Thanks For Putting 'Axis of Weevils" on the NYT Bestseller List

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I only hope you purchased 10,000 copies to actually read about my repeated butthurt over the epic pwnage I have suffered at the hands of legitimate copyright owners. But, if like in the past, the book is being purchased by people who will go through it page by page looking for reasons to get it thrown off the bookshelves (what am I saying? Only REAL, PRINTED books sit on bookshelves! My puny little cyberfile never will. I can’t afford the expense of writing a real book, I’m ridiculously indigent, and I hope the judge notices) like they did with my previous books, a little something to keep in mind:

It costs me nothing to publish these books. A fine reflection of their actual worth, when you think about it.

This book costs you $00.10. Even if, as in the past, as in the present, as in the future, you find reasons to take the book off the shelves hard drive and induce another case of EPIC butthurt, I will just remove the one violation you note, save the manuscript under a new cover with all the other violations intact, and upload it again. For nothing.

In both a financial and existential sense.

Meanwhile, when you purchase the book for no other reason than to induce this man of the cloth to fill that cloth with fear pee, bigs and butthurt, and as a side benefit to boot it from the shelves hard drive, you’ve spent 10¢, put 4¢ in my pocket, and if it gets pulled from the shelf computer I’ll just have it back up there in a couple days.

And believe me, there are always more Depends.

And round and round we go until you complain about each and every violation, and the 767th version is just a 64 word pamphlet not worth the electrons it takes to store it. And the used Depends mount to the roof of the trailer like a snowdrift of Big Business. Because I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to play puhrtend awther and do the hard stuff it takes to actually write a good book – like, actually write something.

No one is accusing me of being intelligent. But if hundreds, perhaps thousands of legitimate copyright owners really want to give me pennies to NOT publish a book (oh, and don’t forget the desperate and incurable INTENTIONAL INFLICTION OF EPIC HEMORRHOIDAL BUTTHURT, which I secretly enjoy, and isn’t THAT pretty strange for guy who spends all his time on his ass to begin with) – why don’t we just cut out the middle man? Just give your money to my sekrit benefactor now and save yourself the effort of filing a thousand copyright claims. In fact, how about this: since I only make 4¢ a book, why not donate a nickel to the tip jar for every 5 days I stay offline? It’s what you really want anyway, and look, I finally found a way to monetize something everyone wants me to do anyway!

Doesn’t that make good sense?

Unless it really is all about the butthurt (mmmm…I do love the butt stuff!), in which case, rock on.

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Author: Paul Krendler

The Thinking Man’s Zombie

6 thoughts on “Thanks For Putting 'Axis of Weevils" on the NYT Bestseller List”

    1. You also get a free gift: http://deadrepublicanparty.files.wordpress.com/2014/05/butthurt-cream.png

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  1. just wanted to comment on a statement in the original source material this parody references...

    it may not cost him anything at the moment, but how much might it wind up costing him should any one of the many owners of copyright he has infringed decides to take him to court??

    O.o

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    1. There's a lot of truth in the notion that any work of art (though it's hard to call his efforts art) that costs nothing to make, is worth the same.

      That's why it's funny.

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