I am in desperate need to gain “Paul Krendler’s” favor. But as I am representing myself (I’m DOOMED) in Hoge’s lawsuit against me, I have no freaking idea how to do it except to try to blackmail some smartass that I’m quivering to dox anyway cuz he givez me sadz.
What we need to know from “Paul Krendler,” “Paul,” honey-sweetie-precious-babycakes-pumpkin-cupcake-doodlepie-my-little-footlong-with-mayonnaise, is this.
And we’re going to find out anyway (which is why I need it RIGHT NOW!):
1. His real name, address, spouse’s name, kid’s names, schools, transcripts, home phone number, cell phone, employer, office phone, supervisor’s name and phone, email addresses, Twitter handle, Facebook page, LinkedIn profile, passwords, driver’s license number, SSN, listing of memberships in social & community groups, political affiliation, voting records, blog name, medical and dental records, including but not limited to psychiatric and/or mental health-related diagnoses and hospitalizations, list of all current and past prescription medications, political activities, elected positions sought, election results, voting records, tax returns for the past 10 years, and all other financial records including mortgage documents, car loans, credit cards and FICO score, etc. Oh, and anything I might think up later. I WANT IT ALL, DOUG!
2. The original, signed copy of the agreement he made with Hoge selling partial rights to his blog post.
2a. A book of matches.
3. A promise to refrain from further parodies and hilarious comments.
4. A sincere and honest apology to John Hoge’s wife for the filthy things I wrote about her. God knows I’m incapable of forcing myself to write such a thing, or even faking it, even if I were of a mind to admit I’ve EVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG IN MY LIFE! It’s got to be done by a much better writer than me, and the best writer I know is “Paul Krendler.”
And that’s it! Could it be more simple? This is all going to come out anyway under the withering heat of my sooper pro se Legal Genie-US-ness. If I drag the information out from under Hoge to find out inside a courtroom that “Krendler” is actually Howard Earl or Robin Causey or Tom Bach or Lee Stranahan or Patrick Grady or Chris Heather or Kyle Kiernan or Ray Liota (*snort*) or Bettina Haper or Morgan Freeman or Mogen David or Morton Salt or Tony Stark or the Koch Brothers or Patty Gilly or Patty Cakes or Crystal Palace or Michelle Obama or David Axelrod or Martin Bashir or Rachel Maddow Dykes or Brett Kimberly or Matt Osborne or Vladimir Putin clinging to his thigh, then that courtroom and probably the rest of the floor and possibly even the entire courthouse will be put out of commission due to the epic onslaught of fear pee and bigs that must surely follow. The trial would have to be postponed for the demolition and rebuilding of the whole courthouse, probably. I’d be so embarrassed I’d be forced to return home in shame and confine myself to my bed. I’d spend my remaining days subsisting on various tubed meat products and Hellman’s, wasting away until the stress finally exacerbates my combination athlete’s foot/jock itch to the point I scratch myself to death.
Let me be clear (this still works for Dear Leader Obama, amirite?). If the judge dismisses Hoge’s ill-considered copyright infringement claim, which he will and MUST do, because I haz been on teh TWITTERZ11!!1ELEVENTY1!!1!
And unless Hoge has:
A. SOOPER PERSWASIVE LEGAL ORACLE POWERZ;
B. Has (“has Has?” Really? – PK, unforgivably breaking the fourth wall – sorry! Please carry on.) a signed agreement with “Krendler” in Krendler’s REAL NAME – just please God, don’t let it be Kyle Kiernan – transferring ALL rights, not just PARTIAL rights to his blog entry;
C. No practical experience whatsoever with copyright claims with the US Copyright Office from his years in the music publishing world, which anyway can’t possibly be greater than mine because I REED STUFF! AND I RITE GOOD!; and
D. Can demonstrate I did NOT have “Fair Use Doctrine” rights to use the material;
(Sorry – PK again. Point D just above is so thoroughly misunderstood by the Defendant/Counterclaimant as to be stupid and absurd beyond even my ability to parody. It stands alone, unchanged. Again, sorry for the interruption, carry on.)
Then the Clinton-appointed judge (now with Extra! Libruhl! Sympatheez! GUARANTEED!) will really have no choice but to dismiss his claim. But that doesn’t mean my counterclaim is dismissed. That still goes on.
Skip this next part:
If it has any merit, that is…
If “Krendler” shows a sign of intelligence and continues to ridicule and pwn me at every turn, which will prove to my satisfaction that he was just trying to impress Hoge with his writing skill
(Sorry, sorry, sorry! Me again. Actually, this is absolutely true! All I want to do is impress John Hoge with my writing skill! Ever since he purchased that copyright, every time I post a parody he likes, I just have to wait three days and BOOM! an envelope shows up in the mailbox! One of those really nice 5″ x 8″ jobs that’s lined with bubble wrap. And inside? You won’t believe it! A COOKIE! Homemade, too, not even store-bought or nuthin’! How cool is that?!? But I have gained 15 lbs the last month…)
and he had no intention of giving me or my wife teh sadz and promises to never do it again, with all the truth and sincerity of a Cabin Boy swearing off the internet, if he will produce a certified, notarized, folded, spindled, mutilated copy of the signed agreement he has with Hoge to give me past, present and future butthurt sadnezzez, or truthfully tells me there was no such agreement and all theez sadz are actually his doing, then I see no reason to pursue my counterclaim against “Krendler.” But because I have recently purchased a new dog (a combination Doberman-bOXER mix), he must identify himself, we must speak on the phone – but not in person, never that, and he must either provide a copy of the signed agreement or be willing to testify that there was no such agreement. But it would probably save time if I just went ahead and jumped in the Patapsco River myself without having to be told.
If I am forced to go the subpoena route, which I have already done, so WHAT DIFFERENCE, AT THIS POINT, DOES IT MAKE?
I will win (because I ALWAYS win, except when I lose, which I ALWAYS conveniently forget), but I will be annoyed (which for me is the same as “being awake,” although sometimes that doesn’t even cover it, with the dreams that Hoge forces me to have at night) at having to drag out information from an anonymous coward who never the less (three words) seems unafraid and even eager to defend himself. I wonder why? I don’t know. Whatever. And I will not be inclined to dismiss “Krendler” from the counterclaim. But then, he does seem SO VERY EAGER to join this battle? Why? I don’t know. Whatever.
These are not threats. These are statements of my position – bent over, ankles firmly grasped – regarding counterclaim defendant (and obvious fool for not taking MY legal advice) “Paul Krendler” in a current lawsuit, filed in the US District Court for the District of Maryland, Trailer Park Division, made on my own behalf as my own legal representative, pro se in pauperus dementum.
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