In The News

Sources are telling TMZNN (Thinking Man’s Zombie News Network) of an incident that occurred in a Home Station hardware store on West Holt Avenue in Milwaukee this morning.

An employee called the police after an elderly man on a red mobility scooter spent fifteen minutes chasing employees up and down the aisles.

“He was kinda crazy,” said cashier Sally Mendez.  “He said he was looking for caulk.  Jack Winston took him right to aisle 17.  But he just got mad and started yelling.

Winston, a floor manager with eight years experience at Home Station, concurred.  “He was very upset. He said it was the wrong caulk.  He kept screaming ‘I NEED BLACK CAULK!! NOW I CAN FINALLY GET THE BLACK CAULK I’VE ALWAYS WANTED, WHY CAN’T ANYBODY GIVE ME SOME BLACK CAULK?’ I told him we only had white caulk and some leftover hot pink caulk on the shelf, but he said that wouldn’t do.  I told him we could special order any color of caulk he wanted.  He said he needed all the black caulk he could get his hands on, and he needed it right now.”

When told the police were on their way, the man sped out the door and escaped.  Another employee, Jason Milling, was injured when he tried to hold the man for police.  The assailant pointed his cart at Milling and ran over the employee’s foot when Milling was unable to get out of the way of the speeding scooter.

“Man, that dude was weird.  He came my way and I could hear him saying ‘Go Scootypuff, go!’ He nearly fell off the thing when it hit my foot. He was laughing as he drove off, and screaming about black caulk, where’s the black caulk.  He didn’t care if I was okay.”  Milling was treated at the scene.

Police are looking for an extremely white man in his early sixties with long, unkempt hair, wearing blue capri pants, a red Hawaiian muu-muu, black horn-rimmed glasses and a porkpie hat.  He was last seen heading west toward St. Francis.

If you see this man, do not approach him.  He may be a danger to himself or others.  Especially if you like to wave around your black caulk.


Quote For Today

You think I am brave because I carry a gun; well, your fathers are much braver because they carry responsibility, for you, your brothers, your sisters, and your mothers. And this responsibility is like a big rock that weighs a ton. It bends and it twists them until finally it buries them under the ground. And there’s nobody says they have to do this. They do it because they love you, and because they want to.

— Charles Bronson, The Magnificent Seven




Marc Randazza Is 31 Flavors of Awesome

Today’s flavor is G’agh, a Klingon delicacy.

Via Instapundit linking to Popehat, Friend of Free Speech Marc Randazza has authored an amicus curiae brief in Paramount Pictures v. Axanar Productions et al.

Apparently Paramount wants legal control over a spoken language or something, and Randazza says “Not so fast, thar, Baba Looey!”

As they say, read the whole thing.


Good Morning, DUMBFUCK!

Hey, Don Quixote, I was just curious…do you have a progress report on your latest mission to get some poor woman fired for the naughty pictures you sent yourself?


Have you brought down that windmill yet?

Yesterday your pedobomber pal clearly surpassed you in filing a federal LOLSuit dripping with much more insanity than you usually bring to the party…on the other hand you clearly have some work to do to reach his level of unfairly getting someone terminated.

Is the pressure to perform grinding on ya, or are you just too busy making mud pies in your shorts?


Oh, How Thweet!


Thome limp-writhted, minthing weathel thinkth I’m thcaaaaared of him becauthe he’th afraid to tell people about hith truetht, betht thelf!

Becauthe NOBODY loveth homothexthualth like he loveth homothexthualth!

It’th okay, really, DUMBFUCK.  Like I’ve thaid before, tell the truth – no one with think any leth of you, becauthe really, no one could.


Good Morning, DUMBFUCK!

There’s that word again! As a descriptive term, which is the context a DUMBFUCK uses it, it has fallen seriously out of favor latently. Of course, on those very rare occasions when DUMBFUCK is happy, he probably refers to it as feeling “gay,” a use of that word which is also no longer in vogue. For instance, look at this guy:

IMG13I don’t think it’s beyond the bounds of propriety to say I think he’s looking especially gay in this photo. Perhaps he also feels pretty.

Oh, so pretty.

Pretty and witty and gay!

All at the same time.



If you can deflect blame when all about you
Are pointing out that you’re a freaking dope,
If you insist that your lawsuit is winning,
Even while you know you’ve lost all hope;
If you can stalk a man who’s lost a baby,
And whine at those who point out all your lies,
Or being laughed at, sit in a corner crying,
And look so stupid, thinking yourself wise:

If you can dream—of Cub Scouts by the campfire;
And peeing on them—with your wretched aim;
And if you pick up nine restraining orders
And stalk those damn Lickspittles just the same;
If you can bear to hear the lies you’ve spoken
Thrown in your face to show you for a fool,
Or watch your lawsuits heaved back at you, broken,
Because you never understood the rules:

If you’ve amassed no coin to call your winnings
A life of never being your own boss,
You were a failure back to your beginnings
You’ll die and no one notices the loss;
If you can force your heart and soul and conscience
To silence while your doxing plays go on,
And so to die – for there is nothing in you
To give them any reason to go on.

Harass a toddler while pretending virtue,
Faildox commenters, since you’ve lost your touch,
When critical comments fairly spoke can wound you,
And Johnnie Walker Red you drink too much;
We watch you fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of monkey dance,
Yours is the toilet and all that goes within it,
And—which is more—you’ve also filled your pants!