reading it while expecting the usual Ace-of-Spades-esque slapstick satire I've come to enjoy on this site, and it threw me off a little while reading it.

    I'm still laughing about that one phrase you wrote; something about '...the window had closed on that offer, which was weird, because this room didn't even have a window!'

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  6. Overall, it kept me intrigued - I'm definitely curious to find out about the man in the blue coat, the key, and what her mother had warned her about...

    Editorial style comments:

    The first time I read it, there were two lines that caused me to pause.

    The first appears to be just an unanticipated phrasing when I first read it - I had expected a slightly different wording. "She drew her legs up protectively and slid the purse between her leg and the dimpled steel wall of the vehicle." I think it had to do with the plural use of legs followed shortly thereafter by the singular use of leg. Having read it more than once now, it reads fine - but, caused me to pause upon initial reading.

    The other: "Turning left, she picked up her pace again, but her panic waned with her energy." Did you really mean for her panic to lessen as her energy lessened? [Molly was already exhausted before she started running from the bus towards her house.] The surrounding context, as well as the "but", would seem to imply that her panic still remained at a somewhat heightened level. Perhaps phrasing again - I can anticipate her becoming more calm getting closer to home especially since she hadn't seen him, but the context implies that she really hasn't - at least not to the extent that her energy has been expended. Perhaps if her panic waned in the next paragraph as she entered more familiar, comfortable areas when she purposefully slows down it would make more sense. Either way, not sure the "but' would be appropriate.

    After reading through it again, another, more technical, item popped out. "...[T]here was no other explanation but that this man was somehow tracking her bus..." Tracking a bus - that runs a set route - would not be all that difficult. That he is somehow able to stay ahead of her while she is on the bus (and he on foot) is her unfathomable question she is having trouble explaining in her mind. He knows where she is going to be even before, perhaps, she does.

    I look forward to the next part pushed out of the timeline... /two thumbs up

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  7. It feels puffy and fat, too many words getting in each other's way.
    First paragraph is:
    "The second time Molly saw the man from the memorial service, standing in the bus shelter across the intersection from her, blue coat shining in the sun, she dismissed it as a coincidence and climbed on her bus."
    I think it might go better as:
    "Molly Kinnany saw the man from the memorial service again, in the bus shelter across the intersection, his blue coat shining in the sun. Dismissing it as coincidence, she boarded her bus."

    I think it resolves the, to me discordant intro of her full name later, pares down the unnecessary verbiage and still covers the same ground but tighter.
    What's up with the blue coat? what kind of coat "shines"? Makes me think rain coat. Buttons shine, some fabrics have a sheen, how about "his [light blue/robin's egg blue/...] coat bright in the shining sunlight" or "his coat azure in the bright midday sun"

    Where did Mother come into it? Did I miss the curve and this is a foreshadowment of future revelation pertaining to her mother?

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  8. I want to take a moment to thank everyone for the valuable comments!

    Everything has been stated constructively, which I appreciate. I do not intend to respond to any comments here or in future - for lack of a better word - literary posts. I will toss all this wonderful praise and critique into my internal hopper, shake, spin and stir it all up, and then revisit it all when it's time to do a second draft.

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