Here are some pro tips for getting something you want from someone that you only know in cyberspace.
1. Open the negotiation by greeting the other person: “Dear Stupid,”
2. Always show good faith by referring to the other person by enclosing their name in quotes (i.e., Hello, “Constant Reader.” May I call you “Constant?”)
3. Make claims as fact that can easily be refuted by your own words or actions.
4. Refer to your objective as a need rather than a want. Coming to the table and letting the other person know they have all the power is key to winning the negotiation.
5. Never let the other party know how the deal is a win-win; only make clear the negative consequences of not making a deal. Nothing is more attractive in a deal than telling the person who has a big piece of cake that you’re going to throw rocks at his dog until he shares the cake.
6. Always set deadlines! Letting the other person know that the axis of the world runs through the top of your head is a clear message that this is a negotiation between equals, an exchange of value for value.
7. When attempting to renegotiate a deal where you have previously failed to achieve your goal, always stake out the same position, giving away nothing, and offer no concessions. This is the artistry of compromise that always leads to a winning deal for both parties!
8. Finally, tweet stuff like this to show your pure heart and obvious good faith: