Let’s Just Say…

You should plan to lose your internet access, and none of your inflatable boyfriend’s sex toys will work either.

But not to worry!

If you shop wisely, you can multi-task with the right kind of candles.




Top Of the Line Product, DUMBFUCK!

Guess what I just pulled out of my ass?

Well…at first glance…maybe…

Give it a second look, and not so much…

What is it, ten years old? Fifteen?  Nothing close to “new” in any case. Looks like you picked it up at Goodwill for maybe $20.  Apparently, no reputable physician (or physician’s assistant) is going to prescribe a Lardwagon for someone so crippled by Parkinson’s disease. That’s…weird.

Those tiny little wheels.  A stiff ocean breeze is going to knock this Beetusbarrow right over, even with 290 lbs of ballast.

Speaking of wheels and ballast, is it just me or is the front wheel about an inch off the ground, ya fat fuck? I’ll bet you have to get your weight up over your knees to be able to steer the thing, to say nothing of relieving the burden on the back wheels to get any traction.

I’d love to see video of you taking it off the boardwalk and onto the beach. It will quit within six inches of the rear wheels hitting sand, and it will only get that far because of momentum.

The seat isn’t nearly wide enough for your greasy ass. We already know what are horrible driver you are – one little curb rub (you’re famous for that) and you’ll be on the sidewalk sure as hell.

Is your balloon Dianimal sturdy enough to tip it back upright? Can she get you up off the ground? Or do the lifeguards call the Beached Whale Patrol?

Better stock up on gauze and Bactine – I see a lot of road rash in your future.

On the plus side, you can easily fit four 750ml bottles of Johnnie Walker Red in that basket, so good for you!  Looks like you’ll need a pretty long straw to reach it, though.

I see you claim to enjoy an occasional top shelf scotch – I don’t think that’s something a poopsniffing pauperis pro-se prosecutor should be proudly proclaiming in his profile.  Probably (provably) premature.

But then…


I Can’t Quite Put My Finger On It…

But for some reason, this Twitchy post about a parody candidate’s parody memoir being more popular than the original just…resonates.

I’ll figure it out…