On this, the 239th birthday of the rapidly waning greatest nation on Earth, enjoy yourselves with parades, parties, picnics, family, John Philip Sousa and cold adult beverages.
But be sure not to blow your Zombie fingers off with an M-80 or Tovex or anything like that. Because the best, most tastiest BRAAAAAINS are down there at the bottom of the pan!
A little DUMBFUCKBIRD told me to expect something in the mail on Monday.
Personally, I think it means someone else. But I do have some questions:
Before it went into the envelope, was it rolled into a ball and well-sniffed? Is it properly packaged? Triple-sealed? Labeled with biohazard stickers?
Or should I just let the folks know to keep their LULZ muscles nice and loose?
And yes, it’s a real commercial for a real product.
Note to The Unessential Visitor: this is how it’s done. Take notes.
You want to know why I’m up here in the “towering heights,” and you’re not? It boils down to three very simple words:
Smarter. Than. You.
To answer your pathetic little question…
I want to stay up here in the towering heights and have FUN watching you dance.
Have I mentioned lately HOW MUCH I LOVE LIFE?
Because I do. There’s nothing like a 5 day monkeydance that bounces that special brand of Elkridge Cray off of law enforcement agencies in multiple states. I’m sorry some of you got splattered with the Cray; it takes weeks to fade, but once you get used to the brimstone smell it’s not so bad. That shade of green is actually inoffensive and easy to accessorize, if you’re of a mind to.
Since DUMBFUCK really wants to force me to place obituaries in the Baltimore Sun, the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel, the Madison State Journal and the Clinton Iowa Herald, I checked out the prices…whoo boy! Upwards of $500 to place them all. I might have to sell my Dwight Gooden rookie card to come up with that kind of scratch.
One favorite of mine (with added Eric Clapton):
And another by special request: